Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 556 (3/25/02 8:00:28 pm) Reply "The Final Episode" by Balladore -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This thread has made a very interesting read thus far, and I'm eagerly awaiting the continuation. It has, once again, the essential elements that I believe fuel any good story: lots of good characterization and drama. There are two ways you incorporated characterization that I really liked, one being the incorporation of roles of the fellow Pen members and the other being the characterization of the Serpent's Nest (cocky voices and all ). I think that you've done a very respectable job of acting out those fellow Pen members you've decided to incorporate... I can really envision Wyv getting into one such a mess, and coming up with a scheme along those lines. I also like how rather then simply labeling the Serpent's Nest "that band of mercenaries", you came up with a name, character, and even vocal tone for each of the different mercenaries in the group. Another thing I find of interest is the current developement of the plot... I love the way you have Gyr owning an inn in this, I really didn't see that coming! The Sephinroth and the legend of the Dark Lord Maurlant are also quite intriguing, and I look forward to learning more about it, though admittedly not as much as I look forward to learning if Avery really does have a touch of eleven in him. On a final side note, I read through this entire thread in one read (I usually read in intervals) and it went like a breeze. The only part that seemed to drag a bit for me was the battle scene with the mercenaries vs. the endless zombie warriors, but then it's always good to include a few skirmishes here and there. Good stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Orlan Elder of Bards Posts: 97 (4/1/02 8:00:26 pm) Reply Re: "The Final Episode" by Balladore -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Overall good. First thing, you have problems with adjectives. Sometimes you make an adjective out of something that shouldn't be one, sometimes you use an adjective as a begining of a sentance, one that dosen't work as one, and sometimes you over-over use adjectives. Try NOT putting adjectives in everywhere you think you can. Then read it to yourself and see how it seems to you. That should help. You also have the intersections (I forget the real name but the parts where you enclose something in commas that you can easily take out of a sentance and keep it meaning the same thing....hey I can build you a computer from a couple transistors and some chewing gum, but damned if I know words for english ) placed in the wrong parts of sentances, throwing off the flow. Secondly, Run-On sentances! You have a little problem with overusing them. But you don't want to just cut up everything, since that leads to choppy writing. You need to find a happy medium in between the two. If your sentance has more then 2 commas, check to see if you can make it flow better if you rewrite it. (Example : Yours "As they rode towards Xavier, which was a two-day ride from Sellonide, where their office was located, Avery kept firing behind them repeatedly, taking out the Sephinroth one by one, and as the others were giving chase, the Sephinroth Captain was unable to raise the others." Try a rewrite like this: "Avery stayed rear guard for the entire two-day trip to Xavier. He fell rider after rider with his bow, wearing down thier numbers. As long as they kept moving, the Sephinroth Captain would be unable to raise his men and keep pace." That's just an example mind you ) Those are the main things I noticed. There's some little things but no one need fuss about everything. You live longer if you don't fuss Good story, good accent actually. Reminds me of a little lady I used to MUD with who used an amazing accent that she typed faster then most people could type normally. She was always a hoot and a holler. Anyhoo...keep it going Good times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 gwaihir1 Elder of Lists and Poetry Posts: 166 (4/2/02 5:01:10 am) Reply Re: "The Final Episode" by Balladore -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (I want a computer from transistors and gum! ---------- I want to be page 93 of Pineapples, the Avian Crows-Nyyark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Orlan Elder of Bards Posts: 98 (4/2/02 8:56:04 am) Reply Re: "The Final Episode" by Balladore -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm surrounded by demanding people Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Adelaide Erindale Visitor Posts: 10 (5/6/02 12:21:12 am) Reply Re: "The Final Episode" by Balladore -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey, it's a very good story, in my opinion, but there are a few things you could do to make it better (though I'm no one to be critiquing anything, there are a few things I noticed) Like Orlan said, you overuse adjectives and run-on sentences. Also, I think you go into naming things too much... for example, the towns; Xavier and Selonide and Pacalania... I get confused if you put names to too much . On the other hand, in moderation, describing and naming things is very good. It paints a clear picture in the reader's mind... just don't over do it and end up with a puddle of paint . Finally, your battle scenes are very good... I mean, you don't describe them too much, and you don't get too graphic but enough to know what's going on. You don't just say "They fought for hours until one team won". Keep up the good work . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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