Damon Inferel Posted January 3, 2004 Report Share Posted January 3, 2004 A decision's despairing, Two loves in one mind. A choice not made lightly, The feelings confined. The emotions and logic Hold their opinion, Though the heart loves another, That love's minion. An impossibility Brought into one's life. Why an additional love? Why bring on this strife? A small matter of the heart, Denial there's none, But the decision is made, there is only one. A repressable feeling, Alternative love. But not entirely ignored, Just a friendly shove. One may love two In the depths of mind, But true love comes so rarely, A difficult find. The one who is deeply loved As of past moments, Will be the only one loved, Past and future tense. Secrets pretold shall remain A harmless ordeal. The true love shared with the first, No other will steal. Declare the heart shall have one Now to forever. Bond between unbroken Through each endeavor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merelas Posted January 3, 2004 Report Share Posted January 3, 2004 First off, I really like this! It's a feeling I think a lot of people are familliar with, and you express it so well! I felt like I could really identify with the author throughout, and it gave me a good feeling when I was done with it! My favorite stanza: An impossibility Brought into one's life. Why an additional love? Why bring on this strife? It's just so familliar. It displays those feelings of self-doubt and even possibly self-disgust with your own heart. In these situations, it's important to remember, "The heart has reasons which reason does not know." I also really, really enjoyed the last line especially. It gave it a very finished feeling, both to the issue at hand and the poem. It was a really well done poem. However, I did notice some places where it seemed you tried to stick to your format, and cut out words, making it a little confusing. A few examples of this: Denial there's none and: In the depths of mind Perhaps in the second example, a "the" in between 'of' and 'mind' would help... or, if you had meant it to be something else, another word would work better. In the first example, I get the feeling that you meant to say "There's no denial," but had to switch it to hold to the rhyme scheme. If that's the case, you could insert a dash between "denial", and "there's", however it still sounds a little bit choppy to me. The only other thing I noticed that could be done to revise it was that the rhyme scheme was a little bit sketchy in this stanza: The one who is deeply loved As of past moments, Will be the only one loved, Past and future tense. You had appeared to be using an ABAB scheme throughout, and in this stanza, you used both the same words for the 'A's, and the rhyme for the 'B's was a little bit off. It's ok to stretch sometimes, and I think this one is probably ok, it's just a personal preference. Reading it again, I still think it's really good! Well done, and I hope to read more of your poetry soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Damon Inferel Posted January 3, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2004 Oops! >< Thank you for pointing out the shortcomings of my poem... i didn't even know i used the same words in that stanza... Perhaps i should have reviewed it a little more, but i was kind of emotional at the time I wrote it... In any case, i do appreciate the insight. I was not exactly going for an ABAB scheme, it just happened in that stanza. I was actually trying for a 7-5-7-5 syllable which made me have to put some really awkward adjustments in it. I noticed it too, but... Well, anyways, thank you for the concise review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merelas Posted January 3, 2004 Report Share Posted January 3, 2004 It was my pleasure. Like I said, I really liked it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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