The Quest for DEP - Men of Terra

[Guest Minta Rose]

Tzimfemme (#843)

 

"Phhhfffttt! Yuck!"

 

Tzimfemme spat out the water with amazing swiftness, looking much like Arethusa cursing at the scroll. "Disgusting! That tasted worse than lepers' bandages smell."

 

"I'm not surprised," yawned a young man behind her, sprawled in a happy heap with several other half-naked peasants. "This is Harmony, man. You can't drink it, you can only hope to be one with it. Lepers used to come here and wash themselves with it. Said it'd stop the rotting. Never worked for me, man. Not until a few days ago."

 

Tzimfemme rotated her head past its natural limits. All those hours on the gallows had helped her flexibility, at least. The young ex-leper and his squirming entourage stared back at her impossible pose. Pinning him with her icy gaze, she demanded, "So why aren't you out and working?"

 

"Why work when you can hang out with women? They came from the pastures, the farms, the taverns, the shops, just to be with us, man!"

 

"Sure we could be working," called a young lady as she raced past, "but it's just so much more fun to play tug-and-tag with the boys. Aren't they so cute?"

 

Tzimfemme turned around and marched very deliberately out of the grove, trodding on as many former lepers as possible. So, not only was there going to be a mass invasion of Men and Groupies (like a Devil Prince and his minions, only less battle-worthy, she thought), she had on her realm a more effective Laziness than she could dispel.

 

As she stormed past Arethusa, the watery figure offered the only sensible suggestion to date. "Why don't we just dig you-know-what up again and throw it over the border?" she inquired.

 

Tzimfemme cracked another grim smile, the one that cracked audibly, and forewarned of the cracking of skulls. "Yes, let's handle the CONCENTRATED poison, possibly spilling more of it into the groundwater, and let it be known that I have the only source of DEP in Terra! The fortresses will be smashed flat by the force of redoubled invasions! There'll be a huge brawl as the mages fight over the container! And after they finish fighting over that, they'll take vengeance upon me while their groupies overrun the realm like mice, eating our food and trampling our towns! It's far too late to back down, Arethusa. Battle stations!"

 

Tzimfemme ran to the central fortress, ranting all the way. Arethusa listened in shock as Tzimfemme continued on about having her army's guts used for "We Love the Men O' Terra" banners if they didn't power up the defenses.

 

"She's gone completely out of her mind!" exclaimed Arethusa. If she were capable of getting rid of this mess, she would, but the only thing she could gather was information.

 

Inspired, she re-read the Outrider article on the missing DEP, noting the members of the Men O' Terra and the incidental names. Between the lists, and excluding the magesses of Terra, Arethusa struck 95% of the mages from the lists of DEP possessors. So why were the other 5% not getting involved?

 

Arethusa sighed. Knowing that Tzimfemme was in no state to take rational advice, she truly had no purpose here. The only thing she could do was find out who wasn't caught up in the DEP hysteria. . .and why.

[Guest Minta Rose]

SatyrRider (#7258)

 

And as the Men of Terra head off to who- knows where, a lone figure, pen and pad in hand, scurries off after them, writing frantically in his notebook as he goes...

[Guest Minta Rose]

SatyrRider (#7258)

 

The frantic search for DEP in Terra continued today, with the Men of Terra leading the way after a new lead was discovered. The pieces began to assemble today when a Miscast spell by the Archmage Bloodfang was connected to the mysterious DEP dissapearance. All over Terra, mages and apprentice- mages have been getting unusual objects from the incantation of Wish spells. Wigs and other assorted clothing items have been coming up where Mana Vortexes and Gold should have been. A theory shared by many of the best detective minds in Terra is that someone, be it an Archmage or a lowly page stumbling upon the Wish Spell by accident, (cont'd on page 3-A)

 

INSIDE:

*Religious Fanatic Annoys Foremer DLoTS supporter*

*More Good Ideas to "Fix" Terra Thought Up by Archmages*

*Drinking While Not Under the Influence of the Laziness spell: Should It Be Restricted?*

*Official Cease- Fire between Majority of Archmages Set for Tyuli 7th*

 

pg. 3-A

 

has accidently gotten the DEP in Terra as a result. This is a very disturbing thought, and more so if the DEP should have fallen into the hands of a female caster.

 

The Men of Terra have, of course, run the investigation in full swing, DEP being a key element in their power and charisma. A lead has been established, as all of the Women of Terra United should have been outside the Hall of Suaveness to witness the Men of Terra. All were, except for one: Tzimfemme, the famous Carrier of Wit and a fine storyteller as well. The Men of Terra, along with the author representing the press, are now heading to Tzimfemme's kingdom, each in their own way of transportation.

 

Reports as they come in in future issues.

Author: Archmage SatyrRider #7258, Editor and Reporter-In-Chief of the Alizzi Outrider

[Guest Minta Rose]

Tzimfemme (#843)

 

Somewhere down in the 3400 ranks, a blue mage sends its unicorns off to battle with the kingdom next door. The war arrow reads, "keep yer $%($&$@ algibra homwork you ($%&*$% geek" and is followed by a contingent of archers, whose quivers are loaded with BelZpock's scrolls. . .

 

The green mage retaliates with "I'm a creative writing major, you weirdass! Do your own damn homework!" and orders his elven archers to send the scrolls back, along with some treants to break the unicorns' horns. . .

 

And Bloodfang did laugh at the math-shy mages as they started a minor war. Not only did Wish now miss its intended item, he could force Steal Artifact to miss its intended target. The CftM! mages would beat this blue mage back to hell using only their exclamation points, and his alibi would be perfect. Certainly there was his arrow to BelZpock, but the main evidence was now sitting in the low-powered ranks, rotting through the ignorance of its new owner. And chaos did spread throughout the 3400 rank.

[Guest Minta Rose]

Greased (#178)

 

"Papa! Papa!"

 

"What is it Gretchen?"

 

"Outside! Oh, the gods, have they come to Terra, to our little inn?"

 

Papa looks out the window, sighs, and mutters, "Oh no, here they come again... and more of them, it appears..."

 

"Papa, they are angels! They are beautiful! They are --"

 

"They're TMoT, Gretchen... that means we'd better make sure there's plenty of the hard stuff. Run, girl! Retrieve my private stock!"

 

***

 

"...and then, the dude, he says, "Ain't I a man?" and -- I swear to god, he does this -- he yanks down his drawers to show me his THING!" Greased cries out!

 

AH HA HA HA HA HA! bellows the entourage of reporters, fans and The Men of Terra. All new the futility of the guy's assertion. There's men, and then there's Men.

 

It was a good night. Despite the lack of DEP, The Men were generous, calling out drinks for all present.

 

Finally, Cid says, "Right. Move out, wannabes. TMoT must confer."

 

Instantly, Bale, Greased, HawkAngel, BelZpock, Corvus and Cid are alone in the tavern... except for Gretchen, because one must always have their beer wench.

 

"We know the story now," BelZpock intones, shooting down Swedish vodka. "My calculations show Bloodfang responsible for the deed, and Tzimfemme the recipient of our DEP."

 

The Men nod gravely.

 

"Here's a plan," Bale announces, wiping mead from his lips. "We split up... three of us retrieve the DEP, while the other three settle things with Bloodfang."

 

Greased belched his agreement. "I'm going after Tzimfemme. Who's coming with me?"

[Guest Minta Rose]

Cid (#27)

 

Greased belched his agreement. "I'm going after Tzimfemme. Who's coming with me?"

 

Cid rises from his stool, puts back his last shot and heads for the door.

 

"Come on Greased, lets go!"

 

Cid then grabs Bale's sword from beside him and tosses it into the air. He takes off his TMoT hat with his other hand and slides it across the flat surface of the bar. The sword flys down towards the counter and pierces through the hat.

 

"I won't be needing that anymore!" Cid yells out across the tavern.....

 

"Damnit Cid, that is authentic TMoT merchandise! Do you know how much that is worth? BelZpock screams at him angrily!

 

"Money means nothing to me, Belz!" Cid says back to him in a calm voice.

 

"Hey Cid, do you know how much beer you could get with the money you could make if you auctioned off that hat to some TMoT wanabee?" Greased asks Cid politely while checking himself in the mirror.

 

"@#%$, I never thought about it like that!" (Cid puts his hand through the Tavern Wall)

 

"Come on Greased. Tzimfemme here we come! Who's with us? We need one more!"

 

Oh yeah, I almost forgot......... Gretchen, grab good ol' Cid a beer for the road!

[Guest Minta Rose]

HawkAngel (#2771)

 

HawkAngel steps up to the other two Men.

 

"Seeing as Triz is one of the few women in Terra Stiletto trusts I guess it's best I head out with you two"

 

Downing his last shot of single malt scotch (the drink of The Man) and slamming the shot glass through the bar HawkAngel stands up.

 

Picking up his sword and strapping it to his waist once again he furls his robes around his shoulders.

 

"I volunteer The Vamp for transportation. Greased, you drive...."

 

And with that half of the mighty Men of Terra stride out to wade through their admirers once again.

 

Greased pumps his fist in the air, victory apparent on his face as he grabs the keys to The Vamp out of the air.

 

"Been wanting ta hit the King's Highway with this ride..." Greased calls out. "Bale, BelZ, and Corvus, have fun, cuz I know I am!"

 

Seconds later...

 

VER-RRRROOOOMMMM!

 

RRRREEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

Cid yelling "YAHOOOO!"

 

And the suddenly distant sound of HawkAngel yelling at Greased to "put the pedal to the metal!"

[Guest Minta Rose]

SatyrRider

 

And behind the large black car, a near- transparent one follows, invisible unless someone concentrated very hard- the ultimate in media transporation. And inside, SatyrRider surveyed the events playing out, and jotted it all down in the red notebook.

[Guest Minta Rose]

Tzimfemme (#843)

 

Tzimfemme continued swinging the hammer at the sign, despite the nails already being sunk two inches into the wooden board. The sign began to splinter under the blows as the archangels hauled her back up to the fortress ramparts.

 

The battered sign read "Men of Terra KEEP OUT! Groupies KEEP OUT! DEP is bad! KEEP OUT!"

 

She had truly lost her sanity after coming into contact with the DEP-tainted water. Before nailing the gates shut with the sign across them, she had tried to fuse a lich and archangel, with little result. Nonetheless, she created five hundred

of the monsters--"liarches" she called them--and set them to patrol the lich and archangel fortresses. The only noticeable improvement was in her thin braids, which had formed themselves into the quasi-Roman style she had never

achieved while sane.

 

She picked up a morning star, whirled the double-pointed stick above her head until the spiked ball was orbiting like a halo, sighted, and flung the weapon. A passing hell hound took the ball in the chest, then died when the sharpened

end of the stick whipped around and pierced its brain. Tzimfemme retrieved the Lobotomy and geared up to practice throwing her knives. Cut from the teeth of a harrow, they were dull, heavy, and the only known throwing knives that pierced reptile hide.

 

As the nymphs (perhaps the only creatures that would distract the Men O' Terra) took up their positions outside the fortress, Arethusa flowed out with them. She was willing to briefly forget her vow of fealty if it meant getting that accursed item out of the realm and Tzimfemme back to reality.

 

Arethusa felt the ground rumble under her feet. Looking in the direction of the vibrations (for she could hear nothing yet) she saw a cloud of dust being thrown to the horizon. Was that the drumming of thousands of feet stirring up that dust?

Suddenly the increased defenses looked like the Spartans at Thermopylae--far too few, and about to be slaughtered.

 

As a stunning black car roared past the nymphs, scattering them like tiddlywinks, Tzimfemme leaned over the ramparts, Lobotomy in hand, and shrieked, "A challenge!"

 

Crash! Her glasses shattered on the Vamp's hood, leaving not a scratch. Arethusa sighed, realizing that now her mistress was half-blind with myopia; maybe the Men O' Terra would have a harder time working their magic, but she would be helpless when the real invasion occured. . .

[Guest Minta Rose]

Bale (#3195)

 

As half of TMoT pealed off, Bale looked at Corvus and BelZPock.

A sudden realization came to him, and he put it in his head.

 

"This is interesting. The three of us are reminding me of this cool movie series that I watched. BelZPock is kinda like this little wise green dude, Yoda. Corvus is kinda like this old dude who knows lotsa stuff, Obi-Wan Kenobi. And that would make me the bad-ass who pulls a ton of chicks, Anakin Skywalker!"

 

BelZ looks at Corvus, who rolls his eyes in response.

 

"Um, Bale?" says BelZ.

"Yeah?"

"I don't think Anakin pulss lotsa chicks..."

 

"yeah Bale" agreed Corvus, "he just gets all messed up and has to have a big black mask to breathe through."

 

Bale shakes his head, grinning at the amazing lack of wisdom being displayed by his oh so wise counterparts...

 

"You guys don't know squat!"

 

Bale laughes at the quizzical looks on his studly friend's faces.

"Forget about it guys, we have some BUSINESS to take care of! Mini Sarah Michelle! Get the Ladies Van!!!!!"

 

Then Bale realized, Mini SMG was still inside the Hall of Suaveness, picking up Red Bull cans!

Who had his keys?

 

Oh yeah.

 

"Mini Natalie Portman! Bring the keys!"

[Guest Minta Rose]

Corvus Corax (#7646)

 

It's worse than I thought he's starting to hallucinate from DEP withdrawl. BZ get some rope we have no choice but to restrain him until he comes to his senses. We'll tie him to the Front of the Ladies Van that should break him out of it!

 

Dudes, what are you doing with that....

 

HEY, WAIT NO... THAT is NOT MY LEG! Leggo! hey I take it back you guys can be Anakin. Really stop no This is NOT going to look cool.

 

Just think Chrome Hood Ornament, BelZpock replied Drolly

 

Mini NP, SMG Stop this Crazy Thing!!!!!!

[Guest Minta Rose]

Greased (#178)

 

Suddenly, a small form leapt in the path of The Ladies Van. "Bitch," seethed Mini Natalie Portman, and slammed on the pedal!

 

"Hey, Mini NP! Yer gonna hit --" Corvus began.

 

BAAAAMMMMM!

 

"-- that crazy little thing," he finished.

 

"Ha ha ha! Check out Bale," laughed BelZpock. Bale, tied to the hood, swung his head left and right, wondering why they had come to a sudden stop.

 

The answer soon became apparent with the wail of a hissing cat.

 

"WENCH!" screamed Mini Natalie Portman, bursting through the windshield, scattering tinted glass all over her beloved Bale. She flung herself upon...

 

...Mini Michele Gellar! "WHORE," hissed Mini MG, leaping up and meeting Mini NP in midair! The struggle ensued!

 

"CAT FIGHT!" cried all three TMoT, gathering around to see the bloody end!

 

"He's MY MAN!" cried Gellar!

 

"Bale loves me BESTEST!" screeched Portman!

 

Corvus and Bel, without taking their eyes off the fight, began to untie Bale. "Dudes, back off!" cried Bale. "I got the best seat in the house!"

 

"I got a fiver on Gellar!" cried BelZpock, slapping the geld piece on the hood.

 

"Done!" called Corvus, throwing his piece down.

 

"Dudes, I bet they end up getting together with me at the same time!" announced Bale.

 

***

 

Later, on the road to Bloodfang's kingdom, BelZpock erected a minor Wall of Silence in the back of the van to drown the threesome's snoring. "I remember when that happened to me and an army of nymphs," he sighed, loss in his memories.

 

"Yeah," drawled Corvus, smiling with his own memories. "Happens all the time, when you're The Man."

[Guest Minta Rose]

Greased (#178)

 

VVVRRRRM! VRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMM!

 

"Faster Greased, faster!" roared Cid, leaning out the window to feel the force of

air pulling back his hair. For a moment, it was like DEP had returned to its rightful

place within his folicles, plastering his wondrous main back against his skull...

 

The tinkling of shattering crystal met Cid's ears, and then

 

RRRREEEE!

 

The Vamp drew to a sudden stop, sending black ground rubber into the air. Cid

WOULD have flown out against the wall before them, but for the fact that he was

The Best Man, The Party Man. The next few seconds to all present simply

appeared as yet another deft maneuver by one of TMoT:

 

Cid flew forward, spun in the air, planted his feet against the wall, gave in enough

leg for him to spring out again, spun like a yo yo once more, plant his feet against

The Vamp's windshield (which miraculously held). Then, with impossible

momentum on his side, Cid sprung out, leaping over the wall before him, clearing

it with room to spare. He landed amidst a guard unit, which fled at the deftness of

his action.

 

"TA DA!" crowed Cid!

 

Phew, that was close, thought Cid privately. Ah well, no one would ever know

better.

 

Cid, unopposed, walked to the gate and opened it. Outside, HawkAngel stooped

over his hood. "Tzimfemme could have ruined the paint job," he explained,

before adding, "but she didn't!"

 

Greased leaned out the window. "C'mon! Let's go get that DEP!"

 

"You'll have to get past us first!" cried the captain of the Tzimfemme's Nymph unit.

Five thousand nymphs shook their spears at the trio.

 

Cid looked at HawkAngel, who looked at Greased, who looked at Cid. All smiled

that knowing smile.

 

"IT'S PARTY TIME!" they yelled

[Guest Minta Rose]

Cid (#27)

 

Greased leaned out the window. "C'mon! Let's go get that DEP!"

 

"You'll have to get past us first!" cried the captain of the Tzimfemme's Nymph unit.

Five thousand nymphs shook their spears at the trio.

 

Cid looked at HawkAngel, who looked at Greased, who looked at Cid. All smiled

that knowing smile.

 

"IT'S PARTY TIME!" they yelled.

 

The three men excitedly approached the army of nymphs.

 

"Let me do the talking, men. Hawk, Cid, you two just sit back and take notes. Trust

me, you will probably learn a thing or two!" Greased walks ahead of the two

men. Cid looks over at HawkAngel, Hawk just shrugs his shoulders.

 

The 5000 nymphs spread out and form a circle around the three men. The

captain of the Nymphs moves so that she is standing directly infront of the three

men. She resembles an ever young woman with flowing long hair, radiant and

perfect skin, full lips, and gentle eyes. Her beauty is beyond words, but not to

worry TMoT has Greased there.

 

"Uhhhhhhhh, Hawk, I'm a little worried!" Cid whispers in HawkAngel's ear.

 

"No need to worry Cid, Greased is The Man! We are in good hands."

HawkAngel says while he moves up beside Greased leaving Cid standing

behind the two of them.

 

(There is a moment of silence)

 

 

 

(The moment turns into a few seconds)

 

 

No need to worry Cid thinks to himself.

No need to worry! No need to worry! No need to worry!

 

 

(The seconds turn to a minute)

 

 

 

(The minute turns into minutes)

 

 

 

 

(3 minutes, 4 minutes, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.......)

 

 

Cid starts to worry.

He looks into the eyes of his fellow men, and then it occurs to him.

 

"@#%$, she has blinded/hypnotized them!" It's a good thing these are real men,

cause if they were like normal men they would already be dead! Cid looks

around, avoiding eye contact with the nymphs. He looks into the sky, wondering

what to do.

 

"That's it!" He shouts out loud!

He quickly grabs his cell from his back pocket, and hits the emergency, speed

dial #1 button.

 

(RING RING)

 

"Hello, Wedge here, how can I help you?"

 

"Wedge, THANK GOD! I need your help, and I need it now!" Cid yells into the

phone.

 

"What's wrong, boss?"

 

"Okay do as I say. Go to the TMoT merchandise/storage room and grab me the

TMoT shades. I must have 3 pairs and I need them immediately, but I only have 1

letter of thieves guild left. So you must lower the kingdom's barriers, if this fails

TMoT is done.

 

"Relax Cid, have I ever let you down?" Wedge hangs up the phone before Cid

has a chance to reply. Come on Wedge, I'm counting on you, Cid thinks to

himself.

 

Within minutes the sunglasses arrived.

"Halalooya!" Cid yells........

"Now all I have to do is revive Greased, and HawkAngel....

 

"Cid, let me help you with that!" SatyrRider yells from the other side of the circle

of Nymphs.

Satyr reaches into his bag and tosses Cid a Terran Daily News.

 

"PERFECT!" Cid opens it to the first page. His legs feel a little wobbly, after he

takes a look at the Sun Shine Girl. He struggles to maintain his balance, but

manages to stay on his feet. He runs infront of the other two men, pushing the

Nymph aside.

 

"Take a look at this!"

The men regain full consciousness. Their mouths our wide open, with saliva

dripping off their bottom lip.

 

"Now that's a sight to wake up to!" Greased hollers. He then growls and snorts a

bit.

 

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!" HawkAngel is at a loss for words.

 

"Quick men, put these on." Cid hands the men the glasses, and they

simultaneously place them over their eyes.

 

"Phew, that was a close one!" Greased says as the men walk away from the

nymphs, returning back to their ride, to grab a few beers.

 

"Yeah, it sure was!" Hawk says, while adjusting his glasses.

 

"You guys wanna have some fun with the nymphs before we go and get what

rightfully belongs to us back?" Cid asks Greased, and Hawk as he chugs back a

beer.

 

"We wouldn't have it any other way!" Greased says with a big smile

[Guest Minta Rose]

SatyrRider

 

1st Feature: ~DEP MYSTERY: CASE CLOSED~

 

The saga of the missing DEP in Terra is finally coming to and end these days... or

so it seems.

 

Numerous Archdetectives and the Men of Terra have successfully traced the

mysterious dissapearance of the DEP in early Monday to a Miscast spell from the

Archmage Bloodfang, which caused spellcasters to get *strange* results for their

Wish Spells, and a Wish from the Archmage Tzimfemme, which netted her the

DEP. Thus, Tzimfemme may be held free of charges for stealing or other forced

ways of getting the DEP, but why she did not simply hand it over immediately

remains a mystery.

 

"Hunting," if you will, Tzimfemme down, the Men of Terra have become involved

in a pitched battle of sorts, both with Tzimfemme's garrison and their own internal

problems, the most notable of which Bale's two servants getting into an

unneccessary fight over him.

 

 

Reports as they come in during future issues.

 

 

In other news,

 

 

~THE GREAT FREEZE: FIVE-DAY PEACE TREATY HAS MANY ARCHMAGES

SPARING THEIR CITIZENS~

 

Over a few days, many top Archmages and their respective Guilds have decided

to go into "meditation" for three days, starting Friday. The exact terms of

"meditation" are unknown, but involve a 24- hour peace before and perhaps (by

rumor) after the period of "meditation." This will severely cut down on the death

rate of Terran citizens for these five days, from Tyuli 11 to Tyuli 15. The Queen

has declared Tyuli 12-14 a world holiday, and many Terrans are taking the

opportunity to throw immense parties and check up on lost relatives.

[Guest Minta Rose]

Tzimfemme

 

The nymphs, being well-trained troops, did not fail to attack the onrushing Men O' Terra. However, their psychic attack merely enhanced the TMoT's opinion of themselves, and the formation degenerated into a squealing, writhing, sex-crazed

mess.

 

Tzimfemme leaned far over the parapet, squinting at the scene below. Those years of scroll studying really had taken their toll, and she could only distinguish where her opponents were by the extra-frantic motion centering on three sites,

and the horde of followers cresting the horizon, heading straight for the wide open gates.

 

"Liiiiaarches!" she shrilled. "Attack!"

 

Neither liches nor archangels answered the call. Tzimfemme turned around in shock to see her armies gone. The archangels, offended by the orgy, had flown back to heaven; the liches, offended by the glee, had retreated to hell. And the hell hounds were being ridden by some of the peasants, wading through the melee like elephants in a human crowd.

 

"Hey man," drawled one of the ex-lepers who was riding the head hound, "don't be greedy, man, there's plenty to go around." Indeed, some of the nymphs were torn between the Men O' Terra and those lepers who had washed in the

DEP-tainted fountain.

 

"We bring you waters of plenty, man," he continued, "if you just share the nymphs, they're way prettier than the peasant girls, man." Pouring out some of the syrupy nectar from the flower of Harmony into his hand, he reached out and touched the forehead of the nearest Man O' Terra--HawkAngel.

 

HawkAngel automatically ran his fingers through his hair and--could it be? His hair stayed back!

 

The other Men O' Terra wasted no time in surrounding the former leper, despite the hordes of nymphs clinging to whatever handhold they could find.

 

"Where'd you get that?" demanded Greased.

 

The ex-leper held out his arms to the trio. "Follow me to the grove of Harmony," he intoned calmly, "to where the trees are tall and the bushes many, where the fountain flows with unknown magic--"

 

Cid interrupted, "So let's go there already."

 

Tzimfemme watched as the procession marched through her realm, flattening crops, soiling towns, and leaving thousands of heart-broken nymphs in its wake. Slowly the fact of defeat penetrated her afflicted brain, and she lowered her head. With an effort, she collected whatever prettiness she could, and descended from the fortress, forgetting all hopes of keeping her land. Maybe she could bargain for a quiet exile.

[Guest Minta Rose]

HawkAngel (#2771)

 

 

Emerging safely from the emergency hatch of The Vamp, HawkAngel scooped some of the DEP off of the nearest orgy pile and slicked his hair back into place.

 

"Ah much better" he murmered.

 

Casting a glance at where his stunt double (winner of the monthly Be Like HawkAngel contest) was learning the hard way that imitating a Man of Terra and not being able to peform like one was not a good idea.

 

Searching the fortress walls above he spotted Triz high above. Hopping on his convenient Carpet of Flying he flew to the parapet where Triz was huddled with most of her possessions.

 

"Greetings Triz. I hope you don't mind the mess we've made of your lands but I've come to offer you a fine deal. You see we've got this extra land lying around in the Kingdom of Calculus. I'd be more than willing to take you in and set you up

again provided that this" he cast an arm over the hordes of peasants and nymphs mixed in a giant orgy, "was cleaned up appropriately by the TMoT and all DEP returned to it's rightful owners. You're not going to find a much better deal out there. Besides, Cftm! would love to have you. And personally....we could use a balancing factor for Stiletto....."

 

He holds out a contract transferring all of Triz's lands for an equal amount of land in the guild known as Cftm!.

[Guest Minta Rose]

Bloodfang (#5477)

 

 

Whilst plummeting to the ground with a most remarkable speed, Bloodfang realised that things COULD, indeed, get worse. His Cell phone didn't work. Had he been a man of planning in advance, he would have made that very special

phone call BEFORE jumping, but, being somewhat erratic, he had forgotten all about that part of his plan.

 

As he fell, he was thinking intensely to come up with a plan B. So, Okay, he COULDN'T call Garuda, so Garuda WOULDN'T summon up that well needed Spider's Web to halt his fall. So, logically, he SHOULD hit the ground at approximately infinite speed in a few minutes. Actually, it was getting kind of

warm, already... Realising he was turning into a meteor, Bloodfang desperately started gibbering all spells he could come up with that would have any possible

effect to prevent his downfall.

 

The result was... Odd. All of a sudden, he was not alone falling anymore. A huge Pink Dragon with furry ears and TWO Unicorn horns on its no less than three heads was calmly falling through the air at his side. It looked around, somewhat

puzzled and scratched one of its three heads with one of its four hands. Indeed, that hand seemed to be made for scratching, closely resembling a hair brush. It shook it's furry ears and spoke.

 

- Such a nice day, isn't it? Bloodfang was at a loss of words, but the Dragon didn't seem to mind. It yawned and revealed three mainly toothless palates, but since it's mouths rather resembled beaks, the mage supposed it didn't matter. The Dragon continued.

- Say, may I ask you why we are falling? No? Excuse me, sir, might I have a word with you??

At last the paralyzing clutches of Chock released their hold on Bloodfang and he managed to reel off something that didn't even closely resemble a reply, though it was a brave attempt.

- I am Bloodfang. How do you do...

- Oh, Bloodfang! I am truly pleased to meet such a well-renowned mage! He paused... Err, you ARE well-renowned, by the way, aren't you? (Brief nod from Bloodfang, and the Dragon seemed content.) Few mages have managed to summon me for the past 5.000 years, so I was actually becoming a bit lonely when I heard your call. So, what can the almighty Pink Dragon Billy do for you??

 

- Hot... it is getting... very... hot... Bloodfang muttered between gritted teeth and untied the first button of his collar. The friction was starting to dissolve his boots, and smoke was already coming out of his shirt.

- Indeed, it seems that you be somewhat on the, hehe, hot side. Oh well, if that is why you called me, then that is the least I could do for you. Here you go.

Drawing a deep breath, Billy belched forth a stream of liquid ice, enveloping Bloodfang and freezing him instantly.

- ...

- Oh, no need to thank me, Billy said cheerfully. Happy landing, by the way! he shouted after Bloodfang as the massive cube of ice fell to the dangerously close ground below. Billy chuckled to himself, spread his enormous butterfly wings and flew away to explore the strange new world in which he had arrived.

[Guest Minta Rose]

Tzimfemme

 

 

Tzimfemme wondered if her hearing had gone foul along with her eyesight. Who

was this "Triz" to whom he was referring?

 

Eventually she figured it out. However this man had confused her with Ms. Frizzle

of the Magic School Bus was a mystery; Tzimfemme's science puns were never

THAT awful. Nonetheless, he was trying to talk to her. . .and offering some fairly

nice terms.

 

She approached cautiously, averting her gaze to prevent being ensnared by his

DEP-enchanted studliness. As she came within range, though, something

hummed past her and landed in the gate.

 

The message wrapped around the slender knife-blade read simply, "Don't even

think about it. Mage though you may be, you're as easy to remove as any tavern

wench."

 

"Agreed," Tzimfemme wrote on the back of the message, wrapping it around her

own heavy throwing knife and sending it back.

 

She took the parchment from HawkAngel and read it over. It was legitimate.

 

"One thing I have to warn you about," she told him, "I don't think Arethusa--you

know, that woman outside that looks like a water elemental--is physically capable

of leaving this realm. Keep her as a seneschal for the lands, and have her

mobilize the peasants for a cleanup crew. If she doesn't want to stay, I'll find a

way for her to return to the world of Caesar. Oh, and. . .I'll have to take the death

masks with me. Personal items, you understand."

 

Tzimfemme produced a quill pen and new pair of glasses out of mid-air. With the

glasses on, she found the line and signed the contract. Returning the document

to HawkAngel, she called for Arethusa.

 

Out of the mouth of a nearby gargoyle spout she poured, re-forming from the feet

upwards. "Yeah, yeah, I heard it all. So I get to stay here. No more being plagued

by that army of frogs. But, are you gonna be fine? No more weird flipping out

stunts?"

 

"The DEP stays here," HawkAngel explained.

 

"Good," Arethusa grumped. "I don't think any one else would have the patience

to put up with that nonsense."

 

. . . . . .

 

Several hours later, Tzimfemme emerged from the newly re-excavated tunnels,

carrying the six death masks. HawkAngel returned from the Wish chamber,

carrying the enchanted container.

 

Tzimfemme entered the grove of Harmony for the last time. There were the trees,

each tree a soul that the Ambition had stolen. There was the flower fountain, now

giving out a steady supply of unrefined DEP. There were Cid and Greased,

arguing over whether or not an ordinary still would work with the nectar. There

was Arethusa, rolling her eyes at the prospect. And there were the peasants who

formerly followed her will, beginning to dig the foundations for another Men O'

Terra stronghold.

 

She paused long enough to set up a longbow under HawkAngel's guidance. The

double-sigma bow had a longer range than the bow her messenger had

formerly used. Fixing the end in a convenient rock, she explained to Arethusa,

"This is my forwarding address. Just re-launch any arrows from here, and

HawkAngel says they'll land in my new lands."

 

Unbinding her coronet, Tzimfemme lay the band of fabric around Arethusa's

head. Surface tension held it in place. Then she whistled for a hell hound, turned

her back on the (briefly suspended) party, and rode off towards her new lands.

[Guest Minta Rose]

SatyrRider (#7258)

 

 

The Alizzi Outrider: Thursday, Tyuli 11, Year 999

#2 Newspaper in Terra!

Our Mission: To provide all citizens of Terra with the news from all over, keeping

them informed with the proceedings around the world. Also (the editor has

requested the printers to say "more practically" here; we don't know why), to

provide to Archmages the daily BH proceedings without having to read every

single post. COming Soon: What to Search For When there's a Whole Mess of

Crap Blocking the Good Posts

Editor: Archmage SatyrRider #7258

 

 

~SPECIAL: DEP MYSTERY RESOLUTION~

 

 

Thanks to the Men of Terra, the DEP mystery that started back on Monday has

been resolved. Tzimfemme (the recipient of the DEP), after a short pitched battle,

has been held free of blame as the actual cause of the DEP dissapearance was

Bloodfang's Miscast spell, but has been relieved of her renowned estate. She

now resides in the land of Calculus, property of the superguild Cftm!, or Calculus

for the masses! Bloodfang remains unfound, but once he is he will be subjected

to a fair trial; as he did not fully know the exact effects his Miscast was going to

do. Prosecutors argue, however, that since Miscast is a Forbidden Magik,

Bloodfang should still be accountable both for casting it AND its effect.

 

 

page 2-B

 

 

~SLEEP-IN BEGINS TOMORROW; NON-AGGRESSION CONTINUES UNTIL

TYULI 15TH~

 

 

In case any readers missed previous issues of the Outrider, many Archmages

have stopped fighting effective today and gone inot a process called "meditation."

Since this will prevent the usual daily mass butchering of citizens, Tyuli 12-14, the

period of "meditation," has been declared a worldwide holiday by the Queen

herself.

 

The actual purpose of the meditation period is unknown except to the Archmages

themselves. It is rumored that it is a "protest" of sorts, but our sources would not

divulge any more info., and looked like they thought that the bulk ofreaders

would not understand if they did.

 

 

 

Since the Editor is an Archmage himself, and involved in the "meditation," this will

be the last issue until Tyuli 15th. Have happy Meditation Holidays!

 

Author: Archmage SatyrRider #7258, Editor & Reporter-In-Chief of the Alizzi

Outrider

 

 

SatyrRider

SOT

BD'A

Leader, TGoE

Alizzi Outrider, #2 Newspaper in Terra! .