Sweetcherrie Posted June 25, 2005 Report Share Posted June 25, 2005 (edited) The story can be found here As discussed on MSN, a little feedback… I love this story already and both the characters already have my sympathy. I will definitely be following this story, cause to me it feels like it will have the right mixture of adventure, mystery and action. The first post reads as if all is a little bit too coincidental, and it feels as if you’re going a bit too fast with the whole story idea. Like you said you just want to jot it down, while the idea is fresh. Definitely a good idea, but when you rework it, it might be a good idea to work out the story start. The dream showed the background a bit too fast, and it felt not right that he could remember a total dream like that when having a hangover from the night before. Maybe you could spread out the dream a bit more over several posts? Also maybe not tell that it will be five times, with this you might risk losing the attention after the fifth time. And again you’re giving an awful lot of information away in the first post already. I love the way the characters are almost each others opposites and think that they can make for some funny actions. Please continue writing this *sends out her puppeyes* PS: I know you asked me not to promote this too much, but I just wanted to get this down before it escaped my head Edited June 25, 2005 by Sweetcherrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted June 25, 2005 Report Share Posted June 25, 2005 I really like the start of this story, Katzaniel. :-) I like how you start the story with Spik waking up from a long night of partying, as it immediately sets a humorous tone for his character. I also really like the notion that Spik must save the lives of those who are going to save the world, as I found that an original thing to be destined to do. :-) Nathan's character also seems quite interesting from what little we've seen of him, though his incessant uses of "Gee whiz" make me question which era the story is set in. I like what's been written so far, including the first post, though I do agree with Sweetcherrie that there are points where a lot of information is relayed. The paragraph describing Spik's parents and history, for example, struck me as a bit of a summary, and you might want to gradually relay those details over the course of the narrative rather than summing them up in the first post. Looking forward to seeing how this story developes. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted November 4, 2005 Report Share Posted November 4, 2005 Well, as you may be able to tell, this has had a pretty major overhaul. I've definitely taken to heart what you guys said about the dream, and laying out too much, and this time there isn't even going to *be* a dream. There won't be a necklace either; its purpose will be fulfilled differently in this incarnation. I even fixed the "Gee whiz", though I'm not sure if "Geez" is much better. But I do like how Nathan talks though, it's absolutely part of him, now. If you're wondering about "Nathan" vs "Natalie", I'm sorry. It's not *my* fault their names came out that way - blame them for ever deciding to date! If it helps any, Natalie will make a joke about it before long. Oh, question - what's the drinking age in Ontario? I wasn't sure if it was 18 or 19. So.. yeah. Expect updates in the actual story more often than in this thread, because this is my NaNoWriMo project. Ya-har! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted November 8, 2005 Report Share Posted November 8, 2005 Chapter 4 (I guess I'm calling them that. Weird. I've never had *chapters* before!) seems strained, to me. But, the nature of NaNoWriMo dictates that I continue, so I will. I highly doubt that anything will need to be changed that would affect the plot, though that isn't exactly static just yet. (Major plot overhauls in the past 2 hours: 1) By the way, there are "Possible expansion points" and stuff (like *gasp* near swear-words, and notes about checking facts) that you guys aren't getting in your version. Just so you know. (I will eventually want to hear opinions on whether I should go into the Casa Loma bit, but for now, I figure if it would be boring for me to write, it would be boring to read. So that's my mantra until December). (PS. I looked up the drinking age thing a bit back.) I'm kind of worried about how thinky Natalie is turning out. I didn't want to make a statement or anything. But the character is running away on me. Do you think I should be trying to rein her in? Or Nathan. He was supposed to be more of a leader. But I guess my subtle (I hope) changes are coming across that the character is changing; growing; expanding. If that is how it's seeming... sweet! If not, maybe editting can work that magic. Anyway, yeah. 'Night, all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted November 10, 2005 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2005 Keep at it Katz, it's developing nicely and you can do this I'm sure of it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tamaranis Posted November 21, 2005 Report Share Posted November 21, 2005 Well, I read that first post and that narration style made it fun to read before the plot even really reveals itself. I can see bits of people you know surfacing in your characters too, I'm not sure how much of that is deliberate and how much is just how this sort of thing works, and I'm probably missing most of the times it happens anyway. Heh, "slash." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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