smallscale_mind_games Posted January 18, 2004 Report Share Posted January 18, 2004 'dis here poem sort of popped into my head. Woohoo. \m/ \m/ Errrr...it won't let me post... There's a trademark by your name Life's a Parker Brothers game What you ordered never came And everything is just the same I visited a Silver Diner Later bought a suede recliner A plastic toy, gleaming reminder It's beautiful; they're made in China Things are growing, every day Hear what mass producers say They know you well in every way Buy and it'll be OK Spray to protect from mildew; mold Things are valuable once they are old Synthetic gloves when your hands are cold And everything you love is sold Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwaihir Posted January 18, 2004 Report Share Posted January 18, 2004 Stop multiple posting. I know you got an error, so does everyone else, but it posted anyway, so please check before you spam. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallscale_mind_games Posted January 18, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2004 I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to. I hate it when I do that, never think to check, always feel bad afterward. Sorry, Gwaihir. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwaihir Posted January 18, 2004 Report Share Posted January 18, 2004 I was coming back to edit this post, I didn't mean to sound rude, but you're the five thousandth person to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted January 18, 2004 Report Share Posted January 18, 2004 I really liked this poem, smallscale_mind_games, and thought that it drove across the theme of materialism and it's corrosion of emotions very well. I particularly liked the original imagery and metaphors that you used throughout, such as the metaphor for life as a Parker Brothers game and all of the imagery circulating around luxurious items. They made for a very interesting and entertaining read the whole way through. In terms of potential improvements; while I loved the imagery you used in the last stanza as well as the intriguing manner in which you ended the poem, it doesn't read quite as smoothly as the other stanzas to me. The placement of the adjective "valuable" in the second line of the stanza seems to be largely responsible for this, as it seems to break the flow a bit. You might want to rephrase that particular line, as the other lines of the stanza read very smoothly. Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted January 19, 2004 Report Share Posted January 19, 2004 I also enjoyed it, thanks for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts