Regel Posted November 4, 2006 Report Share Posted November 4, 2006 (edited) Those familiar stings as eyes blink This odd game where we think How do we escape from this bad place? With reality staring us in the face A steady march to some unknown fate Cramps and discomfort a constant state Body failing, at war with itself Spirits waning, despair on a shelf This disease rages with each battle won A new conflict is brewing on the horizon Bags were packed for a holiday It snarled and said "not today" She suffers with quiet grace Sees only love on her husbands face She carries on smiles and waits With courage love hope and faith. Edited November 13, 2006 by Regel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted November 5, 2006 Report Share Posted November 5, 2006 Nice poem, Regel. :-) The subject matter and emotional base of the poem are strong, and I like the elegent manner that you portray the woman in the last stanza. The first two lines of the poem also really grabbed my attention, and made for a very strong opening. I thought there were points where the rhyme scheme resulted in a few words and images that felt out of place, particularly "despair on a shelf"... though if the shelf refers to a shelf of medication, it might be interesting there. I also felt that there were one too many adjectives in the last line of the poem, and you might consider dropping one of them or moving one of them to a seperate line. Very nice, overall. Thank you for sharing this here. I hope that you're doing well, even with the sad insinuations of this piece. :-( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerulean Posted November 10, 2006 Report Share Posted November 10, 2006 Hi Regel, I echo Wyvern on the last line of the poem being over-burdened. I think three characteristics would fit better. I have to disagree with the scaly scoundrel over the line 'despair on a shelf' though, that stood out for me as a strong image. I hope circumstances are improving for you, my best wishes, Cerulean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted November 11, 2006 Report Share Posted November 11, 2006 *hugs* i know you write straight from the heart. Very strong emotion here well done. a good tribute for a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regel Posted November 13, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2006 I do listen to the comments and while I agree with both Wyvern and Cerulean that the last line is to say the least awkward, I can not remove any of the four. Perhaps the better phrase would be I will not. I have come up with an edit that I hope works better. Thank you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted November 15, 2006 Report Share Posted November 15, 2006 http://www.tobylitt.com/killyourdarlings.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mardrax Posted November 16, 2006 Report Share Posted November 16, 2006 Sure rev, that advice has a point. At times. Sometimes though, some people write to convey something particular. Sometimes you can't just take out that thing which is in awkward place, because that awkward place is the one right place for it, awkward though it may be. And that particular thing might not mean much to the reader, but in general, I write for me, not for "you". If it's critical to me, I leave it. I'll perhaps try to find a way to fix the awkwardness, but if I can't, it's staying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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