The Gift of Fear

[Orlan]

Shaping up very nicely. Sort of an Oliver meets Matrix sort of thing....though Kaolin is not really Neo and you're lacking big musical numbers. Though music probably wouldn't work and if Kaolin says "I know Kung Fu" I'm outta here.

 

Couple things I copied and pasted as I was reading:

 

“Are you a boy or a girl?” he demanded scornfully. The child stared sullenly at the floor, pressing its lips resolutely shut

I'm an avid believe of it being for things non-human. You might want to swap that to thier instead.

 

The moment he was out of sight, they erupted into action, scurrying for the nearest exit as quickly and as inconspicuously as they could

Don't think you need the bolded "as".

 

Late one night, after Zee had been there about a week, something inexplicably roused her from her tired dreams.

"Tired Dreams" seems a little akward. Though honestly I can't think of anything you can put in there right now lol. Sorry about that.

 

The screams brought most of the Guardians running, and Rhib was promptly tossed into iso.

That looks like it got cut off....but that migh be the short term for it, if it is you might want to toss it in quotes. I just have the urge to open Nero and burn a CD when I see iso

 

had not. Eventually Haeli turned her public attentions to other unfortunates, but her eyes were always on their quartet,

Which are the quartet? IS it Loki, Zee, Kao and Javick? Whatabout Khaelin....er however you spell it. Might want to toss some names in.

 

 

Yay, that was about it.

 

Great story, good characters, I'd say drop a little more description, you did WONDERFULLY with the High Mistress Mage lady, that is good description. In the begining I had everyone pegged for seven or eight years of age, so if you add any descriptions might want to drop some there so people know sooner that Eli is 17 and such.

 

Good job on Zee's accent, but you might want to keep an eye on it. I can't do accents because I ALWAYS forget about it. I think Zee's slipped from time to time....thogh maybe that was someone else talking. Anyway, maybe just keep that at the back of your head.

 

Good work, Good job, Make more.