RandomTarget#22

To be pefrectly honest and perfectly objective. Through two quick reads (in other words, take what I say lightly), I felt that there were some sections in which you REALLY knew what you wanted to say, how you wanted to say it and how you wanted it to effect people, and some where you didn't quite know. It seems that many sections are just there to set up other sections. The parts you were leading up to, were excellent, and the rest was very good too. However, on the less conhesive sections, you seemed to be struggling with both what to say and how to say it, and your prose ended up sloppy because of it. Figure out a way to make every paragraph, every line mean something, and you'll really have something. Of course, also being a first draft, I'm sure alot of details will be filled in as they're written later in the story. All in all, excellent.

That poem was just the result of me spilling my brains the morning after, while she was still asleep. Not really meant for an audience, but rather for internal catharsis. I don't know what made me post it here, maybe I just wanted to see what responce it would get. Anyway.. thanks for your thoughts. I agree it's not the greatest poem, but it seemed to convey what I felt at the time quite well.

Thanks Wyv, it was originally written for a creative writing exam, which is why it's so short.

Remember those times, before we were through, I said, “We feel so good because the love is true.” That it was an expression of me loving you. A simple expression, but one pure and true. Whenever I gave all of my love to you, You gave it back, full, pure and true. And we were joyful, just us two. It was an expression of me loving you. Sometimes the pressure would rip us apart, But even then, we would not lose this art. You still gave it back to me, full and true. We were still joyful, just us two, It was still an expression of me loving you. When we were finished, for a few days, You came back to me, alone in a daze. Again I gave all of my love to you, And you gave it back, full pure and true. For a while we were joyful, just us two, Even after all that, the love was still true. It was still an expression of me loving you. Then I was gone, to the east I flew. We learned a lot, both me and you. We both decided that our love was true, So when I came back, I got to see you. And you kissed me, and I kissed you. After being apart, our love still felt true. But we decided I must wait for you. We should hold off ‘till our friendship is true. It really seemed like the best thing to do. So I wrote down expressions of me loving you; Even on paper, they were still true. We traveled together, to the place we go to, Just to be friends, pure and true. Although we had love, I knew what to do: To be the best friend in the whole world to you, And in that regard, my intentions were true, I wouldn’t even sleep close to you. But then it seemed like you wanted me to, And it truly was something I wanted to do. I saw no harm when our love was still true; So after some time I agreed with you, And we made a bed, just for us two. We felt good because our love felt true. Then you asked me to give my love to you. You said, “What’s the harm when our love is still true?” Though we were friends, we were still me and you, And so I did not know what I should do. To convince me you said, “It might as well be you.” I might as well be with a love that’s still true. After that, I knew what I wanted to do. I could not risk you being with someone untrue, My mind would turn black and my heart would turn blue, So I gave you my love, full, pure and true. It was an expression of me loving you. And then something happened which ripped us apart. It soiled my thoughts and it bloodied my heart. The love went just one way, from me to you. It left me wanting our love to be true I wanted some love given to me, from you. But I still thought that our love was true; So I gave you more love, from me to you. I was still hoping that you would come through. I thought you would not want my heart to turn blue. I still felt down deep that we were still true. I was wrong, we were not true. I saw no love to me from you. By the end of the night, my heart had turned blue. All my love was gone, it was given to you, And I had nothing to help get me through, Except for this book to write my thoughts of you, To the beasts of my mind, it is a zoo. I know it’s not something that you meant to do; To pick up my heart, and to rip it in two; To drink from my soul and replace it with goo; To destroy the expression of me loving you; To make our great love into something untrue. So we’ll still be friends, me and you. Maybe some day our love will be true. And we will be joyful, just us two. But, for now, my heart is still blue, Because of the love gone from me to you. I know at some point, that I will get through, To again fill with visions of me loving you, And again begin writing them down in my zoo. But until then, my heart will be blue; Wishing that our love had been true.

This was written a few years ago, and my command of the language wasn't great then. Despite that however, it's still an interesting short short story, if a little dark. I hope it makes you all think. I woke up coated in sweat, yelling the phrase “Why did she scream?” over and over in my small room. My outcry quickly brought the attention a nearby doctor, who soon stood peering into my room through the little window on its heavy door. I was sick and tired of receiving these dreams every night, but still the always seemed completely real in almost every way. They weren’t like dreams at all, more like visions – or directives. Closing my eyes, I tried as I do most mornings to remember the content of the nightmare as completely as possible. The dream begun with me staring at two twin signs hanging upon a plain white wall. The top sign read “Carpe Diem - Seize the Day,” while the sign hanging directly below read “Respect ALL fellow men.” Confused as I was by the signs, I turned to my left and begun to make my way down a long hallway. At the end of the hallway I came into a fog-filled cubic room which resembled a schoolyard playground, and at the far end of the room I could barely make out a swing set through the haze. Cautiously, I walked across the room to get a better look, and what I saw was to say the least disturbing. The first group I could clearly see was that of the parents gathered around the swing set. All of them were deformed in at least one way, with many of them missing whole limbs. About half of the parents stood frantically heaving their children higher and higher on the swings. I begun to move closer to get a better look at the children, but as I was taking my first step the fog was suddenly blown from the room by a huge gust of wind coming from one of the walls. My jaw dropped as I saw the scene for the first time in shocking clarity. The children flying back and forth on the seven twin swings were all missing one or both of their legs, although their little arms were clearly visible holding onto the chains of the swings. The children were also all vastly overweight and had dumb looks of pure exuberance painted upon their drooling faces. Suddenly, just as I had finished surveying the scene, all seven obese children begun dramatically losing weight as their disabled parents cried out in glee for what they obviously assumed was a miracle. However, their happiness was short lived. The cries of joy turned into screams of terror and pain as the children – still swinging away joyously unaware of what was happening to them – kept shrinking until nothing was left but a collapsing skeleton. Upon hearing the cascade of bones hitting the dry gravel, I was suddenly transported to an overcrowded open market filled with relatively normal looking people. Out of the busy crowd, a young woman walked unsteadily. The woman was short and thin, and she had a pale, sickly look to her skin. Within the dream world, I acted instantly without thinking. I followed the short woman until she was alone, grabbed her, and hauled her off kicking and trying to scream through her gagged mouth. Back at my house, which was out in the country with no neighbours in a one kilometre radius, I examined my subject for days. The tasks I presented her with encompassed both mental and physical challenges. Speaking of challenges, I spent most of my time just trying to make her cooperate. Finally, I learned to let my subject’s survival instinct take over as I offered small drinks of water in exchange for correct behaviour. Unfortunately, the woman failed most of my tasks badly and I knew I was forced to kill her. As I took the knife to the sickly woman’s throat, I couldn’t believe what a fuss she was making. I kept yelling at her, “This is for the good of your own people! You shouldn’t be screaming!” I guess that was when I woke up. Coming out of my concentration, I saw the doctor was standing inside my room and directly in front of me. This wasn’t too unusual. I hadn’t been violent in this facility, so the doctors often came in if I was unresponsive. I watched the doctor begin to slowly remove a syringe from his pocket – likely a sedative – when I realised that I was still screaming in confusion about the woman in my dream. At the sight of my calming down, the doctor slid the syringe back into his pocket and instead asked if I was ok. I sighed deeply and replied, “Sometimes it isn’t easy being the one picked too compensate for humanity preventing their own natural selection.” The doctor seemed happy enough with my calm response and turned to leave; but when he did, the syringe had been removed from his pocket. I had failed in my task. I was trapped here instead of being able to complete my mission. At that instant I realised a failure. I was just as bad as they were. “Natural selection is dead!” I cried suddenly out of pain, “Humanity is dead!” I took the syringe, carefully lined it up with my left eye, and as the doctor ran back into my room, I dove head first into the padded wall. The needle went straight through my eye and into my brain. I was dead. I had expected either bliss for trying my hardest at my mission or hell for failing, but all that exists is this blackness. This torturous blackness! Now I know why she screamed.