Cyril Darkcloud Posted April 1, 2004 Report Share Posted April 1, 2004 Appy’s original poem can be found here. Appy this is a piece with some very nice touches and a lot of promise. On the off-chance these remarks might be helpful as you revisit this poem, here are a few things I’ve noted about the piece: 1. The basic structure you choose to work with has much to commend it, and, in fact, really enhances the forward movement of the piece. Specifically your two short sentences which provide a forceful punctuation to the piece are worth noting. These simple declarative sentences stand apart by themselves after each long unit and are effective in their blunt directness. The never and always of these two lines effect a sudden broadening of the reader’s perspective beyond the narrow moments of the scene you portray in the longer passages and grant that portrait the enduring character of a scene that has been and will continue to be repeated – as if that is simply the way things work. The contrast between the words never and always is also nicely done. What is effectively striking about your use of contrast here is that the contrast is on the grammatical level as the fact that consolation never arrives is not very different from the fountain always ready to burst at the poem’s conclusion. 2. Building on these parallels, the ending of the first stanza is mirrored by the beginning of the second. This parallel is built upon the absence of felt warmth and the arrival of cold. Just as with the two short lines, grammatical contrast between warmth and cold is used to highlight the similarity between warmth that is not felt and cold that is felt. This is a beautiful touch. One quibble here: The use of warmfelt has 2 problems. The first being that it is not a word in English and the second that it is used as an adjective. Balancing the strong noun cold with the equally strong and direct noun warmth would be more effective. 3. Of the two large stanzas, the first is far and away the stronger. This is in no small measure due to both the overall coherence of its imagery and the very striking image of choked out sobs muffled by a pillow. You have a number of interesting ideas in the second long stanza but they seem to trip over one another rather express themselves clearly. Here contrast works against you as the reader who has just had the striking portrait of a sobbing person before his eyes now reads words that imply that crying may not be happening at all – want to cry usually does not have the connotation of wanting to continue to cry. The shift from the moisture of tears to an arid dryness is abrupt and seems to be missing a bit of clarity. A quibble over word usage: I found myself stopping at the words desert of apathy and thinking that something better could be used here. You may want to consider doing something with your fountain imagery – a dried well, perhaps – instead of employing desert language here, especially as desert imagery in descriptions like this is very common. 4. The conclusion of the second long stanza, however, has a marvelous image within it. The sudden contrast between shallowness and a fountain bursting upward from the depths is both well-placed and well-conceived. This could be an interesting lens to look through with regard to reworking the piece. Needless to say, I’ve enjoyed both reading this poem and playing with how it’s been put together. Thank you for an enjoyable and stimulating read. I’m looking forward to seeing where you take it. Keep writing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted April 20, 2004 Report Share Posted April 20, 2004 ~ Thank you for taking apart my poem and making me look at it again, I found that I needed to let it sink for a long time, but finally I have a first revision ~ Tears streaming freely and fully Try not to wail The world need not know Pain forcing sound over twisted lips muffled by a pillow pressing it closer hoping it can replace the warmth of a hug It never does Coldness enters Like a desert night Suddenly and quickly nothing is left of the heated Emotional fountain only uneventfull horizons But the ground trembles despite my efforst Another fountain waiting to burst It always does ~ I'm still not happy with the two 'fountain' in the 6th and 10th line of the last stanza, but working on that I'll also work on some constructive comment to reply to some of your contructive comments -Appy out, for now ~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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