Da_Yog Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 (edited) A tiny seed takes hold— Delicate in its evil. A sweet voice whispers, "Oh baby, don't fight it." My eyes grow heavy, My bones grow weary, My mind succumbs to a trecherous— ᅟ ᅟ sleep. In the mists of night Black roots dig deep. The honeyed voice triumphs, "Oh sweetie, you can't win!" My limbs become lead, My breathing labored, My mind swims in dark foreboding— ᅟ ᅟ depression. Constrained in vile chains Of self loathing and hate: The sirene-imp coos, "Your life is mine evermore." My mind slips away, My body decays, And all that once was is now— ᅟ ᅟ dead. Edited January 18, 2008 by Da_Yog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regel Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 You read my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Da_Yog Posted January 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2008 I have mixed feelings about that response. As a poet I'm glad I wrote something that another person can connect with. As a person I'm sorry that you connected with it on such an intimate level. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted January 20, 2008 Report Share Posted January 20, 2008 Characterization of the voice in quotes doesn't seem consistent. "Oh baby, don't fight it." "Oh sweetie, you can't win!" vs. "Your life is mine evermore." vs. your framing lines around each quote. You can have your character be "off" what your frame dialect / language wise, but I believe you need to stay "off" then if you're going to do that. Otherwise, you'll need to detail more of why the speaker's speech is inconsistent, such a progressive corruption of his/her soul or something else taking control etc. just some thoughts, rev... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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