Wyvern Posted March 1, 2006 Report Share Posted March 1, 2006 I like this story so far, Sweetcherrie. :-) The tone of the narrator has a very interesting, jaded feel to it that really adds to the mood of the piece. The scenario of the narrator is also very interesting, as the concept of visiting random funerals just to feel alive is definitely intriguing. I also think that you do a good job of getting into the narrator's head and giving the reader his impressions of dead bodies. I'm not quite sure what it is that triggers the narrator's revelation that standing over the corpse is preposterous, and you may want to specify that more as it seems like a huge change from the fourty-three other funerals that Jeffrey attended. Perhaps there's some sight or sound that makes it dawn upon him, or maybe somehow this specific funeral makes him recall some preposterous memory? Something more is needed there, as the thoughts that Jeffrey has over the course of this funeral seem like the same kind of thoughts he would have at other funerals. Also, I'm very interested in learning more about why Jeffrey doesn't feel alive, and would definitely like to see him interact with some other character at some point to get a better impression of his mannerisms. Interesting start. I'm looking forward to seeing how this story developes. :-) P.S: Out of curiousity, is the use of the 'S' in the spelling of the title intentional, or just a minor typo? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted March 4, 2006 Report Share Posted March 4, 2006 The S in the title is a wink towards the seriousness of this piece... Thank you for the feedback This was actually meant as a one-time-only piece. I've tried to play with indeed the jaded feelings, and with a 'I don't care about the world, but wonder about it' approach I think. It's not meant as something to work out further, but more as something for myself to practice certain things on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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