ryurei Posted March 21, 2007 Report Share Posted March 21, 2007 *We have no form, therefore we fear it. And because we are formless, we revere it.* Our form we lost, when pride did overwhelm. Our pride we lost, when rights we did turn away. With disorganized form, we wandered on. With dissident voice, we cried aloud. And with mindless roaming, we do attract the hunter. *Thus we are slain*, and vanish from this plain. Only to continue in the next; Fearing it, revering it, Losing form, pride lost, Wandering on, crying aloud Attracting the hunter, being slain, The cycle continues beyond time’s end, Because in truth: we are only humans. OOC: the parts in asterisks were borrowed without permission from the Bleach anime series. They were in the begining and I felt the parts to be woefully inadequate. So I put it here in diferant context and extended it. Please leave some comments on how to improve this, and I hope you all enjoy it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanuchan Posted March 22, 2007 Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 (edited) I like this poem... except for the first four verses... I understand that the first two verses are where the inspiration came from, but in spite of it I feel that they don't really belong in the way your poem flows. They might be better if kept separated and referred to as the source of inspiration... or quoted as a header, but not part of the poem per se. Or you might want to keep the idea, not the words - paraphrase them and use that in the poem. The 3rd and 4th verses sound rather broken. I understood the idea and the feeling, but I think that the use of inversion messed up the grammar too much. At least for me, it detracts from the feeling - it distracts the reader, actually - instead of adding a focus. The rest of the poem flows very, very well, and I really like it . I would just separate the first two verses (the lines from Bleach) as a quote, and eliminate the 3rd and 4th verses. Something like.. . The formless ones "We have no form, therefore we fear it. And because we are formless, we revere it." (from Bleach) With disorganized form, we wandered on. With dissident voice, we cried aloud. And with mindless roaming, we do attract the hunter. *Thus we are slain*, and vanish from this plain. Only to continue in the next; Fearing it, revering it, Losing form, pride lost, Wandering on, crying aloud Attracting the hunter, being slain, The cycle continues beyond time’s end, Because in truth: we are only humans. But then, that might be just me. Thanks for sharing, Mae - hope to see more of your poems around! Edited March 22, 2007 by Tanuchan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryurei Posted March 23, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2007 *We have no form, therefore we fear it. And because we are formless, we revere it.* From bleach We lost accord, when feelings we deny. Emotions we lose, when others prevail. In unseen prisons, life did dim. In useless struggles, we do thrash. Only to continue in the next; Fearing it, revering it, Losing form, pride lost, Feelings denied, others prevailing, Life dimming, we thrash The cycle continues beyond time’s end, Because in truth: we are only humans. When again it turns, raising us over them Flourishing above them, we relax our guards Deeming final triumph, we fail to learn Again they rise up, and we fall to them, Only to continue in the next; Fearing it, revering it, Losing form, pride lost, Us rising, relaxing guards Failing lessons, we fall The cycle continues beyond time’s end, Because in truth: we are only humans. When at last our lessons, we believe are learned No difference between, all together as one Unified with nature, we fail to see Looking to heaven, the truth still hidden Only to continue in the next; Fearing it, revering it, Losing form, pride lost, Believed learning, together as, Seeing failed hidden truths. The cycle continues beyond time’s end, Because in truth: we are only humans. With disorganized form, we wandered on. With dissident voice, we cried aloud. And with mindless roaming, we do attract the hunter. Thus we are slain, and vanish from this plain. Only to continue in the next; Fearing it, revering it, Losing form, pride lost, Wandering on, crying aloud Attracting the hunter, being slain, The cycle continues beyond time’s end, Because in truth: we are only humans. OOC: After lots of thought and 20 mochas later i have made some changes that Tanuchan suggested. I again changed the context(…sorta) and added some more verses. Please leave some comments on how this version looks and any other thoughts you may have on it. Again I hope you all enjoy it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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