On Seeing my Lost Love

[Finnius]

A knock at the door, and then I see,

The face, the eyes, reflecting me.

A smile, a laugh, but not from me,

You've moved on dear, now I see.

 

Inside I hurt, I cry, I wail,

You slap my face, it hurts like hell.

A figurative slap, still hurts like hell,

My heart cries out, my soul it wails.

 

Brief hellos, I say no words,

Into my heart, like shrapnel shards.

Into my soul, like cold glass shards,

The non-involvment, no spoken words.

 

The door closes, and I sink down,

I open a bottle and drink it down,

The bottle falls, just clinking down,

And there I'm left, I think I'm down.

[DL_Snake]

Heartbreak hotel.....

 

*sigh* blue seems to be the mood nowaays *huggles*

[Beautiful Nightmare]

*pouts and hugs* Its a really good poem i love the structure i dont think i have seen it before its really good i like the simplicity of the repeating words i love the poem

[Wyvern]

My reactions to this piece are a bit mixed... I think that the subject matter chosen for the poem is heartfelt and that the repetition used throughout its structure is very well done, but am uncertain if I like the way the two elements compliment each other. The use of repetition and single rhyme scheme seems to give the poem a lighthearted sing-song quality to me, which doesn't reflect the morbid and depressing subject matter of heartbreak. Then again, I think that in the final stanza, the repitition compliments the theme superbly, as the continual reference to "down" really drives across the theme well. I also like the imagery you use throughout the poem, particularly those of the third stanza.

 

Overall, it's a nicely done poem.