Jareena Faye Posted April 18, 2006 Report Share Posted April 18, 2006 (edited) A moth to flame and I to sin. When did this sick game begin, Chasing And racing To see who would die first? A lawless life no man can save, And in our blood we blithely bathe, Singing And flinging Our souls into the fire Like moths to flame, Yes, moths to flame, This our solemn requiem choir. A kamikaze to the ground And I to death with screaming sound, Crying And flying A blazing spiral plight. Can't comprehend how victory Is putting off the best of me, Giving And living By joining God in death Like moths to flame, Yes, moths to flame, This our song in final breath. A caterpillar to the grave And I to Christ's tomb to be saved, Shrinking And sinking To baptism by fire. A butterfly is soon to live, A new life being just to give, Rasping And clasping To fade into Christ's light Like moths to flame, Yes, moths to flame, Giving up the hopeless fight. Edited April 18, 2006 by Jareena Faye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 (edited) I absolutely love this poem. The words tumble down and pulled me down through the stanzas, leading me and guiding me. I can read many things in it, and it really gives me that itchy feeling inside of wanting to read it again and again. Sorry I'm not more cohesive. I found it hard to give any feedback, but didn't want to leave this one without saying something. Thank you immensly for posting this, I really enjoy reading it, even though I can't seem to express my feelings about it too clearly Edited June 7, 2006 by Sweetcherrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 Nice poem, Jareena. :-) I thought that the parallel rhythm and structure of the stanzas worked well, and that the religious overtones were well-incorporated. The comparison of society to moths getting caught in flame, though fairly common as a metaphor, was given a fresh twist to me with the notion of being reborn as a butterfly. I also loved the use of the word "kamikaze" in the second stanza, and liked the hopeless note that you ended it on. One line you might consider revising for rhythm is the final line of the first stanza, which reads with 8 syllables while the other two stanzas end in 7. I initially didn't like the repetition of "moths to flame" in the two lines preceding the last line of each stanza, perhaps because of the use of "Yes" in those lines, which felt more informal to me than the rest of the piece... but the repetition does add a certain lingering rhythm to the rhyme scheme in the last lines. Well done, once again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jareena Faye Posted April 21, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 Yay! Very thank you, friends, for the praise (and for your crits, Wyv! I just knew there'd be at least one awkward rhythm in there). One note is that the last line wasn't actually meant to be hopeless... When I give up the hopeless fight, I'm letting God fight for me. God bless, and happy post-Easter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynx Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 Hey stranger. Good to see you around. I really really like this poem. As Sweet said above the tumbling rhythm pulled me into it and it reminded me of a couple of songs I know. Very nicely written. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted April 22, 2006 Report Share Posted April 22, 2006 Mind if I try putting an image to this poem? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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