Cerulean Posted April 18, 2005 Report Share Posted April 18, 2005 (edited) After reading Let Them Eat Bombs, by Terry Jones. 'Jam tomorrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.' (Alice Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carroll) Declaiming through the strafe and buzzing flies, a man emerges, promises in hand. He drops them on dull faces, soft as lies, they shimmer with the lure of contraband. I see his sinning sink, as terms are sown to form a carpet. He strolls, unafraid. Each step he takes announces cracking bone, ‘til bones and flesh with words are overlaid. But every rotting child who starved for bread, each dead-eyed woman, whoring for a meal will leave a bloody imprint in my head, to match the one he’s polished from his heel. Remorselessly he lines his speech with sorrow, assuring us of apricots - tomorrow. *edit* I feel all Oscar Wildeish since on Loki's recommendation, I added a comma. Am waiting to see if anyone has any major nits before revising. I already have some other thoughts from Loki stewing in my mental pot *bows in thanks.* Cerulean, stirring madly. Edited April 18, 2005 by Cerulean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted April 19, 2005 Report Share Posted April 19, 2005 (edited) I haven't read the book, but I understand the sentiment... You capture it so much better than my unfinished sand poem ever did... well done... but I wrote sand the day troops crossed into iraq...so the inspiration didn't have the benifit of hindsight... hmm, you inspire to try to finish it... when morning comes, for i write best in the morning, I just might... thank you, oh...but here's a thought: I see his sinning sink, as terms are sown Why not just "sin?" I see his sin sink, as terms are sown ... Also, maybe some more description of the "carpet" but the whole "apricots tomorrow" thing is a nice touch... Was that one of the many themes from the book? Basically the future promise of fruits for enduring terrible burdens/labors? rev... Edited April 19, 2005 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerulean Posted April 22, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2005 (edited) Hey rev, Thanks for commenting - and good luck finishing your own poem. Thanks also to the folks who PM'd me with appreciation/advice etc. Your feedback was welcome as always. In terms of word additions/changes - I definitely need to rethink tracts of this - but word selection bears the constraints of the sonnet form - so anything that forces metrical substitutions in the IP has to be deliberate and not casual. I think my friend summed this poem up best when he said: 'Aside from a clever title and an interesting reference, this poem has almost nothing to recommend it. It's difficult to follow, unnecessarily melodramatic and doesn't contain a single memorable line.' lol - back to the initial drafts where the trope was different methinks. Still stirring and stewing, Cerulean. Edited April 22, 2005 by Cerulean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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