Time became a Blue Eye

[Parmenion]

As a prelude - two doves from where I come symbolise a marraige as they used to be released in times gone by at weddings as a symbolism of two joined spirits.

 

I appreciate all comments on this piece and criticisms as it is intended for that someone very special this x-mas and is a token of my love for her...

 

 

1.

 

You looked at me,

And I saw then,

The where to go,

The how and when.

You spoke to me,

And I then saw,

Your love for life,

So strong, so raw.

 

2.

 

You drank with me,

And then I knew,

A kindred spirit,

And your fav'rite brew!

You took from me,

The words of my heart,

I gladly give,

While we're apart.

 

 

 

3.

 

I've watched the suns and moons throughout the days,

And through their eyes time passed us slowly by,

Yet moments streched and lengthened with your gaze,

Then time became an iris and blue eye.

 

4.

 

I've talked to many people far and wide,

And through their words became more than my youth,

Then softly to my ear you did confide,

And all my world became three words of truth.

 

5.

 

I've drank on mountains high and in the glade,

With lives filled with so many points of view,

The inspiration of your heart mine swayed,

The roads of life are better walked as two.

 

6.

 

A Blue Eye, three words and memories good,

Describe to me the want for two doves,

A romance, a trust, to be understood,

Reasons enough for our two loves.

 

 

 

7.

 

I looked at you,

And I now see,

The way to go,

The how to be.

I spoke to you,

And I see now,

Where I must go,

The when and how.

 

8.

 

I drank with you,

Till I was full,

Both in my heart,

And in my skull!

I take from you,

Your words of heart,

That fill me up,

While we're apart.

Edited December 28, 2004 by Parmenion

[Nyyark]

Nice, what an awesome Christmas gift!

 

Hmmm let’s see...

 

Last line of stanza 1:

 

"So strong and raw." to "So strong, so raw." The repetition of "so" would give it a more finished feel, fitting to the end of a stanza.

 

Stanza 2:

 

I love the humor, followed by the sincerity. In order to bring this out more you might consider slightly breaking the meter by changing line 6 from "My words of heart," to "The words of my heart,”

 

Stanza 3:

 

The "and" at the start of the last line conflicts with the second and in the line.

"And time became an iris and blue eye."

If possible remove or replace it to get rid of the awkwardness.

 

 

Stanza 4:

 

Unless you are going for the alien effect that the use of "humans" creates you could replace it with "people". No change of meaning or meter, just connotation.

 

Stanza 5:

I can't think of any changes to make

 

Stanza 6:

"A Blue Eye, three words and memories good,"

No matter what you do keep this line. It is totally awesome! (The rest of the stanza rocks for that matter.) The whole stanza makes a really good climax.

 

Stanza 7 and 8:

Good reuse of the start. The altered conclusion is cool on many different levels, and a great ending.