Discordia Posted February 15, 2004 Report Share Posted February 15, 2004 Siren .oOo. In that glade the moonlight glows Through those leaves the westwind blows O'er those rocks the wood stream flows There, there she breathes a sigh, There, there I go to die. There I glimpsed a form divine One that made my worn heart pine 'Neath the whispering willows fine There, there she breathes a sigh, There, there I go to die. A voice that hints of blooms in May Eyes that spoke of gentle day Hair that shimmered with each soft sway There, there she breathes a sigh, There, there I go to die. There she beckoned; there I went Body, mind, and heart I sent Down the heather gently bent There, there she breathes a sigh, There, there I go to die. But when I rose, I was alone Lone, totally, wholely lone The star of my eye, forever gone There, there she breathed a sigh, There, there I go to die. Under a bleak, uncaring sky Dark of heart and dim of eye Now, hollow and ready to die There, there she breathed a sigh, There, there I go to die. Down beneath the old stone wall Where the dappled sunlight never falls The others lie that heeded her call There, there she breathed a sigh, There, there I go to die. Searchers, Dreamers all, beneath We that lie in that cold hearth Calm, with the knowledge that comes with Death There, there she breathed a sigh, There, there I went to die. .oOo. - Discordia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sorciere Posted February 15, 2004 Report Share Posted February 15, 2004 Hauntingly painted. The repetition of the two lines at the end of each verse sets it off beautifully. I have a little trouble with verse 5, it doesn't seem to sit in with the rest of the poem. It may be just the way I am reading it and I am really bad at critique so please do not just take my word for anything. On the whole I followed the flow easily and the subject kept me interested until the last verse. Your use of description is wonderful and the images came quickly and easily to me. Congrats! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Discordia Posted February 15, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 15, 2004 Thank you for your kind words. I agree with your opinion on the fifth stanza... it sucks! I'm still fiddling with the words, but nothing even acceptable comes to mind. Perhaps something a bit less ostentatious or sucky would work. Anyways, thanks for the comments and keep them coming! - Discordia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted February 28, 2004 Report Share Posted February 28, 2004 I felt on reading this poem that it had the air of a masterpiece about it. It was beautifully written and the images as Sorciere says spring easily to the mind. The work of a true bard!! I felt the fifth verse was fine and works well with the rest of the poem. The only part that let the poem down was the last verse and with a minor modification I think the idea of the last verse can be kept without dramatic changes. Might I suggest this and you can see if it works for you?: Searchers, Dreamers all, beneath Our bodies lie and press cold heath, Calm, enconced in a self made wreath, There, there she breathed a sigh, There, there I went to die. Heath works well in that your poem generally takes from the simple surrounding to paint a picture. Since heath can mean a type of grassland, it could be construed to the reader in line three on the last verse that the heath forms like a wreath around the bodies. Just a thought and hope it helps. Again, I very much enjoyed reading this poem and hope to see more from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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