Cyril Darkcloud Posted January 27, 2003 Report Share Posted January 27, 2003 (edited) Yui's story can be found here. Yui, this is one of the most powerful pieces of writing I have read on this board. It is stunning, striking and evocative all at once. If I make bold enough to offer a few thoughts on it, please receive them in light of the previous statement which is my overall reaction to this piece. 1. You begin with a strong statement of regret that I found myself hoping would be explicated and followed up a bit more deeply. I wanted to see this regret manifested more concretely in the subsequent paragraphs. 2. The use of the second person form of address usually turns me off as it often marks weak writing. In this case I was pleasantly surprised that it did not. Still, this section could be strengthened a bit. For example, what if I as reader do not feel ‘compelled’ to listen? A strengthening of the hooks in the first paragraph could easily overcome this. Again, however, the use of 2nd person in a narrative is not a simple thing and you have done this remarkably well. 3. At times, whether you realize it or not, your work is quite evocative of a number of biblical passages – particularly elements of Job, Jeremiah and Wisdom which speak of similar themes. On a purely literary level as these are also some of the most lyrically beautiful sections of the bible, it might be worth exploring the points of contact. There is a similarity in the visceral lyricism in both your work and the aforementioned parts of scripture that is striking and that, for me, added an additional depth to your words. 4. The reference to the death of the mother during childbirth [if I read you correctly here] is quite well done. The understatement is powerful. 5. The one real weak point of the story is with its final paragraphs which simply do not have the strength of those that precede them. Here you need to do more than simply be a reporter. As a reader I found myself wanting to make a connection with the experience of the narrator and being frustrated by only getting a description of events. The regret mentioned at the beginning of the story should be manifested here. Let your reader know and share the grief. The stronger these last paragraphs can be, the stronger the ending of the story. 6. What is this fate which operates so strongly and strangely in the world of flesh and blood? Again, I must thank you for a thoroughly enjoyable read. Indeed, I’ve read it over several times and enjoyed it each time through. Well done, Yui, and I hope to see more of your stuff in the near future. Edited February 14, 2003 by Cyril Darkcloud Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyril Darkcloud Posted January 27, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2003 OOPs. Meant to put this in the Critics Corner. Could one of the elders please reloctae it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gyrfalcon Posted January 27, 2003 Report Share Posted January 27, 2003 Done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yui-chan Posted February 3, 2003 Report Share Posted February 3, 2003 Cyril, Thank you for the compliments and feedback. I definitely agree with what you've said about the weaknesses. The body and ending really got too thin. That's why I seldom post up spur-of-the-moment works. I'm all about multiple revisions. Thanks for taking the time to read. ~Yui Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyril Darkcloud Posted February 13, 2003 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2003 Yui, the revised piece is even stronger than the original. Your characterizations of both the narrator and the audience are striking, effective skillfully rendered. A particularly nice touch is the way you echo the detail of the chores of the villagers in your description of how they gather and how they leave the place where the story is told. I think I see what you mean when you mention feeling that somehow you've blunted a couple aspects of the tale , however. You might want to take another look at the way you wrote the dialogue for Fate in the middle of the piece. By introducing this new element you changed the center of gravity of the story, effectively locating it here. Unfortunately this is just not strong enough to bear the weight of the very well-written elements it needs to support. Fate's voice is surprisingly weak and that weakness affects the other elements of the piece. What Fate says for herself is not as strong as what the narrator says about her. You've created a sort of mythic ambient in the narration and one of the great hallmarks of mythic storytelling is that the speech of the divine powers, whether they be the gods or the fates or something else, is always a thing of great impact and force. It is also often speech which says much with few words -- consider using gestures and describing the reactions of the villagers to what they see in the storyteller's eyes or face. For what it's worth -- Book I of the Iliad might be an interesting place to look for a model of how to handle such a scene. Thank you once again for sharing a truly fine piece of writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yui-chan Posted February 13, 2003 Report Share Posted February 13, 2003 Cyril, Ahhh... perfect. That's precisely the part that I was wondering about. I liked having the weight of realization sitting at the end of the story better than having it in the middle. Revision three is going to nix that dialogue altogether, I think. Great suggestions, as always. I really appreciate your analyzations! Sincerely, ~Yui-chan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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