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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

A play, if you will


The Big Pointy One

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This is just a contest I did back on the AMBB... it technically won me a cd, but I haven't seen it yet. Gwaihir knows what I'm talking about Anyways, it's probably the one work I'm actually proud of... it's also my longest piece, weighing in at thirteen pages (oooh, unlucky... :P) so without further ado, my play...

 

A day in the life of your standard adventurer-guy (or girl... woman... whatever)

 

An old-looking man wearing a tuxedo walks up onto a stage and stands in front of a microphone, signalling everyone to quiet down. When they do, he speaks into the mic:

 

Greetings everyone, I am the impresario tonight. Today, we are going to take a look at what it's like to be an adventurer!

 

Doesn't it sound like fun?

 

(audience is stone silent)

 

Oh. Well, on with the show.

 

(a curtain rises, revealing a drowsy looking Stick (as in the Big Pointy One), just getting out of bed. He yawns, stretches, and scratches himself, including in places that just shouldn't be mentioned.)

 

Impresario: This is our hero/adventurer-guy, BigPointyStick. Most adventurer-guy's like him are usually pretty tired because of all the things they have to do... defeating the mighty barkeep is awfully hard!

 

(Stick rolls his eyes)

 

Stick: I don't drink THAT much...

 

Impresario, under his breath, but still into the mic: Yea yea, whatever, just get on with the show.

 

(some of the audience laughs slightly, others aren't sure what to do, more are asleep, and quite a few are leaving already.)

 

Stick: I wonder where my trusty side-kick and faithful partner is?

 

(the door to Stick's room opens, and in hops Mr.Bunny)

 

Stick: ah, there you are! Have you prepared my breakfast?

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: now now, no need to swear... I'll make breakfast then.

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: what did I just say!?!

 

Impresario: The hero and his sidekick are an inseparable team. They work together as one, and NEVER fight.

 

(Stick and Mr.Bunny go into the kitchen. Mr.Bunny hops onto a chair, and Stick starts rooting around the cupboards.)

 

Stick: Hmmm... little buddy, I think we're out of food. You have to stop inviting all your little animal friends over all the time, they're stealing our stuff!

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: Oh, well I guess that might make up for it... but I don't want to see any Mr.Bunny Jr.'s showing up soon, got it!

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: Good. Well, I guess we're going to have to go to town now, and get some supplies. Do me a favour, and fetch the BPS, will you?

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: Fine, fine...

 

(the curtain falls as Stick returns to his room to grab the BPS)

 

Impresario: Now the day's adventure begins, let's see what happens, shall we?

 

(curtain rises again. Stick and Mr.Bunny are now walking/hopping down a road towards town.)

 

Stick: Gee, it sure is dark and gloomy in this forest, I sure hope we don't get attacked by monsters!

 

Impresario: The most common challenge adventurers have to face is monsters. From the lowliest goblin to the mightiest dragon, heroes of every type have to fight various monsters pretty much every day.

 

(as the impresario is speaking, children dressed up as goblins jump out from behind some cardboard trees, wielding cardboard knives)

 

Goblin 1: Geeeve us all yer mooney, tall man!

 

Goblin 2: And the hippity-hoppity flippity-floppity bunny wunny!

 

(goblins 1 and 3 look at goblin 2)

 

Goblin 2: Whaaat?? Me hungry!

 

(all three goblins grin evilly and nod a couple times and advance on Stick and Mr.Bunny)

 

Stick: Stand ho, varlets! Thoust may not take mine bunny! Stand, or perish!

 

Impresario: Heroes like to talk funny... they think it impresses people.

 

(the goblins lunge at Stick and Mr.Bunny, daggers forward, since they're not really sure what Stick is saying. Stick shrugs and swings his BPS at goblin 1 from above. Although he doesn't ACTUALLY hit him, he goes down -it's just theatre remember...

he's not going to hit little kids... unless they tick him off- he then halts the downwards swing and turns it sideways, taking out goblin 2. Mr.Bunny seemed to be concentrating on something. Since the theatre has a low budget and next to no special-effects, someone offstage throws a carrot at goblin 3, taking him out. Stick and Mr.Bunny jump up and down, then loot the goblin's corpses, and continue down the path. Curtain falls)

 

~Intermission~

 

Various mages are wandering about the theatre, some leaving, some sleeping, others returning from the lobby with various snacks. A few others are sporting BigPointyStick/Mr.Bunny paranaphelia (©2001 all rights reserved, BigPointyStick and Mr.Bunny are registered trademarks of TAP Productions, ltd.) such as giant foam BPS's and Mr.Bunny ears. A few minutes later, the Impresario returns to the stage, the curtains still drawn shut.

 

Impresario: Ahem.

 

Audience doesn't pay attention

 

Impresario, coughing loudly: ~A-HEM!~

 

Audience still isn't paying attention

 

Impresario, yelling this time, his face red and large veins popping up on his forehead: LISTEN UP PEOPLE!!!

 

Audience ignores impresario yet again, impresario falls over backwards after giving out a stressed yell. Audience now looks to stage, and seeing the impresario fallen over, laughs. Impresario now has audience's attention. He stands up, dusting himself off.

 

Impresario, muttering out of range of the mic: About damn time... (into the mic now): Alright, welcome back everyone. When we left our brave hero and his ever-loyal sidekick, they were walking to the market. I think they'd be there about now, so let's have a peek, shall we?

 

(curtain rises, Stick and Mr.Bunny are standing on an empty stage, eating some snacks.)

 

Impresario, red face and veins returning: PROPS!!!

 

(the stage crew quickly rushes in and sets up a cardboard market scene. A few more of the crew run by Stick and Mr.Bunny, plucking their snacks away from their lips.)

 

Impresario, after glaring quite evilly at Stick and Mr.Bunny: Yes, heroes must go the market frequently. They have to gather supplies and information, and make repairs on their equipment a lot of the time. Standard supplies for a hero include changes of clothes and beef jerky. That's usually about it. Oh yea, and sometimes they buy new weapons and armour if they can find anything better. Of course, the marketplace, next to the tavern, is the prime place for information-gathering.

It is one of the places where heroes usually get their quests. Let's see if they'll get one today, shall we?

 

(Stick and Mr.Bunny walk around the cardboard market looking at cardboard goods. Stick picks up a few cardboard apples and a few cardboard carrots for Mr.Bunny.)

 

Stick: Well, there doesn't seem to be much happenning today. Maybe we can head over to the-

(a woman's scream)

 

Stick: Alright, a damsel in distress!

 

Impresario: A common thing in an adventurer's life is the damsel in distress. In a lot of cases there is ALWAYS some sort of damsel in distress. For some reason, this damsel just HAS to be some sort of beautiful princess... no no no, the heroes never rescue the ugly damsels... it's a shame really...

 

Stick: Are you done?

 

Impresario: Uh yea, I think so... carry on. ~sniff~

 

Stick (under his breath): That guy's got problems... (speaking normally again): Fear not! I'll save you!!!

 

Impresario: Heroes always have to be brave, or else they're not really heroes. Just someone trying to be a hero.

 

Stick: Come on Mr.Bunny, we have a damsel to save!

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

(Stick and Mr.Bunny run in the direction of the scream... well, actually, some prop guys come and remove the cardboard market and set up a road-type of scene while Stick and Mr.Bunny run in place. Enter grimy looking thugs wielding cardboard shortswords)

 

Impresario: The heroes often have to fight lots of thugs, aka goons, aka cronies, et cetera. They're the first line of fodder for the standard evil villain.

 

Stick: Alright uglies, where's the chick?

 

Thug 1, laughing: You'll never get her! The master will have her soon! Mwuhaha!!!

 

Impresario: Evil villains can't find dates, so they have to resort to kidnapping damsels.

 

Stick: Grrrr...

 

Thug 2: Alright tall boy, yer goin' down.

 

(Start combat. Stick takes out the cardboard BPS and brings it down on thug 1's head, bringing him down. Thug 2 lunges in at Stick with his cardboard sword. Stick spins to the side and jabs the thug in the side.)

 

Impresario: We would have had one of those bladder things filled with blood, but noooo... errr... I mean, watch as the hero defeats his foes!

 

(The thug drops to the ground, holding his side.)

 

Impresario: The hero is always a nice guy and shows his enemies mercy all the time... hey!

 

(Stick is beating thug 2 over the head repeatedly with the cardboard BPS)

 

Impresario: I said the hero always shows his enemies mercy!!!

 

Stick: Oh, whoops, sorry... uhhh... line?

 

Impresario: You're supposed to ask him where they're keeping the damsel.

 

Stick: Oh yea, thanks impy...

 

Impresario: This... this is what I have to work with...

 

Stick, holding the BPS to thug 2's throat: Where are you keeping the damsel?

 

Thug 2: I won't tell!

 

Stick: Oh, ok, sorry to bother you.

 

Impresario: That's not how it goes.

 

Stick: Whoops... oh yea... TELL ME!!!

 

Thug 2: Waah! Don't yell! They're holding her at... THE CASTLE OF DOOM!!!!

ominous music is played by the theatre orchestra, i.e. a squad of hobos with jugs, kazoos and a harmonica or two.

 

Stick: Oh no, not the castle of doom!!!

 

(Stick drops the BPS and thug 2 runs off stage left.)

 

Stick: We better go home and plan!

 

~Intermission~

 

Impresario: now, when damsels are in distress, they are usually kept in some sort of scary tower with REALLY high towers.

Because of the high towers, the people who live in the castle are REALLY good at running up and down stairs, and probably have a pretty good stamina. Whatever you do, DO NOT challenge an evil villain to a stair-race or you WILL lose. ~Ahem~ When we last left our heroes, they were going home to make their plans. They did that, and are now approaching the castle. Let's join them, shall we?

 

(Curtain rises. Stick and Mr.Bunny are approaching a large cardboard castle. Enter Toilet Duck with green papier mache attached to various locations about himself and the toilet tank.)

 

Impresario: Oh no! A dragon!

 

Stick: Oh no! A dragon!

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

(Voice off stage): Rawr! Look at mee!!! I'm a big scary draaagon! Fear me!! Rowrrr!!!

 

Impresario: Watch out for it's fiery breath!

 

(Toilet Duck takes out and activates a lighter. Audience laughs)

 

Impresario: I REALLY wish we had better-

 

(Impresario is interrupted by a sand bag falling on his head. Audience cheers... standing ovation. Stick and Toilet Duck-Dragon engage in battle. Stick rolls around as if dodging it's flame breath. Mr.Bunny jumps back, preparing a spell. Moments later a bucket of baby carrots is dumped from above the stage, but they bounce of the mighty dragon-hide. Stick rolls around a bit more, but finally manages to make a fatal blow.)

 

Stick: On to the castle!

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Impresario: ~out cold~

 

~Intermission~

 

After the curtain falls, a grungy looking person (hard to tell whether it's male or female) wearing what looks like a paper hat with a badly drawn red cross on it waddles on to the stage and dumps a bucket of ice on the Impresario, shrugs and walks of stage. Unfortunately, the Impresario is still unconscious. The audience is cheering like crazy. But the show still can't start without the impresario... but what's this? The curtain is rising! The audience cheers louder, and the show resumes...

 

(Enter Stick and Mr.Bunny. They are surrounded by cardboard walls {except in front of the audience, of course.} painted to look like brick. On the far wall in front of the pair there seems to be a door painted on. There is a small amount of light coming from stagehands holding lighters through holes in the wall.)

 

Stick: Hm, to a normal man, this place might seem scary...

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: I am not!

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: NOT!!!

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick, fuming: ...we have a damsel to save, let's get moving!

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: Quiet, you! I hear someone coming.

 

(Enter Rocoss wearing a black hockey helmet, some black shoulder pads. He is carrying a large cardboard sword.)

 

Rocoss: I am the evil black knight of the tower of DOoooOM!!! Fear me! FEAR ME!!! (under his breath): Who writes this crap... oh, that's right... (looks out the computer monitor, shaking his head)

 

Stick: Uh, what are you looking at?

 

Rocoss: That guy, at the other end... err.. never mind.... FEAR ME!!!

 

Stick: I shall vanquish thee, villain! Prepare to meet thine maker!!!

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

(Stick and Rocoss/Black Knight engage in combat. They go back and forth trading blows. Eventually, Stick proves to be more nimble and lunges in, "stabbing" Rocoss in the gut. He falls to the ground, holding his stomach.)

 

Rocoss: No, it can't be!

 

Suddenly, the impresario comes to. He looks around, scratches his head. He looks to the stage, and recognizes the scene.

 

Impresario: Yes, when the evil villains die, they must always have a dramatic death scene, after they deny the fact that it's actually happenning.

 

Rocoss: I was the greatest warrior in the land! No one has ever defeated me before! Nooooo!!!

 

Stick: Where's the damsel!?

 

Rocoss: You'll never get her!

 

Stick: Aw, come on man, you're dying... do me a favour here... what's the worst that could happen to you for yelling, you're already dead, right?

 

Rocoss: Oh, I guess that makes sense. Well, you just turn left at the end of the hall and go up the stairs. In the room past the door at the top my master will be waiting. Be careful, he's a very powerful magician. But since you're the hero you should be able-

 

Impresario: Don't ruin the ending! I'll talk about that later!

 

Rocoss: Oh, ok. ~dies~

 

Stick: On to the damsel!!!

 

(Stick and Mr.Bunny rush off left stage. One of the stage hands drop a lighter, setting one of the walls on fire. Audience laughs. Stagehand runs around the stage screaming in pain, as his hand is caught in the 'wall' which is rapidly catching on fire. Audience falls out of their seats laughing and wiping tears from their eyes.)

 

~Intermission~

 

Impresario: Well, our heroes are just about finished their journey. They defeated a dragon, and the evil black knight. Let's join them as they climb the last few stairs.

 

(Curtain rises. Stick and Mr.Bunny are standing on a small staircase next to a raised section of stage. The raised section has walls around it and a doorway in front of the stage.)

 

Stick, wiping his forehead: Whew, those were a lot of stairs. How does this guy move around here?

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: Well, our quest is almost over, let's go kick some mage a**!!!

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: ...I know, but he's a bad mage... you're a good mage, remember.

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: Alright, let's go!

 

(Stick kicks open the cardboard door. Some stagehands remove the front walls so the audience can see. Fog covers the floor. Sliver, playing the evil mage is sitting on a poorly made wooden throne. He is wearing a black blanket and a baseball hat painted to look like a skull. He has a slightly black golf club with some sort of melted substance on the head that resembles a staff. He stands up.)

 

Impresario: Evil mages are usually pretty old. It's amazing how they can do all that stair-running. For some reason, a lot of them like to wear skulls. I think it makes them feel cool, like they're in a biker gang or something. Who knows. Another thing they like to do for some reason is surround themselves with fog. No one knows why they do this, not even the villains themselves.

 

Sliver: I am the great and powerful Otheametriaxiousisosesus! Who dares defile my sacred... uhh... chamber thingy!!!)

 

Stick: It is I, BigPointyStick, the big pointy one, slayer of stuff, protector of things, companion to Mr.Bunny (Mr.Bunny nods) and all around slightly nice guy!

 

Sliver: Well Mr.PointyStick, prepare to be dulled!

 

Impresario: I'm trying to figure out who gets the worse lines here... heroes or villains. At least the minor characters don't have to say much. Oh, the mic is on... whoops...

 

Impresario turns the mic off. Audience can see him talking about something, although they're not sure what.

 

(Sliver {as if I'm going to type his stage name again} starts chanting evilly. Stick rushes in at him but falls down. Mr.Bunny starts chanting as well.)

 

Sliver: Mwuhahahaha!!! You hit my invisible barrier! You fool!

 

Stick: How am I a fool? It was INVISIBLE!!?!

 

Sliver: Oh, sorry about that... nevermind. Still buds?

 

Stick: Uh, I'm here to kill you.

 

Sliver: Huh? Oh yea, right... that whole damsel thing. ...DIE!!!

 

(Sliver shakes his staff at Stick)

 

Sliver: BONE STORM!!!

 

(a mess of chicken bones falls from above stage. It misses Stick entirely, except for a bucket that slips and lands on his head. Stick hurredly makes some eyeholes, in stead of removing the bucket.)

 

Impresario: ...

 

Impresario scratches his head. Then he thinks for a minute. He tries speaking into the mic again, but no avail. Suddenly he realises he still has it turned off, and quickly fixes it.

 

Impresario: Uh, you're supposed to be hit by the bones there.

 

Stick: Oh, right... we should have rehearsed this more... ~ahem~ OOF!

 

Sliver: Mwuhahaha!!! I have defeated the BigPointyStick!!! I am invincible!!! oh... oh no!!!

 

Impresario: As soon as someone says 'I am invincible' their fate is sealed. The gods do not like anyone else even claiming to be invincible. They give the person who says it a 'death sentence' so to speak.

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

(A giant styrofoam carrot falls from above stage, and hits Sliver on the head. Sliver falls to the ground. Mr.Bunny hurredly hops over to Stick.)

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: Not really, just my pride.

 

Mr.Bunny: ...

 

Stick: Yea, I saw that. Good job little buddy. Now lets go get that damsel.

 

(Stick stands up, limping a little. Sliver suddenly moves again and lunges for the companions. Mr.Bunny hops to the side, but Stick stays in one spot and brings out the cardboard BPS. He whacks Sliver over the back with it. Sliver falls to the stage, face first. Stick kicks him over to his back, and holds the CBPS to Sliver's throat.)

 

Sliver: P-p-please don't kill me!!!

 

Stick: Of course I won't kill you. I'm a good guy. Good guys never kill their enemies. We're just going to argue for a while, then I'm going to let you run away in shame.

 

Sliver: Oh. Right, forgot about that too. Uh, can we skip the arguing part? I have dinner with my parents in about 20 minutes, and I have to go in a hurry.

 

Stick: Umm... ok... but don't do this again!

 

Sliver, getting up and running away: Oh, don't worry... I won't... meheeheheheh mwuhahahaha (runs into the wall) Ouch. (limps off stage)

 

Curtain falls

 

Impresario: Well, there you have it folks. The heroes have disposed of the villain. After they accomplished the

near-impossible feat, they slowly rescued the damsel- there was a lot of stairs to her tower. Those evil villains, what rascals! Like in all adventures, our heroes found out that the damsel was actually a princess of some wealthy kingdom. For her rescue, she payed the heroes a handsome pile of gold, that the heroes added to a large mountain growing at their home.

After that, our heroes went out on the town, having some fun and perusing the taverns, hoping to find a nice-looking barmaid, mayhap? From there, it's home again, to sleep, and to wait for another day...

 

~The End~

 

Audience applauds?

 

BigPointyStick

-----------------

Wielder of the BPS

Companion of Mr.Bunny

Hopefully new Pen Member ^.^

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