Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 peredhil31 An Ancient Polite Bard Posts: 857 (2/2/02 1:25:28 pm) Reply ezSupporter Nyyark's latest three -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shattered Night - Banquet Room. Nice Imagery. Good reminder when one is feeling as withered and creatively sapless as a winter leaf. She opened at Three Good twist ending. Possible meter changes: 2nd line, remove 'they'? Perhaps a period after the 2nd 'come in' in line 4 to mark the end of a stanza, or after 'they say' in line 3 to match the period in line 7. 5th line - reads like the door made the passage... I know you intended for the protagonist. To fit the twisted syntax, perhaps "So I in through the door..."? line 13, suggest "What'll" instead of "What". Line 14 - Uual? perhaps 'Usual'? would parallel the 2nd usage in the same line. Line 16 - Agian == again... Line 18 - rubed should perhaps be 'rubbed'. line 19 - Capitalize 'trim' for consistency? All in all well done - just some nitpicky grammar and spelling... Song: Call of Desolation Line 4 and throughout - Quite Lake. did you mean Quiet by any chance? The eerie peace of a non-emotional robotic mind living a half-life implied in the rest of the song supports Quiet quite nicely. I love the crow reference in the 2nd stanza. You go Crow-boy! I like the rhyme of 'tirade' and 'unmade'. Not something which would've occurred to me. last stanza - "Forsaken, you not real", suggest "you're" instead of you. the repeat of 'but' in the last two lines 'feels' awkward when I read this aloud. All in all, a penetrating insight into the seductive death of emotions. Without feeling, there is no pain. When things are hurting badly, some people seek drugs, alcohol, or even suicide when the pain has gone on too long. Some people perform emotional surgury and life a half-life, neither hurting nor feeling love. The choice to reclaim emotion with all that entails expressed in this song shows a magnificent courage... Grammatically yours, -Peredhil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Nyyark Initiate Posts: 9 (2/2/02 5:10:04 pm) Reply Thank you for the constructive critisism -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for the many corrections on my work. As you probably know spelling isn't one of my strong points. I'm glad you pointed out the meter changes, I have incorporated many of them. I left "What" instead of "What'll" for Dialect purposes, but added Joe instead, saving the meter and going well with usual. Now about the "trim" to "Trim" consistency change, all two letter phrases are first in undercase, and then capitalized, like: "Come in" they say, "Come In" I see you are now "An Ancient Polite Bard" so this quite forgiven (besides, some of us know just how much of an ancient polite bard you really are ). Oh and I used comma's instead of periods. In Call of Desolation you were quite right, it was supposed to be quiet instead of quite. Also the "but" has become "Now". Oh, and in the 4th line from the end of your critisism, I belive the word "surgury" supposed to be "surgery". Thankfully yours, -Nyyark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts