Alaeha Posted October 14, 2004 Report Share Posted October 14, 2004 Heh, I'm long overdue for a poem, so I'll present this (and hope that I still have some remnant of ability with poetics.) Red and Blue are two different voices, representing two different kinds of people. Red talks more, but mostly because blue doesn't have much to say. ;P I love you, every piece you've shown. How sad. You make me sick, for that. But why? Love conquers nothing. Tone your rubbish down. Truth is, I've sat through all this nonsense far too long. You lie.I don't! Your flaws do not detract or even mar You see? You lie! You see (or saw) a flaw. Imperfect parts detract. I'd love you less without it, so It's not a flaw? Just stop the act. You may be blind, but I still know myself. Stop lying. You're a fool. You've tricked yourself. Go think things through. I'm not a liar, as a rule. So I am? Is your "love" that true? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drummondo Posted October 14, 2004 Report Share Posted October 14, 2004 (edited) I found, once you'd explained the two different voices, that I read it rather like a play. Nice rhyming throughout, and very original presentation. Also, although one doesn't notice when reading the two voices separately as it is so easy to do with the different colours, you maintain a decent rhythm for all the lines. The only line that differed from the rest was line 5, it seems to be missing two syllables. May I recommend "Through all this useless nonsense far...", or words to that effect. There are the obvious schizophrenic connotations; you explained that it was two different kinds of people, but it could still be the same person debating in their own mind. From another perspective, I can also see it as an argument between two lovers. In this respect, it's a very interesting piece, well presented I could do a more detailed breakdown of the bits I liked, and thoughts I had, but basically all you need to know is that I enjoyed reading this piece, it was very poetic in its nature while still maintaining an obvious air of originality. Good job EDIT: My only negative comment would be on the line "You see? You lie! You see (Or saw)", it's too repetitive. While I'm with the negativity, however, I will also point out the repetition of "detract" and "flaw", which I noticed. Only minor quibbles though Edited October 14, 2004 by drummondo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yui-chan Posted October 15, 2004 Report Share Posted October 15, 2004 This is very unique and interesting, Alaeha. I like both the concept of including two disparate voices and the way you managed to make a very contrived rhyme flow through the conversation. It's not what I would call an intuitive scheme or rhythm, but it's clear, nonetheless. I find a lot of parallels between the disagreement and argumentative nature of the words and the rhyming scheme. Both seem to me to portray the act of trying to force someone (or something) into a certain shape. It really adds a depth to the piece that I can appreciate. I'm not even sure whether it's a good thing or bad thing, but I do note that I think the poem requires your explanation or at least the use of two colors as you did. The tone of the two voices, the language and wording they use, doesn't really suggest to me two separate people, so I rely on your enhancements to tell me that. To me, that lends credance to Drummondo's suggestion of schizophrenia or multiple personalities and draws a little bit away from the idea of two entirely separate people talking. (Since most people aren't both optimist and pessimist at the same time, I'd say it also slants the poem away from a discussion between those two types of person.) One thing I wish is that you'd taken it just a little further, though. The conversation, while clearly illustrating the two different viewpoints of the voices, doesn't have any kind of resolution or message to my mind. I feel like it just trails off instead of coming around to either agreement or separation. Perhaps part of that perception is that I don't quite get the logic of the red voice's last statement. ;;; I don't see why blue asserting that it doesn't lie is being taken as an assertion that red does. Soooo... maybe I just don't see the resolution you've given it. Anyway, regardless, I love the direction you've taken with this, and I can really appreciate the fascinating way you've played with the words and form. Congratulations on a unique approach and a thought-provoking poem. Thanks for sharing it with us! Contemplating, ~Yui Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted October 15, 2004 Report Share Posted October 15, 2004 i like it... Don't think I would have ever thought to use colors to seperate the voices... very orginal... I like itallics myself... though rhyming "shown" in line one with "tone" in 3... seems forced... for I feel no natural pause between line 3 and 4... where "tone" in line 3 begins the sentence "[tone]your rubbish down." Something similar occurs in Line six with "your flaws" Yet this time it works because a natural pause occurs between the subject and verb... I wouldn't change anything though, because thats the only thing funny that stuck out to me...and I am not taking the full structure of the poem into consideration... Also, I think the repitition works well enough... adds a dramatic effect, i think... cool. rev... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted October 16, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2004 I have to admit, I'm a little confused, Rev. Check me on this if I'm wrong, but from what I can see, what you're saying is that a rhyme which is not immediately followed by a pause is probably forced? Admittedly, most of this poems is slightly forced, (and it's certainly nothing I'm immensely proud of,) as I'm just starting to work some of the kinks out of my system again... but I wasn't aware of any official decree being put out mandating end-stopped lines. ;P But then, I wasn't aware of any particular pause between nouns and verbs anyway. Or am I just completely misreading your post? Yui (and Drummondo)-- Hmm... Where there any rhymes that seemed particularly contrived? Or were you referring to the fact that typically people don't have conversations (let alone arguments) in quatrains? As for the required explanation, I'd have to say I think it's a bad thing. (That doesn't surprise me, though) And the ending... I suppose I could have extended it further, but I couldn't think of a good way to convey the idea of blue slapping red and running out of the room crying. I hadn't really considered the possibilities of Schizophrenia. I viewed it more as "Blue is incredibly codependent, Red tolerated blue but never had much to do with it because red doesn't want to get caught up in the drama. (and is afraid it might be contagious) But then blue decides that red is the new "Knight in Shining Armor" model of hero/heroine. Assuming that they don't censor themselves, what happens?" Unrealistic and improbable, but it made for an interesting contrast of characters and ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow of the Butterfly Posted October 18, 2004 Report Share Posted October 18, 2004 Oohhh.... very good indeed! I liked how you had two different people here... very well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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