Sweetcherrie Posted May 17, 2005 Report Share Posted May 17, 2005 Gazing at those flickering silver stars Have you forgotten who you are? Forgotten who you were Into this world of light and fear It is too easy to let yourself drown in sorrow Too easy to just let go of tomorrow Lonely rogue, drifter in the world of unknown Lift me higher into the heavens Into those worlds of fantasies you roam Staring into the burning golden sun Have you forgotten how it’s begun? Forgotten where to start Into this would-be world without a heart It is too easy to get lost within contemplations Too easy to forget the revelations Lonely rogue, drifter in the world of unknown Take me away from this hell Into those worlds of dreams you roam Walking on the surface of this surreal earth Have you forgotten what it’s worth? Forgotten your true value Into this world of you and only you It is too easy to flee away from the temptation Too easy to curse this ruined civilization Lonely rogue, drifter in the world of unknown Carry me into Nirvana Into those worlds of illusions you roam Lonely rogue, drifter in the world of unknown Claim me into your dreams Into those worlds of passion you roam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted May 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 17, 2005 (edited) I'm still playing with the words in this one, drummondo pointed out to me already that "how it's begun" doesn't sound entirely correct. Staring into the burning golden sun Have you forgotten what you embarked on? Forgotten where to start Into this would-be world without a heart It is too easy to get lost within contemplations Too easy to forget the revelations Not sure if that change would do the rhytme any good though... Any comments would be welcome Edited May 17, 2005 by Sweetcherrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragonqueen Posted May 24, 2005 Report Share Posted May 24, 2005 I quite liked this poem. It actually reminded me of something I wrote a bit ago, but this has more art to it. Personally, "how it's begun" doesn't bother me, but in the interest of grammar and such, one might change it. My only critique on this poem would be where, in each stanza, the line beginning with "Forgotten..." has no ending punctuation mark. Maybe you did that purposely; I don't know. My thought was that without punctuation it seems to be connected to the next line "Into...", while, at least in my head, that line actually makes more sense when it is connected to the line after that. Well, that was a bit convuluted, but naturally the choice is yours. Quite a good poem. I'm mildly brain-dead right now, so I'm not putting words together very well, but it's a lovely poem. Something I'd like to have on my wall, I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts