madhatter

I liked this one

I'd also like to welcome to the Pen and I hope that you have a pleasant stay

I'm loving how you've already submitted so many works.. definitely keep it up

 

The only thing I have to say to help you would be that I think the title is a little too weak for such a passionate and powerful poem. Also, what meter/rhyme are you using, or are you going for a sort-of freestyle?

Thanks so much Ayshela And its great to be back!

Mazrim/madhatter
Period 4

Bio test is long and tiring
Voices drone on and boring
End of sighing

Pencils scratch on faded pen ink
Students continue smelling stink
Dissect in sink

Chemicals in big beakers boil
Test and examine substance in foil
Drops of some oil

Bio test is long and tiring
Voices drone on and boring
End of sighing

*Was absent, did not get worksheet
Was not in purple tray

OOC: As assignment in English class for trochaic rhyme. Sigh, I know its bad enough I'm posting up an assignment but whats worse is that I slacked off and wrote it in literally 15 minutes during my biology class . Hence the bio theme. *cringes- so I'm not quite sure how good my trochaic rhyme is, its a little hard under the time constraints* Oh and the bottom * was scrawled in messy handwriting - a note to my teacher
But I still look forward to comments. And please if you can spot if my trochaic was messed up, please let me know, and if its fine, let me know too

Oh and I forgot to make a subtitle that I'm buying off my Weenie status...

Great job! I especially loved the structure and the blue font, which definitely made the piece.

my haiku for you

is special in many ways

i heart you long time

 

OOC:

I wrote this a couple of days ago for a friend. It's a little silly, and I came up with it spontaneously. But if I were to look back on it now, this is how I would analyze it. The syllables are correct. The grammar is lacking, but if anything it might put more of an emphasis on an unconventional poem. The heart you long time, is a sortof reference/allusion to Full Metal Jacket where the ahem... prostitute says to one of the American soldiers "I love you long time, or something of the sort."

 

Wow, it actually took me longer to analyze it then to write it. But thanks for your time, I just thought it has been too long since I last posted.

Hehe thank you Tanny for the war welcome and the encouragment. Yes, for the final stanza I was hoping to create a feeling of that frustrated and depleted poet. I'm glad it came out.

[b]Spiral of Descent[/b]

Round, round, round
          Rotating, twirling, spinning, 
      No gravity, not a pound
                 Not a reason to be grinning

       And yet he was
  Broad smile, ear to ear,
Was this just madness,
      or a man beyond his years

Engulfed by a pain
   Still the smile will remain

                He had lost his love
                It had flown far away
                Like the white dove
                How could it stay

   Once bliss reigned
   Now pain plagued
   
Yet remembrance lifts
Conquering the painful rifts
The smile continues

         It is better to have loved even small
         Than to have never loved at all

OOC: A pretty fast work for my standards. Hoping to receive some criticism. Thanks.

A very unique poem. I enjoyed the read. Too bad I my day dreams are never too fasntastic.

The old typewriter keys clang

Ruffled paper shifted through

Let alone ending with a bang

Poet must finish before date due

 

Mistakes of grammar and spelling

were spaced and commonplace

Reminiscent of coarse yelling

The words were rude and crude

 

The paper was done

The poet had won

But at what cost

His skill was lost

 

OOC: My first poem written in a long while. Since my last contribution to The Pen in fact. Er, it's a little rusty, so I'm very open to criticisms. In reality, the poem really did only take me 5 minutes, and the premise of the poem was based on the time it took me. Thanks in advance.

Hehe thanks again to everyone for their postive comments.

 

 

And I'll try to work on my writing.

Thanks

 

And the suggestion is greatly appreciated.

Doh, sorry about that.

Er, if someone could just delete the other one... .

 

Sorry again. I got the mail error so I thought it didn't post...

Mail Error!

 

SMTP protocol failure!

Host: localhost

Return Code: 501

Return Msg: 501 RCPT must have an address operand

Invision Power Board Error:

Check your SMTP settings from the admin control panel

My first attempt at writing a poem.

You guys are an inspiration .

 

I look forward to some constructive criticism.

 

 

Paranoid

 

 

Their eyes' shift

Hearts pound

Paranoia's gift

But nothing's found

 

Running away

Far too far

where death lay

Among a star

 

Friends are gone

Love is lost

Pain has won

Hiding is a must

 

It is done

far too fast

With a gun

It didn't last