Utopia's Twilight Feedback

[jonathan_wolfe]

I'm open to input on what I have posted in the assembly room, it's undergone a few redos but is still definitely in a first draft kind of mode

 

Gyrfalcon should catch all the silly things like my problem with tenses, but feel free to comment on whatever you find.

 

Level 4 C&C, poke all the holes you want, with the exception of the technology, which is where I am the most unflexible and stubborn as Gyrfalcon has slowly learned

Edited July 18, 2004 by jonathan_wolfe

[jonathan_wolfe]

Just a bump, I would still love feedback on the story.

[Wyvern]

I've enjoyed your story so far, Jonathan, and will be looking forward to any upcoming entries. The amount of thought and effort you put into developing the setting of Thalos is very apparent in the numerous details you've incorporated throughout it, and it makes for an interesting and provocative read. The characters of the story also seem to be developing nicely, with Roley standing out as my clear favorite while Chel and James play the roles of the supportive yet ambivalent associates. Though he's only appeared briefly so far, I also like the character of Brigadine, as both his appearence and his tone vaguely remind me of the character Geobaldi from Johji Manabe's manga "Outlanders."

 

In terms of potential ways to improve the story: there were times where I felt that the plot went by a little too quickly and caused the story to become a bit overwhelming, particularly near the beginning when we're immediatly dropped into the heart of the huge siege and battle against the military fortress. Without having developed any attachment to the protagonists yet and with no notion of what it is they're after, some of the battle scenes lacked in excitement to me. You might want to give us a bit of information on the characters and their bonds before the siege starts, or perhaps note in a brief communications dialogue that their objective is to secure the fuel cells, as these things might increase the suspense and excitement of the battle scenes.

 

Also, on a minor note: I was initially confused by the transition from the codenames of the three main characters (Juggernaut, Redwolfe, and Vermillion) to their real names (Roley, James, and Chel), and thought at first that I had somehow missed a character or two. You might want to strengthen this transition a bit (note: one way to do this might be to offer a bit of information on the characters before the siege starts... two birds with one stone!)

 

A good story so far, Jonathan.

[jonathan_wolfe]

Thanks for the feedback Wyvern, the first part of the story was written quite some time ago and I've always felt it was a bit rough around the edges, you've put some clarity on some of the things I've wanted to fix!

 

I'll post more of the story as time goes on.