Ikea flat-pack furniture

[Cerulean]

From last year's travels ~

 

Alternatively titled: Sweden's polite way of terrorising the gullible.

 

 

Now some may allege I'm a tad critical of Sweden - having moved to this icicle hell from the somewhat sunnier climes of the Middle East. Bias aside, however, I seriously believe Swedes are secretly villainous Vikings bent on world domination by dint of a portfolio of sinister plans. Said plans reveal a startling degree of ingenuity and cunning, discernible only to the practised eye... Bear with me. A nation whose people keep and eat rotted herring willingly, yet export top-notch vodka in huge quantities, simply has to have an agenda.

 

First off, they implemented the Nobel Peace Prize to give themselves street-cred and sufficient international approbation to globally popularise meatballs and beetroot... spot the buoyant Scandinavian economy anyone?

 

Next, they lulled the English speaking world into complacency by including a few common sounding words in their language, like 'bra' and 'tack' - which although representing 'good' and 'thanks' didn't panic us because we could confidently pronounce them.

 

It was within our smug cocoon of linguistic complacency that they then suddenly thwapped us with a medley of lilting diphthongs no god-fearing person should ever have to encounter.

 

Having left us reeling - totally unable to say the word 'seven' (try 'hwhu' with an energetically breathy beginning and an accented nasal contortion, simultaneously flapping tongue against palate - and you may approximate it sufficiently well that onlookers merely snigger and point at you...) they then flaunt a few world-class winter sports stars, ABBA and a selection of classy porn to distract our attention completely...

 

Finally, with world suspicion averted, and the self-confidence only a nation of natural blondes can muster, they slap up an IKEA store in every major city on the planet and in the whiff of a vanilla candle, seduce an unsuspecting public with dreams of stripped pine and coordinating bed linen.

 

We poor fools queue for hours in order to purchase several very heavy boxes of planks to transport home and assemble ourselves.

 

Except we can't assemble them, can we?

 

How many more people must crawl round a precariously ledged pine bar, before steps are taken? How many more puzzled and dejected punters will waste endless Sunday afternoons rotating small blurred drawings on instruction sheets? This cruelty has to stop.

 

I've got your number, Sweden old chum. It was an almost failsafe plan, meticulously hatched and executed with magnificent aplomb. But I'm onto you now. No more can you Swedes flit behind discreetly lit shelving units, chuckling. Your economy will never see another kronor from my pocket.

 

I have already lost my temper, my dosh, and my dignity. I've rallied screws like troops, and still have one left over. (It's sitting next to the 2 dowel plugs that are also left over.) Before this horrendous debacle I considered myself relatively competent.

 

I now know better.

 

Next time I'll lop a spruce and slap myself with the branches. That would be an altogether happier alternative.

 

(Oh and on the off chance there is anyone who can make it to Linköping with a philip's screwdriver, a tube of wood glue and a non-patronising attitude…)

[Gryphon]

Gryphon approaches and picks up the instruction sheets, studying them intently.

 

As he begins to nod thoughtfully to himself a small flicker of hope begins to blossom in Cerulean's heart.

 

Moments later Gryphon lowers the plans and turns to Cerulean saying, "Yep, I see your problem - plain as day right here. These plans were written in swiss by a chinese man who only spoke arabic. It appears he was using a maori to nigerian dictionary to aid in his translation."

 

Placing the instruction sheets back down Gryphon turns to leave only to be stopped short by Cerulean asking "You figured it out? So you can help me assemble my new bed?"

 

Shaking his head, Gryphon cheerfully tells Cerulean "Sorry mate, I don't understand a single word of it. But at least you now know what the problem is."

 

~~~

 

Seriously though, I know what you mean - last time I assembled something from an exploded diagram I got half way through before I had to take it all appart again since the plans didn't show that you needed to do the setting up in the reverse order from what I'd done it... so frustrating. I share your pain.

[Zadown]

Hear hear! Those evil, evil Swedes!

 

Wanders off, snickering.

[Cerulean]

Oh yes Z! Underneath that appreciative, gentle, tolerant, friendly, socially- responsible exterior writhes a hotbed of vicious despots I'm telling ya! *sniggers too*

 

(For anyone still having doubts, I think Sweden's extremely cool, and I don't mean just the weather. )

 

*Cerulean turns to Gryphon and laughs with him about the pain of self-assembly. *

 

I loved your explanation of the instructions. It really does feel sometimes that they're in a completely different language. When I saw IKEA rapped over the knuckles for their instruction booklets recently I thought their time had come to face their maker (pun fully intended!) but oh no, the hue and cry was concerned with women being under-represented in the assembly diagrams.

[WrenWind]

Having purchased several IKEA pieces over the years I have all but given up trying to follow the instructions and just look at the pictures and put things together in a way that makes sence to me and the end product looks like it is suposed to.

 

Loved this story it made me giggle.

[Falcon2001]

Heh, I completely agree, though I do like my ikea bookshelf I put together. Not only does it stand, but it only wobbles a little.

[Starlight]

What, us swedes having a master plan? Never! *cough* well, uhm... we had to get back at the world for depriving us of our colonies (like Finland *shakes fist at Z*)! It took a couple of centuries to hatch the plan and to make you all think we're harmless (though we outsourced parts of the Nobel funds to Norway to host the peace prize, I'm not sure on why that happened myself), but finally the time had come and Ingvar Kamprad was picked out as a kid to be the chosen one. Using our carefully built up reputation we spread IKEA across an unsuspecting world...

 

Why do I tell you this? Because, like any evil mastermind, we can always spill the beans when it's too late for you to do anything about it! IKEA is here to stay, and you WILL assemble them according to those instructions whether you like it or not! In a few more decades we might even start sending Twister mats with the furniture, adding extra difficulty to the assemblage - and you will gullibly follow the instructions! Muahahaha... wait, I shouldn't have said that, should I? *hides behind a discreetly lit shelving unit*

 

Well, I'd call this ooc but the above is also pretty ooc so I'll call this uhm... ooc-ooc! Anyway, great post Cerulean But really, what's so hard about pronouncing "sju"? *g* Easy for me to say who was born here

 

I don't have a Philips screwdriver (EDIT: Tzim just reminded me that that's what you call a certain kind of notches on screws in english, so I suppose I do have one then ;P), nor do I live anywhere near Linköping, sorry ;P I live much further up north. And on that note, I'm still rather pissed that the closest IKEA is 270kms away, the bastards

 

In closing, that recent discussion on them not having women (or not having enough of them, not sure) in the instruction books to make them more islamic-friendly seems pretty silly to me

 

(And I'm curious now... what on earth is a "dosh"?)

Edited March 19, 2005 by Starlight

[Cerulean]

Having purchased several IKEA pieces over the years I have all but given up trying to follow the instructions and just look at the pictures and put things together in a way that makes sence to me and the end product looks like it is suposed to.

 

Loved this story it made me giggle.

Wren I think you have it sussed. (Are you part Swedish perchance? lol ) I shall definitely try that myself next time. I may not end up with something functional, but it could be a talking point in my house for months!

 

I'm glad you enjoyed reading. Thanks for saying so.

 

Heh, I completely agree, though I do like my ikea bookshelf I put together. Not only does it stand, but it only wobbles a little.

Falcon - I have its twin in my bathroom. Mine is far too wibbly to trust it with books though, so I keep little dishes of pot pourri on it. I can't think of anything lighter and less of a risk!

 

And Lord Starlight - lovely to meet you You get out from behind that shelving unit immediately sir! Because if it's one I've put up it'll probably fall on you!

 

In a few more decades we might even start sending Twister mats with the furniture, adding extra difficulty to the assemblage

After I'd finished screaming with laughter, and then just screaming I thought about it properly. You could invite your friends round, combine Twister with strip poker and all assemble furniture naked in odd positions. Yes I'm weird, I know. *slaps self hard*

 

I agree with you about the pictures in the instruction booklets. Seemed daft to me too. In any case, I for one am not a jot bothered if they show men, women, elk or hamsters assembling the furniture in the pictures, since I know they're only cartoons and they couldn't do it any better than me in reality!

 

(And I'm curious now... what on earth is a "dosh"?)

Dosh = money - sorry, my Brit-slang.

 

Karma for your post, och krama for yourself and Tzim.

 

C.

[WrenWind]

Wren I think you have it sussed. (Are you part Swedish perchance? lol

As a matter of fact I am *chuckles* My great grandmother came to Canada from Sundsval(sp).

[Quincunx]

What we need is a tongue hinge, installed in the center of the mouth, so we can make right angles in our mouths to flip out the 'hw' (who knew that Beowulf would aid me more in foreign lands than four years of Latin?) and point the tongue down the throat quickly so one can say 'å' and the rest of the word in one fluid string of sound.

 

Star does have a philips head screwdriver, but it's part of a computer repair kit and unsuitable for assembling anything larger than a pair of eyeglasses. (Rydia takes the flat-headed screwdriver and the jar of pickled beetroot, applying one to the other in attempts to remove the lid.) Dear. . .haven't we been to parties very similar to naked Twister furniture assembly? I think I remember drunken Invader Zim catapult assembly.

[Starlight]

I do have more than one, love. 3 sizes at least. Just never had occasion to use any of the others around you so far I suppose

And I don't think it was "drunken" so much as "fanatical", but that's just how he is

[Quincunx]

(The lid goes flying off of the jar of beetroot, to be pursued and pounced upon by two lively gray kittens.) Paranoia parties? Like the ones my college roommate used to host when X-Files had its season premiere?

[Cerulean]

What we need is a tongue hinge, installed in the center of the mouth, so we can make right angles in our mouths to flip out the 'hw' (who knew that Beowulf would aid me more in foreign lands than four years of Latin?) and point the tongue down the throat quickly so one can say 'å' and the rest of the word in one fluid string of sound.

I would like both a tongue-hinge and a self-regulating glottal-cat-flap. (Where's Wyvern when you need him? ) For sounds though, not cats. Although a partially digested feline would be more melodic than my clacking, hacking trilling muddle. I'm learning Arabic and Swedish together, oh what a mellifluous beast I birth.

 

*

 

Wren! I knew it! It's in the blood. IKEA GENES! Aldous Huxley is finally vindicated. Brave New World Indeed.

 

*

 

Scarlett contemplates the benefits of having some Swede in her too.

Cerulean contemplates the irony of this having been posted in the Assembly Room.

 

*

Edited March 28, 2005 by Cerulean

[Tralla]

*scratches head*

 

At the risk of being the most unpopular person here...

 

Maybe they send different instructions to Canada, the other friendly secret-superpower in the world, but IKEA instructions have actually been the easiest to follow out of anything we've ever bought. And that was one bizarre coffee table I was putting together. By contrast, the rather simply designed computer desk I bought around the same time required *three people* and several extra hours to put together... *shakes fist at her admittedly attractive computer desk*

 

... or maybe everybody else just ships us their reject manuals. =P

[Cerulean]

Unpopular shmopular! If you can assemble from my dissembling, you're something resembling heroic. I should write a couplet for you!

 

Admiringly, Cerulean.

[Mynx]

Considering part of my job used to involve putting TV cabinets together since the boys at my work were too lazy...I'd be intrigued to try my hand on one of those supposed death traps...