Curious Mylo Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 Silent Screams Staring out the window Grass bows to the south Filtered light among the clouds And no sound leaves my mouth I try to speak, to answer you But nothing came out right So now it won't come out at all The words all hide in fright Just wait for me to be okay I'm nothing but their sin Everything from my mouth Disintegrates to wind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 *gentle hugs* nicely woven details, hon. much smoother than a lot of things have worked for you, lately! The main suggestion, at the moment, is to check the punctuation. The only punctuation you have is one comma and the ending full stop, and i'm pretty sure that's not all one sentence. Your best punctuation check - take out all the line breaks and do it like a normal sentence, then go back and put the breaks in where you want them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curious Mylo Posted March 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 (edited) *gentle hugs* nicely woven details, hon. much smoother than a lot of things have worked for you, lately! The main suggestion, at the moment, is to check the punctuation. The only punctuation you have is one comma and the ending full stop, and i'm pretty sure that's not all one sentence. Your best punctuation check - take out all the line breaks and do it like a normal sentence, then go back and put the breaks in where you want them. Staring out the window. Grass bows to the south. Filtered light among the clouds, And no sound leaves my mouth. I try to speak, to answer you, But nothing came out right. So now it won't come out at all, The words all hide in fright. Just wait for me to be okay. I'm nothing but their sin. Everything from my mouth Disintegrates to wind. I've never been good with that stuff. SO! I decided FORGET IT ALL! If there's no punctuation at all, then I can't mess it up! But yeah... there are a lot of periods there. A lot of tweaky choppy sentences. But it doesnt look as naked!! Edited March 9, 2006 by Broken_Inside Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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