Loki Wyrd Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 I wasn't going to post this, but I am. Maybe the last poem I'll post up for a while. Pale, empty halls, facet of unwatched eyes plunging into silence, congealed upon the walls in monochrome still-life. Windows like tombs, behind closed doors, save for one. Hunched over blue and red striped notebook paper, lining the crevices with down, you'll find me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 (edited) Nice. Working alone again? Well, then again, when it comes down to it, don't we all write alone? Setting? A empty school perhaps? Have you stayed behind to finish up... Like a lone professor hanging back to finish up? Or maybe a place work, with an employee doing similar... Or maybe some form of punishment as you title "flagged" could suggest? I like your poems, they make me think... Though, I'm not entiring sure what you mean by "with down" in your second to last line... Are you defeated? ...deflated? ...sad? ...or just a using it as a following phrase for "hunched over." I've never heard "down" phrased that way before, so I struggle to discern it's meaning... Again, I'm not sure what you're going for...but if I'm anywhere close, I'll hazard a suggestion: revise to either, "When Down" or just "down" Also, in your fourth Line: congealed upon the walls I do understand if your observation of the actual scene in your mind or reality lends more to this word. However, I think, you could substitute the more simple "fixed" for "congealed." This is just a personal bias... Congealed seems a cold scientific word, and I never liked it. I can also see three places to divide the poem into three stanza... a 3, 3, 5 line set up... Not sure, but I can see it. Ultimately, the metaphore is yours to illuminate, and I don't know if doing any of my suggestions would add or take away from that. Again, It's just things, I happen to see. You don't have to post... but please keep writing... best of luck revery the dreamlost "Reluctantly crouched at the starting line" (Cake, The Distance) the dream continues... Edited April 16, 2005 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted April 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 (edited) Some explanation... down = soft, fluffy feathers, or something soft and fluffy like down (such as one might find in pillows, etc). Part of the reason I used the term 'congealed' was because in the previous line I had written, "plunging into silence," and congealed is in keeping with the metaphor of silence as a liquid (until it's congealed, at least ). Plus, yeah, I am a cold, scientific person. I don't really feel it's necessary to break this poem up, as it just didn't strike me that I should. Breaks tug on my pant leg like a small child, but at no point in writing this did I feel that. *shrugs* Most certainly I won't stop writing, I'm doing more now than ever, and in the past couple months alone I've made marked improvement. I just feel I've reached the point where I have to go it alone. Luckily, it's not something I'm unaccustomed to. Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. Edited April 16, 2005 by Loki Wyrd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted April 16, 2005 Report Share Posted April 16, 2005 ah... takes for explaining... though remember, you never have to do that... especially a poem... Yeah, I know what you mean about going it alone, to quote stephen king, "Write your first draft with the door closed, the second with the door open..." Good luck on your journey... And one day, may you find that certain uncommon and discerning listener that we all write for... still looking myself, rev... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted April 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 Of course, I know that. I probably wouldn't have been obliged to go more in-depth, but I figured my explanation was harmless enough. Thank you, and good luck to you as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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