Nitpickers, unite!!

[Jareena Faye]

Do you like to complain? Point out typos and plotholes? Hey--- are you just plain SMARTER than everyone else? (C'mon, you know you are.)

 

Well then, we want you!

 

There's a pathetic wannabe author *coughmecough* who's trying to prep her work for publishing. So what are you waiting for? Get over there and point out all her mistakes! She'll thank you.

 

Don't think about it, just call.

[Mynx]

Mynx bounces in, ear-bell tinkling softly with each bound, before tacklehugging Jareena and submitting her to kittenish snuggles.

 

I know your writing style, girl, and you are far from pathetic!

Glad to hear you're aiming to go public! As soon as I'm done with my exams I'll take a looksy.

[Jareena Faye]

AWww, thanks sweet thang. *scratches your ear*

[~O~]

As a founding member of RTCYSIA, I'm honor-bound to comply with a request for niggling.

[Katzaniel]

I'm only partway through the first chapter, but here are the typos I have found thus far:

 

He being held -> He was being held

 

seniority card He’d held -> seniority card. He'd held

 

remind me of some one. -> remind me of someone.

 

facing the speaker--- a white unicorn -> facing the speaker: a white unicorn

(this is probably a matter of preference, I'm not sure... anyway, it struck me as wrong, though I can't say why.)

 

Bursting into smile -> Bursting into a smile

 

more than you, child -> more than you do, child

 

the one I spoke of will be there -> the one of which I spoke will be there

 

(These last two are fine as is because they come from speech, not narrative, and in order for speech to be natural, it can't be perfect. However, this comes from a unicorn, who I rather view as having achieved perfection. If that is the impression you wanted to leave for Trupulse, I recommend those changes.)

 

Hope this helps!

 

(PS, I am enjoying the story, and think it is well done, but won't post any sort of review on that until I've had time to read more.)

[Jareena Faye]

Dude... you rock! Thank you so much!

[~O~]

Okay... I've been moving through the story slowly--multitaskers unite--and have been focussing on writing style rather than typos...

~O~

I can't believe I just said that. I suppose you can take away my RTCYSIA badge.

~O~

I can't believe I just said that. This badge is mine. I'm just not using it right now.

~O~

Okay...

~O~

I like the characters so far, although I'd like a bit more time spent with each one. I'm hoping as I progress through the story, I'll get that time. The Winchesters are fighters to the end. They won't go down easy. But each one is also a unique character. Carv strikes me as the unassailable mountain. Cam is a warrior with a one-track mind. Steph is still somewhat naive and innocent. And Char is too weak to do much fighting, but he shows his spirit by running. Normally, children have more speed but less endurance than adults... but he's got the mental endurance to keep fleeing.

~O~

I'm liking the idea of the world... Many worlds. Allows for a lot of interesting possibilities. But it also has a few inherent weakness. First, the fate of any one world isn't as big a loss because there's always somewhere else to retreat to. This means that any encounter with nasty baddies is going to have less dramatic tension. WAR is coming. Why would a family of dimension travellers care? Dramatic tension is what keeps readers interesting. You'll have to find another way to maintain it... which I'll be able to comment on later.

~O~

Secondly, each world is likely to get less descriptive attention than if there was only one world. You've kind of compensated for that by having similar worlds--the street signs are all in the same language, and I have the feeling that there are several 20th C worlds, and at least one magical world, with the possibility of a scifi one (possibly combined w/ the fantasy).

~O~

And finally, a suggestion... Chapter 1 has a reference to FATE (the great coincidence that brings girls together is suspected to be more than coincidence). Personally, I think that is a blow to credibility for the rest of the story.

~O~

What engages me is struggle on the part of the characters. Surmounting impossible odds kind of thing. Heroic doggy almost dies, but manages to drag Timmy from the well.

~O~

If the characters have FATE on their side from the first chapter, then there's no tension throughout the story. The characters will succeed at the last minute. FATE is on their side. Remember what I said about dramatic tension?

~O~

I don't do much writing, compared to other things, but as a die-hard GM, I've had to watch the direct effect of plot tension on characters. Perhaps that's why I prefer GMing to writing. *shrugs*

~O~

I once ran a game where the characters met The Oracle early on, and she told them that A Prophecy would be made (meta-prophecy at work! Muahahaha). Being the egotistical heros that PCs are, they assumed (correctly) that they would be involved... true enough. And a Prophecy-Driven hero has FATE on his side.

~O~

So how did I compensate for it? Well... I had The Oracle (not that one, her sister) appear, and tell them that the fate of the world required that they attack a fortress and raze it to the ground. On arriving, the characters found that the inhabitents of the fortress were quite friendly. So... They became significantly suspicious of The Oracles, however many of them there were, and what ulterior motives there were that they (the PCs) didn't see. It doesn't invalidate The Prophecy, or Fate, but it does allow for a *non-friendly* Fate. And that means they can die.

~O~

I don't know yet what it is that your characters are FATED to do (I assume save the world(s)). But so far, FATE seems friendly.

[Jareena Faye]

Hmm, what a good read! You're a deep thinker, and I thank you for challenging my thinking (again, ha!).

 

By the way, what is RTCYSIA exactly?

 

I suppose that's the problem with revamping a story you've been working on since your "naive" years. This first book is quite different from the others in the sense that the wars are less personal, and most of the "personal" blows are internal. If you have any ideas on how to correct that problem, I welcome them.

 

Most of all, though, I'm just grateful that you've set aside so much time for me. (Speaking of which, I'd better go soon and start sowing what I reap.) Continue only at your convenience.

 

Have a great day!

[~O~]

Right To Correct Your Silly Illiterate Ass. We were established as an attempt to eliminate the typos, spelling errors, gramatical problems, etc. that plagued the UBB.

~O~

By the way... I've given what I had *intended* as constructive criticism. Your last post sounded kind of dejected. I didn't intend to convince you that your book wasn't worth it. On the contrary... I think it's got a lot of potential. Look at all the things I complimented you on.

~O~

One thing you might want to consider is whether you want to create a work of dramatic fiction, or write a book that supports Christian ideals and thought. Because that will shape the tone and form of your book. There are some parts of Christianity that makes for a really good story, and others that outright ruin a good story. If you're wanting to write a work of Christian dramatic fiction (which I believe the world needs more of), choose which elements of Christianity you want to bring to the foreground, and which you can leave in the background.

~O~

For instance, faith despite lack of proof ("Blessed are they who have not seen, yet still believe") is at a direct contrast with Miracles. Yet both have a place in the message of Christ, do they not?

~O~

Choose an element or two to focus on instead of trying to do everything at once.

~O~

My last post, like this one, is far from trying to convince you to give up on the work, but rather suggestions on how you can create a good work of literary Christianity. Of course, the best examples we have are Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia... but they say different things about Christianity. I think it's possible to write a good (not just decent) work of fiction about Christianity, and I think your book has enough potential to become one.

Edited June 22, 2005 by ~O~

[Jareena Faye]

Thank you for the compliments. I really wasn't dejected, actually... I have enough pride to take a stab or two. Heh.

 

The thing is that a lot of those elements do tie in, but I'm not tying them well at the moment. The following books should do better, and hopefully someday I'll be able to start a series off on a good foot. I'll just have to put some effort into ironing the mistakes I know I've made, but am hanging onto out of sheer laziness.

 

Thanks again for all your feedback and thoughts! You've got a great mind. And it's good for me.

[Jareena Faye]

One more note about the lack of single-mindedness in this story...

 

I am aware that I tried to tackle too many things at once. At the same time, however, I don't want it to be a plain ol' "moral at the end" story. I believe we work through most of our obstacles bit by bit, and all at once. Life isn't condensed into a beginning-middle-end story, you know?

 

So do you have any suggestions on how I can do this without making it seem scattered and pointless?

Edited July 23, 2005 by Jareena Faye