The Almost Report Feeds Gaming Machines Fake Geld

[Wyvern]

An annoying sound of pots and pans clashing rings across the soundboard as the cameras tune in to what appears to be a cardboard box leftover from last week’s Dawgrim’s Reek, set up to look like a mounted arcade game machine. Built complete with its own string of frying pans for sound effects and a troglyodyte with a set of puppets inside it for a graphics engine, the box certainly earns its Almost Dragonic Brand Enterlamement System™ seal of approval. The cameras pan back to reveal several of these cardboard boxes arranged in rows throughout Equester’s gamer-friendly carpeted living room, with a different set of sound effect frying pans dangling from each one. The cameras slowly lumber forward in an awkward and jerky motion that suggests that most of the troglyodytes in charge of camera work are manning the cardboard consoles. They pause when they reach a red box that looks slightly more legitimate then the rest, catching sight of a shiny booze-stain phoenix splattered on the side before a familiar scaly claw replaces it.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome to the Almossst Report – your one-ssstop source for this Summer’sss most expensive Almost Dragonic Brand Cardboard Golem Video Games™!”

 

Wyvern skids in front of the red arcade box with a little twirl and tailspin, his blazing neon purple jacket reflecting enough light to be a challenging puzzle game in and of itself. The overgrown lizard tilts his backwards baseball cap further back over one of his horns and points one of his Almost Dragonic Brand Coin Swindling Power Gauntlets™ at the cameras in an enthusiastic salesman pose.

 

“The hottessst carboard games your hard-earned geld can buy? Look no further.” Wyvern sticks out his forked tongue as a troglyodyte with a blowtorch peeks out from his position in the red box, firing the torch up for a moment to provide some proof to Wyvern’s statement. The reptilian reporter cocks a claw back and sneers. “Thisss little number, built in honor of Phoenix’s birthday and entitled ‘Flaming-Co.,’ is only 15 geld per game. Perfect for thossse with pesssky weenie awards that just won’t go away (hint hint).”

 

The troglyodyte in charge of the blow torch fires it up again to demonstrate what sort of weenie damage it can really do, only to go wide eyed as the cardboard box begins to catch on fire. Wyvern grins and waves his gloved claw in a “nothing to see here” sort of way, clearing his throat loudly as he wanders off and leads the cameras to another cardboard gaming cubicle.

 

“Or how about thisss relic of the past?” Wyvern taps a cardboard machine with the words “Text Based” written on the side with his wings, watching it wobble as the troglyodyte with Pen and paper manning the booth loses his notes. “Katzaniel’s Text-Basssed Game has been revived after a long absssence, and still playsss as well as it did 2 yearsss ago! Jussst don’t forget that the yellow bouncy ball is a sssymbol of the currency owed to Almost Dragonic Inc. for playing the game *ahem*”

 

Wyvern’s neon jacket blinds the screens again for a moment as he turns to inspect some of the other cardboard consoles being offered, passing by the “I <3 Wyvern Fanclub” Game (which amounts to an empty box for Wyvern to seat himself in and a number of tickly feathers surrounding it as "play controllers") before arriving at an odd pink box labeled “Pom Pom Palace.” He scratches his scaly head over the box, having not seen it during this week’s set-up, and tilts his snout in to get a closer look at the two giant pompoms that seem to fill in the box’s central space…