Thinas Posted November 9, 2003 Report Share Posted November 9, 2003 This is an angst poem I wrote during the night from thursday to friday. I was sleeping over at a friend's house, and the words came to me just after I'd crashed on his bed. I got up and typed it into his computer. I normally try to refrain from writing angst, because the genre is so popular already that it's difficult to produce something that sticks out, so if you feel it's just another addition to the masses...you're likely right. As always, I welcome constructive criticism with open arms. Kingdom for Serenity It’s the story of my life From womb to now, isn’t it nice? It’s the story of diplomacy and its glorious ways It feels good, it feels right, but I assure you, right back it pays I fled conflict from day one Said lots concerning others, about me none To people when needed, I’ve brought reflection But they’ve always missed my impenetrable shell of protection A gifted few noticed, felt They know it’s there, brief scent smelt Deep, a maze of emotion and thought. To me, it’s a pit I wish someone would know, figure it out, understand my shit But that person doesn’t exist The door has too many locks, I cowardly persist I need to be destroyed. Thoroughly. Screwed up really well So I can rise from the ashes anew, Bird Phoenix, and seek out my L Fake symbols of power Sheep in Wolf’s clothing, tremble and cower Some day, I’ll show what I stand for, reveal my mind Unravel its mysteries, burn the curtain. Truth. Dignity. Wonders to find. Until then, I’m just that man Whose back carries you when you can’t stand Be careful though, I’m built on pillars of rotting wood It’s dark. But it’s there…Painted on my face, in the shadows of the hood I want to break down in rage! No diplomacy, no mercy, sick of being the sage! You have no real idea what I’ve witnessed, what I’ve seen All I can tell you is avoid it. Show yourself. It sucks to be the man in between Jesus. The system tray says 4:09am, and look what I’ve written. I want you to search. The meaning is there, but as always, it’s hidden. My Kingdom for Serenity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwaihir Posted November 9, 2003 Report Share Posted November 9, 2003 This is better than you gave us to think it was . I think that in the first couple stanzas you're shifting word order for the rhyme and it shows, but otherwise I'd say rhyme supports your poem nicely. I like the circling back that you achieve by your references to diplomacy and politeness at the beginning and end. Btw, wonderful title. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Illianna Wolfsong Posted November 9, 2003 Report Share Posted November 9, 2003 Thinas, very nicely done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thinas Posted November 9, 2003 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2003 Thank you, both of you. I'm not sure I know what Gwai means by shifting word order for rhyme, though...Each line was made in an attempt to rhyme with the next. I looked it over to see if I made a bobo and switched somewhere so one line rhymed with the second next or something, but I couldn't find that anywhere, so that makes me curious. Thanks for the comments, Thinas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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