lord_nor Posted May 27, 2004 Report Share Posted May 27, 2004 (edited) This is going to be a part of a story I'm working on. I'm still in the initial phases of rounding out the characters, but this is what I have written so far. What do you think? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When darkness reigns, and evil prowls, Seizing minds with intentions foul. When dark the Sun circles overhead, And one and all's lives are filled with dread. A hero will rise to repair all. And make the mighty fall. Edited May 27, 2004 by lord_nor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted May 27, 2004 Report Share Posted May 27, 2004 Sounds intruiging. There are a couple places where the rhythm is a bit rough, on a first read through, but going back over it i could adjust. Will be interesting to see what comes of this. =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted May 28, 2004 Report Share Posted May 28, 2004 Strange... The third line particularly seems rough. It's obvious that you rearranged it in Yoda-speak for the sake of the rhyme. Perhaps "The Sun, dark, circles overhead,"? The repetition of "when" isn't really necessary in this case I think. This is a continuation of the previous thought anyway. And just "the people's lives are filled with dread."? the one and all bit is a really rough read, I think. It has potential, it's just really rough in some spots. That probably just means you need some practice rhyming. Keep at it! It'll get easier to avoid Yoda-speak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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