Equester Posted January 1, 2005 Report Share Posted January 1, 2005 Death's Ruse Death knocking at my door Close the window and the shutter "Gone to Lunch," hung with care Hear the reaper curse and mutter Bolt the lock and close the drapes "I'll get you yet!" I hear him say Slowly look beneath the door To see if he has gone away Worn down sandals on my mat Protruding yellow toenails curled A field of corn upon each foot Decrepit creaking could be heard "I know you're in there, stupid boy!" I jump as he begins to shout "I come to all, there's no escape. Even you can't keep me out!" ""No one's here, oh can't you see, Which means I must be somewhere else." I smile in pride at my sharp wit "I have gone to find myself." I hear him growl in frustration A string of curses soon to follow Then all is silent- he's devising something My throat is dry; it's hard to swallow He speaks softly, all too kindly "I understand. I'll bother no more I'll take this chocolate to someone else..." In an instant, I'm out the door. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoaringIcarus Posted January 1, 2005 Report Share Posted January 1, 2005 Greetings. I think this poem has potential, but there's a few mixed messages (some good, some bad) that trip me up. With the "Gone to Lunch" image, I think I know what you're going for, but if you take it on a more literal level, it's tough to paint a clear idea of the narrator. Shop owner? "To see if he has gone away" is somewhat void of energy. I know it fits the rhyme, but it slows me, personally, down. Love the corn-feet! I like the "follow/swallow" of the second to last stanza. Last line: "In an In(stant)..." Try saying that ten times fast. No? It's a little garbled to read/think/say. Maybe something that flows a little smoother, like "Seconds later" something to that effect. -Icarus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetnightmare Posted January 6, 2005 Report Share Posted January 6, 2005 (edited) I like this poem. I like the imagry, i can picture it happening....and at the end, the chocolate to death wins. LOL I think it is very original Edited January 6, 2005 by sweetnightmare Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted January 6, 2005 Report Share Posted January 6, 2005 That was a nice read. Good for a laugh, certainly. Welcome to The Pen, may your humor stay fresh even if your corpse does not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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