Time - Feedback for Mynx

[Cyril Darkcloud]

The original piece can be found here.

 

 

Mynx, this is a fun read with a couple nice touches spliced into its overall structure. As it stands, however, there are a few places where it could do with a bit of work.

 

One of the very fine aspects of the piece is a subtle shifting in imagery that takes place across its three stanzas. The first gives the reader an implied image of a hand whose grasp is futile. The second stanza has the implicit image of a thief – i.e., one who snatches what is ours out of our hands. The third stanza presents two images of hands, the first being those of time and the second being the narrator’s hands that desire to hold the one whom time moves away. The poem will be a much more effective piece of writing if these images can be strengthened.

 

Another intriguing aspect of the piece is that stanzas two and three both begin with an explicit description of time in relation to life. The piece concludes with the literal combination of time and life in reversed order in the word “lifetime.” In the first stanza this relation of time to life is implicit. Making this explicit (so long as it is not forced) might provide a further unifying dimension to the poem which can run in tandem with the shifting image of hands.

 

I’d also be remiss if I did not comment on the tone of the piece. The passing of time and the separations it causes is a subject which a number of poets have treated. You manage quite well in this piece to avoid both trite sentimentality and to make a few very fine points in a wonderfully understated manner. The third stanza, in particular, has a well-conceived movement from clever the use of the old saw about death and taxes to the striking last line whose simple phrasing is very effective. This is a deceptive piece in a good way in that it’s gentle and informal tone require the reader to take a closer look to fully appreciate its nuances.

 

Having material like this to work with is a great place to be. Now let’s take a look at a few places where things might benefit from a bit of revision.

 

Stanza 1 – The metaphor here is problematic both on logical grounds– why would one cling to an enemy? - as well as poetic grounds – it has no obvious connection to the fleeting passage of something desired through one’s grasp. In a brief piece composed of short stanzas the need to focus one’s images is a very important thing to keep in mind. This stanza also suffers from a bit of grammatical difficulty – “Over which” would be better than “Of which” here. The description of minutes as flowing in this stanza would seem to invite a fluid metaphor for time.

 

Stanza 2 – Two difficulties stand out here, the first being a minor problem with the rhythm of the piece in line two. The second is another example of inconsistent imagery – why would a beast steal anything?

 

Stanza 3 – This is far and away the best stanza of the piece and there are a couple aspects of the imagery here that really do require a closer look simply because they have so much potential. Here the use of the explicit image of “hands” for time invites the possible explicit companion image of the narrator’s hands holding that one whom time steals away. The expression “the hands” – I’m assuming this is a shortened form of the common expression “the hands of time”, although it also echoes the idea of the hands of a clock – is a bit confusing (what hands are these? whose hands are these?) “Its hands” would perhaps be a better choice in that it draws a tighter connection between the hands and time.

 

Below are a some possible modifications you might want to play with regarding this piece as jumping off points for a more focused reworking. My suggestions here are relatively minor as I do not want to interfere with your own creative process in working with this poem.

 

Time, that draining away of life

Over which there’s no control

The tighter that I cling to it

The faster minutes flow

 

Time, that evil thief of life

That steals you away from me

That prevents my dreams from coming true,

My heart from being free

 

Time, that constant fact of life

Right next to tax and death

Would but a prayer restrain its hands

That mine might hold you

for a lifetime

and a breath

 

You have the elements of a solid piece of writing here, Mynx. This is a poem that’s well worth a bit of your time and thought at some point down the road with an eye to revising it.

 

Thanks for an enjoyable read.

 

Keep writing!

Edited June 19, 2006 by Cyril Darkcloud

[reverie]

*watches and learns*