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Sparhawk

Corp's Movie Reviews

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ok so 2 side notes first.

 

Side note #1: These Movie Reviews were not done by me, they were done by someone I know. Just so that it's clear I'm not trying to pass off someone else's work as my own.

 

Side Note #2:

 

Buy it = damn good (see it now)

 

See it = good (see in threater)

 

Rent it = not bad (wait for video)

 

Skip it = bad (wait for it on tv)

 

Avoid like the plague = very bad (all copies must be found and burned)

 

[Wyvern Edit: These reviews were archived from the password-protected Meeting Hall of the Seventh Gate website, and are by Corp. They are archived here with his permission.]

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GANGS OF NEW YORK

 

 

A very good movie that does a great job at showing the underworld of 1863 New York. The story is that two gangs once fought for control of Five Points, the slums of New York City. Well the Irish gang got a beating and our hero had to watch his father die. The rest of the movie is our hero planning his revenge and trying to help the Irish fit in. The government corruption was well done and the life in the slums was as well. The Civil War was also worked in well. Our hero is a likeble but the bad guy far out does him. It is a bit dark but you're dealing with slums. The surprise was how bloody it was. One guy gets ten bullets through him another gets a knife in the heart. The love story could also have been done without but hey it's bollywood.

 

Best Scene: Right at the start when the Irish gang is gathering it's forces. Kicked ass.

 

Best Line: "Amsterdam. I'm New York."

 

Rating: See it!

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LOTR: TWO TOWERS

 

Well if you haven't seen it...WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!!?! I think that does it.

 

Best Scene: The elves entering Helm's Deep.

 

Best Line: "Come my friends. The Ents are going to war."

 

Rating: Buy it!

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FOUR FEATHERS

 

The story is that when a British soldier hears that his unit is shipping out to the Sudan he resigns. Being 19th century he gets four white feathers which was a sign of being a pussy. Once he hears that the British are getting an ass wiping he sets off to save his friends. Now I had high hopes for this one. I was looking for big ass battles. I got one cool shot and that's it. The story was still ok but not as good as I had hoped. Also I could have done without the love triangle. So over all it's ok but could have been better.

 

Best Scene: The attack on the British square.

 

Best Line: "God put you in my way."

 

Rating: Rent it!

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OFFICE SPACE

 

Well I had really high hopes for this one. It's about a guy who just gets sick of his job and goes nuts. Problem is he just can't get fired. The most things he does the more the bosses like him. Should be funny as hell right? WRONG!!!!!!!! Holy hell did this movie suck. The characters pissed he off after awhile, most of the jokes were lame, and the story line wasn't that get either. The one good part was when they stole the fax machine, that never worked, and destroyed it. However I still want those two hours of my life back.

 

Best Scene: Destroying the fax machine.

 

Best Line: None come to mind. Did see it over three years ago

 

Rating: Avoid it like the Plague

 

 

 

As for Jackass I could feel my IQ drop just watching the previews so I don't think I'm going to see it.

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MINORITY REPORT

 

The story is that the year is 2053 and murders can be preticted and stopped. Three...umm..muntants are able to see the future, mainly murders. A special team then moves in and stops the murder before it happens. Tom Cruise plays the top cop until he's tagged for a future murder. Now he must rush to find who he's going to kill and find who's framing him. This is hard to do with eye scans everywhere. Wonder how many of those ad things are destroyed per day. Anywho the plot is quick so you need to pay attention. Also one question is burning in your head: why the hell doesn't he empty his gun and stay in one place until the murder time passes. The future world looks great, of course I wouldn't want to live in it. The cars are cool and I so want the energy shotgun thing. It is a bit dark, murders and all, and peoples motives are at times unclear. There are a few plot holes too like the son and why did the doctor help him and not burn his eyes out? Overall an enjoyable movie with some really cool scenes.

 

Best Scene: The rocketpack chase.

 

Best Line: "Everyone runs."

 

Rating: See it!

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BLADE II

 

Your favorite vampire hunter is back and badder than ever. The story starts with Blade looking for his buddy from the first movie. Seems he didn't know how to shot himself in the head. However as soon as Blade finds him he gets a message from the Vampire Nation (just south of Cuba). It seems that there is now something hunting the vampires and their numbers are growing. Faced with this new threat Blade must team up with the 'Blood Team' a group of vampires that has spent the last two years training to kill him. Wacky hijinx covered in blood follow. This movie does a very good job at following the ideas from the first movie. The story is enjoyable and easy to follow. The FX have been vastly improved although I would have like to see them try to hide and fact that's it's all fake. The super vampire guys and their feeding habits are one of the better FX (they must have one hell of a dental plan). As you would expect it is bloody and some shots in the bar were just...wrong. And, like always, the love story could have been left out. Overal it follows nicely with the first movie and will give you some good old fashion vampire fun.

 

Best Scene: Blade showing the Blood Team who's boss.

 

Best Line: "You do not know who you are f***ing with."

 

Rating: See it!

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THE BARBER SHOP

 

There are many mini stories in this one, but not bad enough to confuse you. The secondary story is about two dumb ass robbers trying to break over an ATM. They provide most of the laughs. The story does seem meaningless but it all comes together in the end. Now the main story is about a man who decided to sell the family barber shop. It is only too late until he see how much the shop means to the people and the community. Now he must try and save it. This movie is really well done and shows what's really important in life. It also looks into the black community, you dig dog?

 

Best Scene: The West Africa guy kicking ass

 

Best Line: "There's always that one dumb black guy who messes everything up. You da dumb n***er!"

 

Rating: See it!

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I SPY

 

Plot is that the newest US fighter plane has been stolen. Damn who looks after these things? Well a second rate spy has the job of getting it back. However the only way he can get close enough is to work with a boxer with a massive ego. The FX are quite good and the jet is really nice. Owen Wilson plays his part well although it might have been better if he as a top spy. Eddie Murphy gets the ego this down so great about midway through the movie you want him to shut the hell up. There are a number of funny parts like when Bush gives Murphy's character a call. There are also plan painly scenes like when Wilson tries to pick up chicks. Overall it's a good move but more could have been done with the idea.

 

Best Scene: When they're trying to find out who's the double agent.

 

Best Line: "Doesn't this feel like a stakeout guys?" (do a shot everytime Wilson says stakeout.

 

Rating: Rent it.

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BABYLON 5 SEASON TWO (DVD)

 

Not really a movie but it's my thread so I don't give a damn. Let's just say it kicks ass...major ass...Shadow kicking Narn ass. As you all know B5 is the best sci-fi show every made. By season two is really when the big story arcs take off. The show I'm watching right now has techo-mages and really, I ask you, can you go wrong with techo-mages? No of course not. Did I mention that B5 rocks? Well it does.

 

Best Line (thus far): "I see a hand reaching from the stars as thousands of people cry out your name."

 

"My followers?"

 

"Your victims."

 

Best Sceen (thus far): Earth fighters facing off against Minbari fighters. DVD is cool.

 

Rating: Buy it dumb ass!

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CATCH ME IF YOU CAN

 

Story is that a 16 year old boy runs away from home after his family falls apart due to money trouble. Using charm and skills he learned from his father he begins to forge checks. Over the next six years he crosses the country and the world convincing people he's a pilot, doctor, and laywer. All this by being chased by the FBI. Now this movie was better than one woulds think. It's cool how the main character pulls all this s**t off and his interaction with the FBI agent is well done. And all this stuff is based on a true story!

 

Best Scene: When they first met face to face.

 

Best Line: "Merry Chirstmas!!"

 

Rating: See it!

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ROBIN WILLIAMS LIVE ON BROADWAY

 

Williams doing stand up about politics, sports, sex, animals, and much more. Even some Canada jokes...good ones! Being Williams you know it's going to be funny and over the top, and it is. The main surprises were how foul his mouth was and how much he sweats. Still very funny.

 

Best Scene: His zoo bit.

 

Best Line: "People are sueing Miss Cleo for fraud...well f***ing dua!"

 

Rating: See it!

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X2

 

The battle between mutents and humans continue in the second X-man movie. In this the US president is attacked by a mutant which gives the green light for an attack on Prof X's school. The professor is captured and the x-man must join with their enemies to save him and the world. Now let me start by saying that the movie kicks ass!! More mutants, more effects, better acting...it's all there. Nightcrawler's attack on the president is almost worth the price alone. My only beef is that Wolverin just isn't...Canadian enough. Let's get that back story right! And robots! I want giant purple robots!

 

Best Scene: Magneto ripping the iron right out of the guard's blood stream. Damn!

 

Best Line: "Have you ever tried not being a mutant?"

 

Rating: Buy it!! (when it comes out)

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MATRIX: RELOADED

 

Our heros are back to fight against the human controlling machine known as the matrix. This time the last human city is about to be destroyed and Agent Smith has returned with a few hundred clones. Neo and the gang must try and stop them with the help of new friends and enemies. Now this movie was better than the first one in my view. Since the whole idea is understood the story is much easyer to follow. The characters are more developed with Neo becoming a god-like figure and Morpheous being questioned on his believes. The best thing about this movie is how it looks. Zion, the last human city, is very well done and the big chase scene kicks ass. The piss offs are...well...all the damn ads before the movie and the fact that it's a damn t.b.c (to be continued).

 

Best Scene: Fight between Neo and Smith(s). Sound is great.

 

Best Line: "Hello Mr Anderson...surprised to see me?"

 

Rating: Buy it!

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DIE ANOTHER DIE

 

Bond is back blowing stuff and nailing hot chicks. In this move he's in North Korea with the goal of killing a guy who's messing around the BMZ. Well things happen and Bond is captured (gasp!) and for 14 months get's to have fun in a North Korean prison. He finally gets out in a prisoner exchange to find that he's been disowned by his bosses. On his own Bond strikes out to find the person who blew his cover in North Korea. Now his movie has everything a Bond movie should have. Stuff blowing up, chases, hot girls wearing very little, jokes about..well...you know. *wink wink*. Brosnan does well as Bond once again and Berry played a character who could take care of herself...well most of the time. The bad guys were ok but I expected more that the normal weapon of doom thing. Bond villians need to get cleaver again. The opening parts (gun and credits) were changed and I think for the worst. You don't mess with that stuff. Over all this movie was an improvement over the last one but it just didn't...well...feel right. Bond needs to get back to his roots.

 

Best Scene: The car chase was cool but too long.

 

Best Line: "Come with me double-o zero"

 

Rating: Rent it.

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THE ITALIAN JOB

 

A gang of robbers get together to pull off one last job. They make it and get away with several million dollars worth of gold. Problem is that one of them double crosses them, kills the leader and leaves the rest for dead. Now a year later the old crew gets back together and get revenge and the gold back. Now this is a remake of a famous British movie so I wasn't expecting much. However I was surprised at how good it was. Likeable characters (Green's is the best), lots of action, funny. A few minor characters appear out of nowhere and for some reason the mini is the best getaway car...but these are minor problems. Overall a very enjoyable movie.

 

Best Scene: Where they talk about how they first became robbers.

 

Best Line: "It's over then I say it's over."

 

Rating: See it!

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BRUCE ALMIGHTLY

 

Jim Carrey plays a self-centered tv reporter who blames God when his life goes down the sh***er. God, tried of his complaining, gives him God-like power over Bufflo. Now Bruce must try and learn to use these new powers and prove he can do a better job than God. Carrey is back to his wacky self so this is a very funny movie. Freedman(sp?) is perfect as God and his great everytime he's on the screen. However the movie deals with with God's role in the world which might upset some hardcore Christians. The fact that it deals with theology rather heavy is the main problem with the movie. However it's funny enough that it doesn't mess up the movie.

 

Best Scene: When he first gets his powers

 

Best Line: (on if God takes breaks) "What do you think the Dark Ages were?"

 

Rating: See it

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THE HULK

 

Everyone should know this story. Scienist gets mad, turns into big, green, bullet-proof monster. In this one it's not a nuke that makes the change but in this one it's a number of things. Now the military, corperations, and his own father want to control Banner aka Hulk. Now the fx is very good and the fight scenes kick ass. The story also has things other than fighting and is alot more dark and deep. A little too deep for my liking really. Character motives are unclear or change, the story can jump into the past without warning, and the split screen is cool but can get tiring. The ending sucked, leaving alot more questions. Overal the fxs are great and the story isn't too bad...but something turned me off from this one.

 

Best Scene: The fight with the tanks.

 

Best Line: "It's about anger...power...freedom."

 

Rating: See it but only for the fxs

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DARK BLUE

 

Kurt Russel plays a bad cops who is willing to do anything to get the bad guy...be they guilty or not. The story starts with a hearing involving his young partner in a shooting. He is soon cleared and has the movie moves on he see how deep the rot goes in the force. Only one cop is prepared to try and take the bad ones down. Now the acting is good, but I was expecting more. I was hoping of a cop vs cop battle but it's more about doing the right thing. Still it kills a few hours.

 

Best Scene: When the truth comes out.

 

Best Line: "Damn it man talk english."

 

Rating: Rent it

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JONNY ENGLISH

 

Jonny English is a low level agent in the British Intell who always screws things up. When all the other agents are killed there is no choice but to put him on the top case. When the crown jewels are stolen English must try and find them...try being the main word. While he's doing this he uncovers a much larger plot. Now this is a funny movie. I wasn't expecting much but I really enjoyed it. No wonder it's number one is Europe.

 

Best Scene: The chase scene

 

Best Line: "Don't worry sir I've seen to everything" (famous last words)

 

Rating: See it

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PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

 

What's better than a movie about pirates? A movie about zombie pirates! The story begins when a young girl helps to save a young boy after a pirate attack. Around his neck she finds a gold coin which she hides believeing it to be a pirate symbol. It's now eight years later and the girl, now a good looking woman, still has the coin. The problem is that it attracts the black pearl, a cursed pirate ship. The boy, now a blacksmith, must team up with the former captain of the pirate ship to rescue her and stop the pirates. Now this movie kicks ass! It has action, it's funny, and the effects are very well done. Does't mean there aren't problems. There are some plot holes you could sail a ship of the line through but these can be over looked. Well most can. Anywho it's a great movie overall.

 

Best Scene: The sword fight between the two captains.

 

Best Line: "You best start believeing in ghost stories; you're in one."

 

Rating: Buy it!

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LXG

 

The year is 1899 and a mad man is trying to start ww1. In order to prevent this the British goverment puts togther a team including Allan Quatermain, the Invisable Man, Dr Jekyll, Captain Nemo, Dorian Grey, Mina Harker, and Tom Sawyer. This last one was thrown in to keep the America public happy I believe. The movie wasn't bad but it could have been better. Alot of time is spent introducing the characters, since todays youth don't read the books in which they are from. The fx are well done but at times it's hard to follow the action and they tried to do too much with Nemo's sub. Bloody thing is as big as a carrier. Throw in tanks, cars, rockets, flamethrowers, and automatic riflesand this becomes a movie you need to turn your brain off to enjoy. By far the best character is the Invisable Man and it's too bad he don't get much screen time. There was also too much Sawyer but that's just my basis that he has no place in this group. The plot is well done with some twists that you really don't see coming. So don't think and you'll enjoy it.

 

Best Scene: The fight in Grey's house

 

Best Line: "You shoot like an American. Fire enough bullets and hope you hit something."

 

Rating: See it (or rent it; kind of on the edge)

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T3

 

In the past two movie a massive war against machines that wipeout most of the human race was stopped. Ya about that...

It is now ten years later and Conner believes that judgement day is still coming. He remains off the system, always on the run. Despite this he's found rather quickly. There's a new terminator (who can 'terminate' me any day) who's mission is to kill the other leaders of the resistance. Of course the orignal terminator shows up to try and stop her. He has a hard time since he's out of date...which makes you wonder why they couldn't get a better robot. Now many have trashed this movie but I liked it. The efforts are good, the story line was solid, and the ending was well done. Some of the lines are kind of painful and there are some part of the plot that seem to just disappear but over all it's a good movie.

 

Best Scene: Future shot of the machines advancing

 

Best Line: "I am...a machine."

 

Rating: See it

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ANALYZE THAT

 

We return to the story of the hit movie Analyze This. The mob boss is now in jail until someone tries to kill him. He "goes nuts" so that he can use the shrink to get out and find who's trying to kill him. Now I must say I was disappointed with this movie. It didn't seem to have any direction and the plot was kind of weak. Some jokes were funny but just seemed old. The ending also sucked, leaving alot of loose ends.

 

Best Scene: The whole "crack-up" bit

 

Best Line: "Daylight is the best time [to shoot someone]; you can see better."

 

Rating: Skip it

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DAREDEVIL

 

The story is mostly a flashback from our hero. We learn that was a boy he found that his father was working for the mob. He soon got a faceful of bio...stuff...with seemed only to affect his eyes. Although blind his hearing became that of a bat; 'seeing' things through echo. He learned to develop these powers as his dad went straight. However the mob soon kills his father and our hero vows to help those who'd no one would help. Now a lawyer he helps the poor during the day and beats the s**t out of the new mob at night. The action is good although it is easy to tell where the fxs were, and some of the scenes of the echo vison was...well odd. I also wished there was more of Kingpin given he was the master bad guy. Still there was good action, Bullseye was cool, and they took care of the little details. Good movie but they could have done more.

 

Best Scene: When the lawyers are talking in the diner

 

Best Line: "I'm not too crazy about the outfit." (said by priest)

 

Rating: See it

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