LilacFlame Posted March 18, 2007 Report Share Posted March 18, 2007 What have I? They just won't stop sliding away no matter how hard I attempt to hold them, Those memory fragments that make up my reality, keep blowing away like leaves in a storm. Last year it began with small things I lost, my keys or that gold ring someone gave me. Now it is the precious faces of those I love, and the names that belong to the faces. My memories were wholy mine, mine alone. They once dignified me as the person inside. Now that they are gone am I still me? Who is this person they all seem to know? I wish I had never gotten old, for without a past each day is new. Yet I cannot greet the dawn with a song and I am too frail to dance. What have I now? The faces come to greet me, so sweetly, and one of them makes me smile, the man with curly dark and silver hair. I know that voice, that million dollar smile, and he says he loves me. Emotion swells from deep inside of my heart, reaching out with hunger to this man of deep blue eyes. With huge effort I push it out of me:"I LOVE YOU TOO" and I know at last that what I stilll have is eternal: Love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LilacFlame Posted March 18, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2007 I am wondering if I should take out the 4th stanza..the one that is about being old? Thanks for any comments or advice. Sincerely, LilacFlame Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted March 19, 2007 Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 (edited) I'd say you pulled it off. Well done. Rhyme's great, but it can be shackle too. I still like internal rhyme though. Note: am assuming the First line is Title and numbering stanzas thereafter. The second stanza is brilliant. the first line of Fourth stanza is fine--dealing with age implicitly is appropriate scheme of the poem, I think. However 2nd and third lines of that stanza are pushing towards the cliche, but other than that it's fine. What have I? They just won't stop sliding away no matter how hard I attempt to hold them, Those memory fragments that make up my reality, keep blowing away like leaves in a storm. Last year it began with small things I lost, my keys or that gold ring someone gave me. Now it is the precious faces of those I love, and the names that belong to the faces. My memories were wholy(sp) mine, mine alone. They once dignified me as the person inside. Now that they are gone am I still me? Who is this person they all seem to know? I wish I had never gotten old, for without a past each day is new. Yet I cannot greet the dawn with a song and I am too frail to dance. What have I now? The faces come to greet me, so sweetly, and one of them makes me smile, the man with curly dark and silver hair. I know that voice, that million dollar smile, and (try "how" or "then") he says he loves me. Emotion swells from deep inside of my heart, reaching out with hunger to this man of deep blue eyes. With huge effort I push it out of me:"I LOVE YOU TOO" (Try lose CAPS and replace with exclamation point) and I know at last that what I stilll(sp, but I'd nix it anyway) have is eternal: Love Edited March 19, 2007 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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