Condemnation

[Orlan]

Techno Fantasy, someplace I refuse to dwele myself....for my Tencho lacks

 

It makes a good read though.

 

Anyway, I enjoyed it, it had alot of what the begining of a story should have, intrigue, foreshadowing, random killings and a clock that needs to be beat. That's how you get readers to come back for more, never solve every problem.

 

Well, we know I like it, so I'll go through some things you could take into concideration, take no offense at this, I in no way insult your ability or style or hairdo, I'm mearly here to suggest, not to be thought of as the final law.

 

First off, don't worry about the *****. BBSs fail to take into account tabs and auto centering like things like Word do. They work as they are

 

It had come. The dreaded thought pervaded the city, until even those few with no psychic sense at all could feel it.

You might want to put the "It had come" on it's own line, you do that with another part later and it adds to dramatic effect/affect [whichever one is right].

 

The panic emanating from the crowd overwhelmed her, driving her to her knees as visions of terror flooded over her. The world grew black as they began.

Began what? Maybe want to add in, are they coming at her, go away from her, screaming, doing the Liechtensteiner Polka?

 

And now we get to your parts with the flashes. I love parts like this, I use them alot too, they're great for getting the idea of action through people. Plus I always have a Movie of my stories going through my mind when I write and read so I like shiny fast parts.

 

You might want to expand on the parts just a bit, they're good enough to know that they're flashing by quickly, but you might want to add in colors, shapes and other modifiers. If she's having these images then who's to say she's not being able to drink in all of the aspects of it instantly. Plus there's always the show vs tell. Also, maybe you want to add another vision or two....but that's really an afterthought.

 

A bullet flew through the air, jerking her to the present

Maybe she gets winged by it and THAT snaps her out of her mental triad.

 

So saying, he took another man’s sword and thrust it at her heart as her vision blurred and the Mask leaped up into view in her mind.

It's a little awkward. Too many things are happening at the same time for one sentance. Maybe something like "So saying, he took up another's sword and thrust it at her heart. Her vision blurred and the vision of the Mask filled her mind." Er something. I'm sure you can get something better.

 

She reached out with her rapier, taking the man in the throat. With a savage twist of her wrist, she decapitated the man, and turned to see the semi-circle of townsfolk that had come to kill her. Her eyes flashed, and they turned, panic-stricken, and fled.

::Shudder:: Anywho, as far as I know, Rapiers are stabby stabbys not slicey slicey, and as greusome as it is to get your head popped off by a dull sword ::shudder again:: Maybe decapitation is not the path with a rapier....ugh painful. But then again I was never much with rapiers....my landlord fences maybe I should ask him. The other thing is the last sentance "they turned" sounds like it's refering to her eyes.

 

 

That's about it....the only thing I can think of is to describe the Mask a little more, I was having trouble getting a clear picture of it in the end.

 

I like the rest of it though, good stuff, give more.