Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Nyyark Quill Bearer Posts: 282 (12/29/02 2:34:19 pm) Reply WW/Hate/Brute3 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------By GriZzmo---------------------- (moved in adherance to the rules) The structure may leave a little bit to be desired but you're definatly on to something. I think most people can relate to those feelings at some point in their life. If you wanted to improve to flow a little you could try making the end of the 2nd and 4th lines rhyme. Maybe insert a paragraph with similiar structure to the 3rd one in between the 1st and 2nd. Would kinda make it look like song lyrics then, and good ones at that. "I hate you for the lies you told [] I hate you for the secrets [that] you kept I hate you for the ease [with which this pain inside my soul you left] Yet, I love you I love you." (A bit brute force rhyming but meh, it's late.) "I hate you for giving up on us I hate you for the poisons you [have] spewed I hate you for betraying my trust, my heart, [the things I gave to you] Yet, I love you I love you." Just my $0.02 I don't know what I'm saying but I do know I say things that you don't understand. If you do understand what I am saying then you are wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Nyyark Quill Bearer Posts: 283 (12/29/02 3:00:07 pm) Reply =) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think you should try your hand more often at poetry Brute, for what you've written isn't bad at all. GriZzmo gave some great critism. the added [that] and extention of "you've" to "you [have]" really help the flow by giving the line an even number of syllables while keeping the meaning the same. A rhyme would indeed go well on the 2nd and 4th, as it helps the feeling of balance to the words. "apathy" and "story" in the 4th stanza already rhyme so you have that much done. I really like the motif "Yet, I love you/I love you" when reading you poem/song to myself I stopped because it sounded like a rhyme. It flowed well, but I first I couldn't see where from. I later realised it was the "I hate you" structure that you used. "I love you" is that with the end sorta broken off, and it works really well, so if you decide to rework this piece try to not change the I hate you. a few typos (I think): [line 10] "for one other" -- "for another" [line 13] "My world built around you" -- "My world was built around you"(note: the lack of was adds strength to the statment, but it sounds a little ackward) [line 14] "a working-class" -- "A working-class man" [line 15] "it will be world built"-- "it will be a world built" [line 20] "your disdian to me" -- "your disdain for me" Good job! I really like it, and I look forward to see what you do with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Brute3 Page Posts: 53 (12/31/02 7:40:39 pm) Reply Re: WW/Hate/Brute3 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for the remarks. As I said before, poetry is certainly not my strong point, and to be honest, I have little desire in it. I only wrote this in an attempt to ...vent, I suppose. The rough draft served that purpose well, and despite the encouraging words and helpful remarks, I will not re-work it or attempt to change it for the better. Until some other unforeseen, life-altering event happens to me, I'll stick to the occasional story. Except in this rare case, my emotions are never strong enough to elicit a poem. Again, my thanks goes out to those who replied to my outburst. Brute O Drunken One Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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