reverie Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 (edited) Figured this one is so close to complete, why bother with the workshop. Thought I'd follow up Silver Wind's lead and see what I could manage out of a Cinquin. Or rather a Cinq-Cinquain. Yeah I know the ending sucks. 8/28/2007 Dance Lessons in August The heat serves us well. We would be dancers prone too often to leave our partners damp. Be cool Young friend And spin her round her halo tip, as you twirl in step if only for a moment. Change up your style: Sashay that hip, spot turn—No, yes Now—Fling out that wrist. Can you feel it, how? But turn it down. It’s too much that beat. Try it quick- quick slow — box out that one two three. Lead on Boy, there’s plenty of girls out taken turns. Why care? Just ask. A dance is just a dance Just ask. Edited August 28, 2007 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silver WInd Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 I like this, I never thought of making a sequence of cinquain stanzas before Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted August 28, 2007 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 (edited) thanks, yeah I found an example of it online so went for it. Wanted to tie my hands sort of speak with this one. Insert some intentional awkwardness to mirror someone learning dance steps. Is experiment. Edited August 28, 2007 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silver WInd Posted August 29, 2007 Report Share Posted August 29, 2007 That is a very clever idea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted September 20, 2007 Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 I really like the way that this poem's structure relays the feeling of a dance, reverie. :-) I find the manner that you incorporate punctuation and line breaks in the third and fourth stanzas particularly effective, as it conveys a change of tempo that feels like a dance flowing in tighter, faster movements. Very nice use of a traditional poetic form. I agree with you that the ending is the weakest point of the poem, but I wouldn't go so far to say that it sucks... dropping the repetition of "Just ask" might be a step towards improving it, since that element didn't seem to add anything in my opinion. Anyway, well done reverie. :-) Thanks for sharing this, I hope you got a good grade on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted September 20, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 no grades for individual poems wyv... grade is by effort put forth over entire course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted December 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 9, 2007 (edited) Took it out of it's form and played around a little. 12/8/2007 Dance Lessons in August The heat serves us well, I think. I, a dancer more in my dreams then ever on the floor, so often prone to leave her damp with cold and sudden ick. Be cool, young friend her smiling eyes say, remember I too am learning, but won’t you spin me round my halo tip, our hands raised angled and delicate as we twirl in step if only for a moment. I change up my style to fit the song that’s next searching for the step that best: a sashay of hip? or a spot turn now—no, yes Now—Fuck, I should have flung that wrist. I will get it right on this beats turn, when it’s quick- quick slow, quick- quick slow, quick- quick slow, quick- quick slow, Yeah, I should probably turn her, now. Edited December 9, 2007 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elvina Posted December 9, 2007 Report Share Posted December 9, 2007 I think the first version is much better, Reverie. The second doesn't quite (to me) convey that same sense of the dance itself that Wyvern mentioned far better than I could. The second version has more words, and I felt that took away from the quick-dance-step feeling that made the first one so good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted April 2, 2008 Author Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 (edited) Took Elvina's advice and recast it in the original form. Seem's I inadvertently repeated the 3rd six-syllable line in my 3rd stanza. Hmm, actually, I think that kind of gives it a nice symmectrical feel. 4/2/2008 Dance Lessons in August The heat serves us well—we dancers reluctant and pressed, leaving angels’ palms damp with nervous sweat. Look up young friend, her eyes so clear, as you spin her ‘round her halo’s tip or pour her low across your hip, holding close a cradled arch till you embrace her back up- right again. Can you feel her smile when you change up your style: Sashay that hip, spot turn—no, yes Now—fling out that wrist? Or turn it down. It’s too much that beat. Move her quick, quick, slow; let the pulse lead through your feet—stand, don’t fold and retreat. Edited April 2, 2008 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Idehi Posted May 24, 2008 Report Share Posted May 24, 2008 Hey reverie, i think the last version is the best of all three. it gave me desire to dance too Good job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted May 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2008 Hey reverie, i think the last version is the best of all three. it gave me desire to dance too Good job. Thanks, dancing should be in everyone's life. cheers, revery the dreamlost "still on sabbatical" the dream continues... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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