The Almost Report Practices Dream Scheming

[Wyvern]

A sign that reads “Magic Testing in Progress, Please Stand By” flashes over the screen before the cameras fade in to a shot of Wyvern sitting on some sort of strange copper platform, which is shaped like a fluffy cloud or thought bubble with none of the associated comfort. The overgrown lizard brushes a few cookie crumbs from his spotted pajama pants and shirt, then adjusts the copper wreath of leaves held tightly in place around his horns and signals to a troglyodyte off-stage. A spark of blue magical current flickers through the air as Wyvern turns his eyes towards the cameras, a slightly sleepy grin spreading over his snout.

 

“Greetingsss, and welcome to the Almost Report.” Wyvern spreads his arms as the cameras pan out a bit, revealing troubled sleep’s quarters minus their regular décor. The pennite’s abode is completely covered in white protective pillows and padded furniture veils for the experiments in progress… mercifully so, given the almost dragonic reporter’s tendency to break things. “For thisss episode, we’ve chosen to test out a new magical artifact still in its experimental stages, to bring you the very first details of its functionality. That, and to document just how much geld a group of desperate magi will pay you to test their enchantments, *ahem!*”

 

As if on cue, the copper wreath circling Wyvern’s horns begins radiating a dim purple color, causing the lizard to pause and go still for a moment. The reptilian reporter shuts his eyes and slowly spreads his wings through the open back flaps of his night shirt, and as he does so mountains of shiny coins begins materializing around him. It’s quickly apparent that the stacks of geld are mere illusions as his tail passes through them effortlessly, but the sheer range of currencies is never the less impressive. Traditional geld, goblin booty, fairly platinum dust, and even Kender birthday coins suddenly litter the area in equal measures, their tall stacks causing Wyvern’s eyes to widen into a fully alert state.

 

“Wow…” Wyvern pokes at the illusionary currencies, looking slightly disappointed when his greedy claws pass right through the staggering wealth on display. He pauses to glance down at a lacy pink double D bra illusion that materializes at his feet, licking his lips at the directions that his thoughts might be taking the artifact. “Looksss like this Fantasiara Headpiece is workin’ jussst like those long beards sssaid it would… words associated in dreams, channeled into illusionsss. And alluring illusions, at that!”

 

Wyvern grins and begins wandering through the room, flapping his wings behind him a bit as more and more suggestive objects begins materializing in their illusionary state. The overgrown lizard passes by a long list of Pen gals labeled “Almost Dragonic Brand Budget Harem™” and passes through an increasingly large number of articles of women’s clothing on the floor as he approaches a tall door of troubled sleep’s quarters. In the illusionary image projected by the artifact, the door has the words “Open me for a good time” smeared across it in red lipstick.

 

“Almossst makes ya wonder what sorta images this Fantasiara thing would produce through the eyes of another, doesn’t it?” Wyvern grins at the cameras and lifts one claw to the door, anticipation over upcoming images written in his grin. “I sssuppose we’ll just have to settle for these for now.”

 

Wyvern winks at the cameras as he pushes the door open, and turns his head to view its contents only to suddenly let out a scream of horror and topple backwards with a leap. The cameras catch a very brief glimpse of what appears to be Melba in black leather before a series of red “Nightmare” alarms begins flashing across the ceiling, sending the enchanters responsible for the artifact racing into the room. The sound of a whip cracking down can be heard as the cameras topple over, ending the report just when things start to get really interesting.