The Almost Report Almost Reviews Episode 123

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on through short spurts of static, the airwaves twisting and distorting before finally focusing on the image of the same red carpeted area and circle of pillowed chairs that were displayed in episode 123 of the Report. The cameras shift their angles to catch sight of the same projector screen in the background and podium center-stage, though the crystal ball so prominent in the previous episode is nowhere to be seen. The cameras swing left to spot and trail after Wyvern, who wanders onto the set wearing a tattered and disheveled version of the cardigan sweater and French barret that he reviewed things in on the last Almost Review. The only new item in the almost dragon’s repertoire is a long pointy cane, which has a flag attached to the tip of it that reads “Happy (belated) Birthday Stick!” Wyvern hobbles over to his seat with minimal use of the cane and collapses into it with a huff of smoke, craning his neck back and puncturing the chair cushion and the barret simultaneously with his horns. A belated Almost Review kazoo medley warbles away in the background as Wyvern begins hissing.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to a new episssode of the Almossst Review – the only review program that bases its rating syssstem entirely on the weight of the geld offered in bribe.” Wyvern pulls out a measuring scale with a grin, only to frown as he realizes that he has no means of properly demonstrating it without an actual bribe. He tosses it aside with a grumble, his tail swinging and swatting it to the other side of the room. “Of courssse, we do make exceptionsss when it comes to programs that advertise Almost Dragonic Brand products, so here’s a ssstellar review of the Almost Report, episssode 123!”

 

Wyvern clears his throat just as the news medley noise finally dies down, adjusting his scales in his seat. He glances upward and grins as the projector screen suddenly flickers to life without the use of a crystal ball or reel of film, revealing an image of Wyvern seated in the exact same comfy seat staring over a crystal ball.

 

“We’re broadcasssting the images this week via psionics, in belated honor of Psimon’s birthday.” Wyvern points up at his own face in the psionic video and taps it with his big pointy cane, waving the Stick birthday flag in the process. “As you can see, a superior host was chosen for this program, and he also happens to be reporting on a celebrity of an equal caliber of class. Truly, thisss should be considered the highest grade of Pen programming… even without a bribe to weigh in on the quality.”

 

Wyvern grins and leans forward as he watches his previous review on-screen, pointing out the various random subtleties with his cane.

 

“Notice how he leans back in the chair so nonchalantly, as if he’s already decided how he’s going to review the episssode. And how he always setsss the mug of Bruteweiser-spiked caffeine at an angle that greatly accentuates his crimson critic look. It’s almost enough to make you want to switch positionsss with him, just to be able to experience his style.” Wyvern leans back in his chair, tilting it to the point of almost toppling over. He flails for his mug, only to remember that he didn’t bring it today before grumbling and shifting himself back upright. “*Ahem* Or wrestle with him or something. He’s hot, either way… *grumble*”

 

Wyvern raises a claw to his chin as a picture of a picture of the picture of the Portrait of Zool flashes across the screen, raising a brow as his brain tries to process that one but fails.

 

“Y’know, another thing you gotta admire about this program is its sheer consistency.” Wyvern waits until the final images of the Wyvern doll conversation have flickered across the screen, so that the thoughts projected there so longer pertain to the episode being reviewed. He twists his snout in a discontent manner and drags his tail stinger along the carpet. “Which is why it painsss me to announce that the Almost Report will no longer be a weekly program… Sssorry folksss! Insufficient funds have cut our advertising budget, resssulting in sssponsorship fall-outs and a complete reworking of our marketing overhead pre-budget semi-Almost Dragonic Brand balancing system. While it’s uncertain whether the show will be canceled altogether or re-scheduled, the non-aquatic soap favorite ‘Dawgrim’s Reek’ will continue to air for at least one ssseason in varying time slotsss, in order to avoid goblin rioting. To the longstanding Almost Report fans - all evil things must come to an end, but fear not…”

 

Wyvern’s saddened expression suddenly perks up as he pulls out an extremely cheap looking flip book with doodles sketched in it, extending it for the cameras to see.

 

“With these Almost Dragonic Brand Almost Report Re-Run Flipbooks™, you can relive all of your favorite Almost Report momentsss in marvelous 2D stick figure animation! Just call 1-900-EXPLOITIMA-“

 

*static*