Loki Wyrd Posted March 28, 2005 Report Share Posted March 28, 2005 (edited) He swims with wide, swift strokes Forcing the water to follow His face laps against its friction Viscous malcontent rapping against his lungs The pungent taste of chlorine bites at his nose The fetid smell of decomposition gnaws at his mouth Invariably Trying to stay abreast of the slough's ebb And swimming with wide, swift strokes against its flow Edited March 28, 2005 by Loki Wyrd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted March 28, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2005 An Amorphous Pause Sacramental stumps of ashen cigarette butts Deposited on the toilet seat. Lilliputians embark in consuming themselves As penance for their sins, while scrutinized Continuously by their chosen immortal things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted March 30, 2005 Report Share Posted March 30, 2005 I think that both of these are fantastic poems, Loki Wyrd. I found the imagery in "Capacity of 1" very vivid and evocative, particularly in the depiction of the chlorine biting at the man's nose and the image of the man swimming against the friction of the waves. The repetition of his "wide, swift strokes" and the inclusion of the opposing flow suggested to me a strong metaphorical depiction of struggle. Your word choice and phrasing were also excellent ("slough's ebb," for example), though the fourth and sixth lines struck me as a bit more wordy with their adjectives than the rest of the poem. An excellent piece of poetry, overall. "An Amorphous Pause" was similarly breathtaking in its phrasing and imagery, especially in the description and clever arrangement of the lines "ashen cigarette butts/ Deposited on the toilet seat." The poem came across as more directly philosophical than "Capacity of 1" yet was no less fascinating to me, as the impossible struggle to achieve penance was referenced in a very strong manner. Another great piece. Of minor note and out of pure curiousity: is there a reason for the first initial of every line to be capitalized in these poems? Wyvern humbles himself in front of Loki Wyrd's poetry expertise. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted March 30, 2005 Report Share Posted March 30, 2005 (side note - some word processors automatically capitalize the beginning of each line) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted March 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2005 I don't believe in autoformat, nor will I stand for it. Capitalizing the initial letters was really but an arbitrary decision, no hidden meaning--this time. I tend to agree with you about lines 4 and 6. I probably could just drop fetid and viscous and say just as much; it's just some words hold a certain glammer for me. If I changed 'fetid smell' to 'scent', do you think that would be an improvement? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted March 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2005 (edited) Revision: Capacity of 1 He swims with wide, swift strokes Forcing the water to follow His face laps against its friction Malcontent rapping against his lungs The pungent taste of chlorine bites at his nose The fetid miasma lingers in his mouth Invariably Trying to stay abreast of the slough's ebb And swimming with wide, swift strokes against its flow Edited March 31, 2005 by Loki Wyrd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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