The Almost Report Pyramid Schemes the Old Egyption Way

[Wyvern]

The news cameras flicker on to the soothing sounds of easy listening kazoos, focusing in one what appears to be a yellow slab of stone. The block is decidedly aged, with cracks running along its surface like veins and an odd hieroglyphic of a jagged almost dragon surrounded by piles of riches on its front. The cameras pan out a bit to reveal that this stone block rests in between two similar stone blocks, surrounded by two more similar stone blocks, each of which is between two stone blocks… The visuals continue panning out in what promises to be an elegant pyramid shot, but which ends up being nothing more than a bunch of blocks tossed into a messy pile over the once open space of GeldrinHor’s bard storage facility. The cameras pass over several more pictures scribbled on the stones, including a jagged etching of a geld thunder storm and a curving sketch of a succubi heatwave. They pause when they arrive at a tail stinger that looks a little too three-dimensional to belong on a block, and zoom in a tad before the stinger shifts away and its owner starts hogging the lens-time.

 

“Greetingsss, welcome to the Almost Report.” An extra-close shot of Wyvern’s nostrils zooms out to a fuller view of his head, complete with flat pharaoh helmet piece stuck at an awkward angle between his horns. The overgrown lizard strikes a claws up to the cameras and flashes a salesman grin as he continues. “In belated honor of Ozymandias’ birthday, we’re offering you the very latest in Egyptian geld investing. Jussst submit a donation of 300 geld or more, and you’ll have your very own ssstock in this yet-to-be-constructed pyramid golem. To reap the geld benefits when the golem is put together and ssstarts raiding, just call 1-900-SCA(M)RUB today!”

 

Wyvern hops off of the block he’s sitting on and begins wandering past the rest of the scattered stones, trailing a claw along their hieroglyphics while the mummy wraps of his shirt and breeches rip this way and that over his wing and tail movements. The overgrown lizard pauses as he reaches a slab with a picture of a radio bearing the insignia of the Wizardry Academy of Plane-Iota-Psi-Nine, with musical notes popping out of it.

 

“In Pen entertainment newssss, the runaway hit sssingle ‘Ding-Dong, Wiggly-Wong, Polling Song!’ has reached the top of the Pen music charts, moving above Mira’s hit single ‘#67’ and every single recording by the Racouolettesss ever. You can hear the song for yourssself by visiting the recent Conservatory polling booth, hosted by Tanuchan and Stephen.”

 

Wyvern nods and whistles to the tune of the song as he passes by several more pyramid golem pieces, coming to a halt when he reaches a block that’s abandoned the subtlety of hieroglyphics for a blatant advertisement. Scrawled across the face of the block are the words “Dawgrim’s Reek – late afternoony snack to darky sky, GST (Goblin Stupidity Time).”

 

“In entertainment newssss: ‘Dawgrim’sss Reek’, the soap opera smash hit amongst goblin teens and perverts alike, is rumored to be hitting viewers with some unexpected plot developments in next week’s ep. Be ssssure to tune in so the show can gross more geld… errr, keep things entertaining.” Wyvern taps at the block with one of his claws, chipping away at one of its corners. “Alssso, don’t forget to check out Patrick’s Tale of Tug for some alternative programming.”

 

With that, Wyvern waves a claw to the cameras and darts over to the other side of GeldrinHor’s storage space, suddenly noticing the golem hand that’s attempting to crawl off on its own. The regular sound cuts out as the call number is repeated in as bland a troglyodyte voice-over as the Report can muster:

 

“1-900-SCA(M)RUB.”