The Sky at Night

[Merelas]

My first creative post in a long while. Please excuse the format. This is the very first draft. Comment and critique, please?~

 

The Sky at Night

O the massive blowing of the wind outside—it’s snowing—

and the night as it glistens with whiteness in my sight.

Flakes falling falling falling and the windsong is calling

While the clouds obscure the sky—I cannot see though I try

To see the stars overhead in a symphony of light.

The moon slowly circling in its white, white pale

Circling the snow that is falling in this gale…

A gale of the snow that swirls as it twirls down below.

Below the sky that’s covered by the clouds from the cupboard

Of God or mother nature cloaking all the earth in white.

The whiteness that is freezing from the clouds that are teasing

Covering the sky that I cannot see, though I try tonight.

 

Because the sky to me is calling as the stars seem to be falling

In a parody of snowflakes chaotically crawling on the ground.

The wind will pull and push them—make them sway all around.

And the sky from me is hidden as this ray of white surrounds—

All I want, all I wish, all I desire from this night

Is a glimpse of the sky in a symphony of light.

 

Because the light never fails and the snow rarely falls

But tonight it assails my vision of the falls—

The falls and the throne and the swan and the crone

Arranged in their glory; always have they shone

From above in a gloriously sumptuous sight

But tonight, oh tonight—the snow and clouds prevail

And my eyesight must fail in attempting to perceive

Of the glorious reprieve granted to me nightly each and every eve.

 

Because the sky at night in its symphony of light

Makes me think that each symphony has guide:

A conductor that will lead it through the audience’s pride.

My faith is restored by the sky at night.

 

During the day, I have nothing. No faith by which to walk. My path is unlit. My way is dark. I cannot think of a conductor, wordlessly guiding the Universe—from the cosmos of constellations enthroned in majesty looking down upon us to my very step.

 

But O the sky at night! How it restores my faith on sight.

And yet the clouds of snow cover it tonight.

[The Death of Rats]

*give sit a four golden geese, and a shredded raisin- out of five* *

 

 

 

 

 

*Solid, consistent wintry imagery; part like best is the literally lyrical setup; this practically begs for music.

Also, word choice, stanzas, everythign lends mightily (on the Mighty Pen! Comedy!) to me hearing a minstrel singign this one in a quiet, relxed inn or dingin hall maybe, as the fire has just begun to die, so has only slipped down a few inches, and the singer sings and even strums his lute contemplatively as well as wistfully- maybe a trace of melancholy?

 

Indecipherable message (if ther'es one) but lovely referencing of *something* decuded important in the night, in the warmer months, to the speaker/singer.

Edited March 13, 2007 by The Death of Rats

[Wyvern]

I think this is a really nice poem, Merelas. :-) It definitely has a very romantic feel to it, as well as a connection to the beauty of nature that's similar to some of Tanuchan's poetry. The long lines and uses of repetition made this stand out as unique to me, as did the very particular romantic tone. I really feel like the poem is unified under one voice and perspective, which is an admirable feat since maintaining a unique voice throughout a poem can be a very difficult thing to do. The intertwining of faith and constellations in the poem is also intriguing to me, and I like the image of the snow obscuring the stars.

 

A few minor suggestions for possible means of improving this piece... While I think your phrasing is nice for the most part, I wasn't as big a fan of some of the uses of adverbs in this piece. For example, I don't think that "nightly" adds anything to the final line of the third stanza, as you're already stating "each and every eve." The use of "chaotically" in the second stanza also sounds a bit awkward to me, and you might consider rephrasing it in a way that eliminates the adverb while maintaining the description. Another thing that feels a bit awkward to me is the incorporation of "O" throughout the poem... if it's a medieval feel that your aiming for then I suppose it works well, but it feels kind of distant from the personal element that runs through the rest of the piece. Also, while I love how you end the poem with the disappointment of the clouds covering the constellations, the phrasing of the last line made it feel a bit like an afterthought to me rather than a realization, and you might consider rephrasing it.

 

Anyway, very nice stuff Merelas. :-) Thanks for sharing it.

[LilacFlame]

Greetings! I think this is beautiful, evocative and movingly romantic. I love the free verse feel of it while you stick to the winter night sky theme.

 

The only thing I might fix (if it were me) is this:

 

And my eyesight must fail in attempting to perceive

Of the glorious reprieve granted to me nightly each and every eve.

 

The word "percieve" doesn't really go with "of". They just don't flow with each other well, to me.

 

But that is only one little thing, and my perception.

 

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful gift with us, your poem.

 

Sincerely,

LilacFlame

[Merelas]

Here's the second draft:

 

 

The Sky at Night

Hear the massive blowing of the wind outside—it’s snowing—

and the night as it glistens with whiteness in my sight.

Flakes falling falling falling and the windsong is calling

While the clouds obscure the sky—I cannot see though I try

To see the stars overhead in a symphony of light.

The moon slowly circling in its white, white pale

Circling the snow that is falling in this gale…

A gale of the snow that swirls as it twirls down below.

Below the sky that’s covered by the clouds from the cupboard

Of God or mother nature cloaking all the earth in white.

The whiteness that is freezing from the clouds that are teasing

Covering the sky that I cannot see, though I try tonight.

 

Because the sky to me is calling as the stars seem to be falling

In a parody of snowflakes crawling on the ground.

The wind will pull and push them—make them sway all around.

And the sky from me is hidden as this ray of white surrounds—

All I want, all I wish, all I desire from this night

Is a glimpse of the sky in a symphony of light.

 

Because the light never fails and the snow rarely falls

But tonight it assails my vision of the falls—

The falls and the throne and the swan and the crone

Arranged in their glory; always have they shone

From above in a gloriously sumptuous sight

But tonight, oh tonight—the snow and clouds prevail

And my eyesight must fail in attempting to perceive

The glorious reprieve granted to me each and every eve.

 

Because the sky at night in its symphony of light

Makes me think that each symphony has guide:

A conductor that will lead it through the audience’s pride.

My faith is restored by the sky at night.

 

During the day, I have nothing. No faith by which to walk. My path is unlit. My way is dark. I cannot think of a conductor, wordlessly guiding the Universe—from the cosmos of constellations enthroned in majesty looking down upon us to my very step.

 

But the sky at night! How it restores my faith on sight.

And yet the clouds of snow cover it tonight.