Mardrax Posted January 16, 2007 Report Share Posted January 16, 2007 know eachother as little as we know eachother fear eachother show eachother hear eachother won't ever revere eachother throw eachother endear eachother slow eachother near eachother there will never be another quite like us for me ___________ Says enough, I'd think. How long shower-springings can linger 0_o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted January 16, 2007 Report Share Posted January 16, 2007 Interesting poem, Mardrax. :-) I like the manner you arrange the lines of the poem in terms of breaks and listings, and the choice to make "eachother" a single word has an interesting visual effect. The title of the poem also encapsulates it well, though the "for me" line that ends the piece seems to suggest that the poem could be more self-centered than its title suggests. One line that I can't quite gage a meaning or impression from is "throw eachother" in the central listing of the poem. The other lines of the poem all make sense or give off positive or negative impressions, but I'm not sure what connotation "throw" is meant to have there. You might consider giving the word choice of that line a more negative or positive feel. Nice stuff, Mardrax. :-) Always good to see more of your work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mardrax Posted January 16, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2007 How you manage to hit the notes I agree upon The throw, I have no idea how it got there. Looking at it, I would say I was out of rhyming options. Might be, though it wasn't a conscious decision then, as this thing hit me entirely in the shower yesetday morning. My best bet is it's probably a derivative of "throw away", but I don't like it much myself. Will see if something more interesting hits me. The "quite like us/for me" is the only thing added on a more conscious note, as an afterthought. A final thought too. Something like a "having your head up in the clouds isn't too bad, as long you keep your feet on the ground". 'Sides that, I won't be as bold as to speak for others here. Thanks It's equally good to get your comments. (and that does mean the lot of you ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mardrax Posted January 18, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2007 alright then, revision: know eachother as little as we know eachother fear eachother show eachother hear eachother won't ever revere eachother slow eachother endear eachother know eachother near eachother there will never be another quite like us for me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted January 21, 2007 Report Share Posted January 21, 2007 (edited) I know you like to keep things exactly as you envision them, but you can play around a little with this. try experimenting with the punctuation, but maybe not too much. neat, rev... Edited January 21, 2007 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mardrax Posted January 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2007 Thanks And don't ever let my outward rigidness hold you back. Though I might very rarely actually agree with your ideas, they always succeed at setting my mind working on the right tracks. I haven't specifically asked you to take a look at my stuff several times because I don't like your comments Punctuation wouldn't work very well in this case I think, as they aren't actually necessary to get either the message or the image across, and adding it would just add more than is needed, which I stayed far from with this one. Minimalism ftw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted January 22, 2007 Report Share Posted January 22, 2007 no problem. Glad to know my comments do some good after all. So the impression I get is that it meant to be read chat like with possibly very small pauses between lines. Minimalism's cool enough. Combining "each" and "other" makes for a kind of hypnotic effect. Unorthodoxed, but it works. rev... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted February 18, 2007 Report Share Posted February 18, 2007 This is a really neat little piece. I stumbled at first upon the "eachother" thing, but the more times I read it, the more I like it. Something bothers me about the start of it though. know eachother as little as we know eachother fear eachother . . . It doesn't make a lot of sense to begin with. Maybe if you put the space in the very first time, before it speeds up? But no, I think what's getting to me is really the third line. Did you consider beginning it (the 3rd line) as "we know eachother"? And/or adding another line or two at the start to set it up? PS Rev, I rather suspect that a lot of people appreciate your comments. At the very least, your efforts at substantial feedback have not gone unnoticed by me. It makes me happy to see that people like you and Wyvern are able to give people good, in-depth comments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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