Creative Writing

[Loki Wyrd]

Eyes are watering the depths

of thick carpet kicked at by feet--

 

white-orbed dandelions burst

in whirlwinds left to wake

 

as clouds of agitation,

rendering one's beliefs

 

to fruit of invention

there to partake.

Edited April 10, 2005 by Loki Wyrd

[Sweetcherrie]

Hmm...a lot of the times I feel as if I miss out on something when reading your poems. They always seem to have so many layers, and one way or the other I always seem to not get through to the deepest layer.

 

However, your poems do provoke me to pick up a dictionary and find out what exactly you might have meant by chosing certain words, and most of the times I get to surprising results and feelings.

 

What I took from this poem is that you can stare in the past, the future and ones actions as much as you want, but everything is temporary.

 

The image of the Dandelion you've used clearly impressed me with this idea of time and temporarity, and the whirlwinds that would blow away the seeds in the wind even heightened this feeling.

 

Like I said, I've probably missed many layers, but I liked the layers that I could see

[Loki Wyrd]

I'm most pleased to hear it.

[Quincunx]

My potential misunderstandings--input from other readers on these points will be welcome.

 

I have had some trouble, juxtaposing the 'thick', indoor-evoking carpet with the dandelions and wind despite the dash telling me not to do it; then I thought, "It's the welcome mat", but I don't describe those as thick. Rough, tough, soiled, maybe heavy-duty, but not 'thick'. If the poem is set inside, where is the window? Are the dandelions set into a vase on the table (and drooping--dandelions wilt very quickly after picking)?

 

I read "rendering" and think "boiling down and purifying", properly, but between that line and the next, I've already gone back and replaced it with "purifying", "refining", or some less concrete verb. However, I do like how that line begins on a strong syllable, and many of the substitutions didn't start with a strong syllable. When I go to the last verse and work backwards from the destination, the verb changes into "enticing" or "guiding" or another verb which implies motion.