Cyril Darkcloud Posted March 17, 2003 Report Share Posted March 17, 2003 Those who would like to see WrenWind's writing process with this poem can do so here. WrenWind, this piece has a lot of promise. It has a clear movement about it, a nicely understated structure which blends well with the theme – evocative perhaps of the way consistent falsehood has a subtle but powerful way of negatively shaping life. The regular repetition of the word lies is a fine element of the structure of the piece, especially as it is such a strong word. The strength of the word lies also underscores the weakness of a number of the other words in the piece. In some places this contrast can be a real asset. It seems to be a liability in the center of the poem, however. The first stanza is very strong in its definite assertions and the first line of the third stanza is likewise strong. The middle stanza however lacks the strength to stand in a hinge position between the others. Part of the reason for this seems to be the expression on the other hand which takes the strength away from the word love which might be more effective on its own, perhaps even in interrogative form: Love? No. Not the love you feel for me. The last line of this stanza also seems weak – perhaps stating this idea by naming the specific shape of love that is not shared would be more effective. Perhaps an extra line or two could pick up and illustrate the idea of a love that is spoken but not meant from the first stanza. Returning to the strength of the word lies it may be worth playing with the use of punctuation in this piece. The use of periods to force the reader to pause can possibly accentuate this strength – as it is the lack of punctuation encourages the reader to move quickly over the words and thus lose their force. There a few interesting possibilities of using punctuation to shape the piece, for example: Lies. All lies. Every day I say I love you. Lies. It’s not that I don’t care. I do. I like the changes you made to the third stanza, but the new ending seems weaker without the double use of lies. You might want to consider looking at finding a way to vary the repeated doublets of lies that run through the piece here at the end, especially as the reader will expect it by this point. Another possibility would be to find a way to capitalize on not fulfilling that expectation by taking another look at the concluding movement of the piece. Needless to say, I think this is on the way to becoming a fine piece of poetry and I’m looking forward to seeing where you take it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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