James Crow Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 (edited) I walked up to a cathedral, a lot on my mind. As I made it to doors I whispered, “sanctuary, _________sanctuary” No one could hear me, ___cause my words were drowned out by the patter of the rain. I strutted down the hall, a lot of problems on my mind. As I made it to the cross I said, “Sanctuary, _______Sanctuary” No one could hear me, ___cause my words were drowned out by the humming of people praying. I climbed to the tower, a lot of problems plaguing my mind. As I made it to the top I shouted, “SANCUARY, ___________SANCUARY” No one could hear me, ___cause my words were drowned out by the ringing of the bells! I ran up to the roof, so many problems destroying my mind! As I made it to the edge I screamed, “SANCUARY, ____________SANCUARY!” No one could hear me, ___cause my words were drowned out by the explosions of thunder!! I fell down on my knees, all my problems pouring out from my eyes. As my head landed into my hands I muttered, “san...cu....ary, ___________san......cu........ Edited February 4, 2011 by James Crow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreyjiaHawkfeather Posted January 30, 2011 Report Share Posted January 30, 2011 To say the least WOW. To say more its breathtaking. The images come fast and had to make themselves known in your heart. Thank you for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mardrax Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 Nice, very nice indeed. Powerful. You keep on showing off that skill in building up through repetition, through adhering to a theme and following it out to the end. As Freyis said, you conjure up images with very little indeed, and such powerful images they are. Such powerful emotions they express. With the scant ammmount of material you achieve that with, it's an impressive feat indeed. Some nitpicking: did you mean to lose the 't' in "sanctuary" in the last three stanzas? Also "they were drown out" should probably be "they were drowned out" in all cases. Lastly, the last line of the second stanza has a double "the". That is, coincidentally, the only line that doesn't sit very well with me. It's powerful, vivid, but it doesn't fit the structure of the other stanzas very well, mostly because it's just longer. Perhaps something like "the hum of praying men" would work better? In the end though, what's more important: what do you think? How does playing around with formatting feel to you? Does it make things more difficult? Does it widen your options and your sense of what you can do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Crow Posted February 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 I can't belive I put the in that one line twice. Also you where right about drown into drowed, it sounds and flows better. The formating changes opened my eyes to new possibilities, just wait till my next poem, also thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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