Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Minta Rose Bard Posts: 34 (11/25/01 10:39:25 pm) Reply The Shadowed Warrior -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (by Tek Chaos, Assembly Room) Memories: The sentence "I can remember when I still had memories" needles me. Perhaps, instead of 'had', it could be 'kept'? The corners of darkness: "When they overwhelmed us, they offered us positions as an ultimatum to execution." That doesn't make sense. 'An alternative to execution', or perhaps 'the alternative' for more impact, would work; so would rephrasing 'to execution' to '--that or execution.'. Evil's one true weapon: Is this part long enough to stay independent? It introduces a new element (the War against the Light) but doesn't finish it. O, immortal of life: No recommendations, it stands well. And never does he yield: As above. The little tagline after the poem is not quite enough. Either it could be removed entirely, or twisted somehow. . .I'm not sure here. . . The entire story is neatly written, a good style for a journal, with the low detail and many short sentences. A compact and complete tale. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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