The Almost Report Almost Reviews Episode 122

[Wyvern]

The news cameras slowly fade in to a circular red carpeted area of the Cabaret Room, complete with two pillow-laden chairs surrounding a crystal ball elevated on a copper counter. A reflecting lens is set up adjacent to the crystal ball’s glow, projecting its dull purple hue onto a wide screen set up on a wall behind the broadcasting area’s seats. Miniature spotlights begin passing over the ceiling courteousy of two crouching troglyodytes holding flashlights, and a peppy kazoo medley cues up in the background as Wyvern steps onto the scene wearing a cardigan sweater and a dark brown French barret. The overgrown lizard seats his himself in one of the seats as an applause track of three troglyodytes manually applauding cues up in the background. He sets his mug of Bruteweiser-spiked caffeine on a little table that extends from the side of his chair, then turns to the cameras with a grin.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome to Almost a Review – your one-ssstop program for almost dragonic reviews of all the hottessst Pen shows and events.” Wyvern leans an elbow back against the arm of his chair and raises a claw to his chin, staring off-screen with a nonchalant critic’s demeanor. “Sssince a review of Signe’s recordings was deemed inappropriate for public broadcasting, we’ve decided instead to review the finessst show available to the Mighty Pen. The Almost Report, of courssse!”

 

Wyvern snaps a claw over the crystal ball, which flashes speedily through a series of random images before reaching an image of Wyvern setting aside a large tome and lifting himself from a seat, revealing an exaggerated polar bear fur coat. The crystal ball begins playing through the episode without sound, its images broadcasted across the screen in the background.

 

“The Almost Report, episssode 122.” Wyvern stares into the crystal ball, and nods with a serious expression on his face. “As you can clearly sssee, the superior quality of this show becomes apparent right from the beginning, when that handsome hunk of a lizard Wyvern begins ssstrutting around in his elegant furs. Clearly, his very presence is reason enough to induct this program into the Sexy Reporter Hall of Fame, which makes this a must-watch for all the eager Pen gals out there.”

 

Wyvern reaches over to his mug of liquid indulgence and takes a sip, watching the crystal ball play through the moment in the episode where Wyvern observes the stuffed Werewolf in the study. He leans back in his seat and raises a claw, nodding in a studious manner.

 

“Here, we can see the brilliant set design that’s put into each episssode of the ssseries, proving once again that illegally breaking into the quarters of different pennites and stealing their styles pays off.” Wyvern grins as more of lumpenproletariat’s private lodgings from the episode are shown on the crystal ball. “This episssode is short on plot and heavy on propaganda, as any good almost dragonic show should be, and revolves around getting pennites to vote for a political party that will inevitably save the world… or at leassst last all-night long! The show delivers an affirmative message to hardcore party pennites everywhere, raisssing the bar and saving the leftover booze from it as well.”

 

Wyvern raises his mug with a wink and takes a long sip to emphasize his point about booze, then tosses it to the side as he watches the scene of Wyvern looking through the portraits of pennites lined up on one of lumpenproletariat’s walls.

 

“Of courssse, no great show would be complete without a random celebrity guessst appearance, and episode 122 proves to be no exception to that rule.” Wyvern pauses as the crystal ball broadcasts a picture of the picture of a picture of Zool, raising a brow at the thought of this picture being broadcast to pennites and scratching his barret over the matter. “Take thisss exceptional cameo by, errrr, well, sssome sorta slight variation of the Portrait of Zool. The famed Portrait happens to have recently celebrated his birthday, so we’d like to take this opportunity to wish him a happy belated and to broadcast him in the highest grade of technicolor! Here’s hoping you had a good one, Zool.”

 

Wyvern taps his claws over the armrests of his seat, his restless tail stinger pulling at the circular carpet beneath him. The reptilian reviewer shifts forward and turns his head to the other chair, maintaining his serious critic demeanor.

 

“So, what did you think of it?”

 

The cameras turn to the seat that Wyvern’s staring at, only to reveal a tattered Wyvern doll seated in it. The doll remains silent, inanimate object that it is.

 

“Well…” Wyvern turns back to the cameras with a wink. “I think that the episode was so good that it’s rendered him speechless. Jussst send in geld donations if you agree.”