Falcon2001 Posted December 6, 2003 Report Share Posted December 6, 2003 Every day I'm a little bit colder You're a bigger part of me Every day I'm a little bit older Finding it hard to breathe You say you're the best part of me Somehow I think you lie Just go away, never return Get out of my damned life The biggest part of me The pride and all the anger Please get away from me! Leave! Leave! Every day I'm a little bit sadder Another step to the grave Every day I'm a little bit madder The rage is here to stay My friends are getting worried And truth is, so am I When the story takes over the author Something is quite awry The loudest part of me The rage and oh the anger Go away from me! Leave! Leave! Every day I'm a little bit darker Solitude's embracing me Every day I'm a little bit starker My soul's slipping away I feel life's not worth living Is there a reason to go on? Is the depression just a syndrome Or punishment for a wrong? Every day I'm a little bit lower The night is calling me Every day I'm a little bit slower Entropy, the great disease You say you're the best part of me Cioden, I think you lie My anger, pain and sorrow You're buried deep inside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted December 6, 2003 Report Share Posted December 6, 2003 I liked this poem, Falcon, particularly the manner in which the narrator of the poem is related to his own fictional character, who represents a certain aspect of his own personality. I also really liked the lines "When the story takes over the author/ Something is quite awry," as it's an intriguining concept that compliments the thematic elements of the poem very nicely. In terms of improvements, I think the poem could be made even stronger if perhaps some more concrete imagery were added, as we're given mostly narrations of the narrator's feelings. Perhaps you could fix this by throwing in a few similes of metaphors for the rage he experiences. Anyway, good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mira Posted December 6, 2003 Report Share Posted December 6, 2003 The gradual building up of anger was quite palpable. I like that in a poem. I almost thought there should be a "Now Hulk Really Mad!!! " at the end, but I suppose that would be a little out of place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ebon Posted December 6, 2003 Report Share Posted December 6, 2003 ((In-Character post: Please dismiss any thoughts of this having to do with real-life. It's purely a character reaction.)) Buried deep inside? No... let him out... let him out to play... Just think of how it could be, without feeling that raw strength of rage locked behind the mask of civility. Just think of how much better you'd feel if you didn't have to hold him back, if you didn't have to waste that energy on control. Let him out, Falcon. Let him express the parts that you don't want to face, and you'll see what fun there is in callousness and rage. Give him control of the words. Give him his own turn at the quill... Come out, Cioden. I dare you. What are you afraid of? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vlad Posted December 7, 2003 Report Share Posted December 7, 2003 I LOVE the parallel rhyming at the beginging of every paragraph. Very cool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yuki Kokoro Posted December 7, 2003 Report Share Posted December 7, 2003 I agree with Wyvern about, "When the story takes over the author/ Something is quite awry", that would have to be my favorite line. It's also very true. I could really feel Cioden struggling underneath the surface of this poem: "Solitude's embracing me" "My soul's slipping away" "Entropy, the great disease". But the other side is fighting too: "Somehow I think you lie" "My friends are getting worried/ And truth is, so am I" "Something is quite awry". As to the questions in the 5th stanza, I don't think depression is ever a "punishment for a wrong" and I very much hope you find some reasons to go on, reasons are out there. Very interesting poem with the sense of both sides being represented through one narrator. I like it a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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